[b]UNTITLED #1
Whispering wind’oer the moon.
Then she blows silent moon.
There she sails through the sky;
Then she knew I would lie;
Waiting till the whisperer awoke,
Till the words in my mouth would choke (us).
These words that you spoke;
These words that I spoke.
White mist, elventale,
Spread the word around.
That ice and snow and cold hail,
Would strike me down to the ground
And that I sailed down the river
And she sailed down the river,
On the boat of envy
Whispering lea of forlorn reveries,
There they dine in fine revelries,
Wine to wine, glass to lips;
Crimson wine kissing crimson lips
Touched by her fingertips,
Trembling like the swaying trees,
Caught in winter’s breeze.
White mist shadowing the glade,
Concealing it with winter’s sleep.
There, she tries to deceive (but whom)
He who has known her essence.
Then caught in a glass jar is the vapour
Of the lady with the heart of winter
Dripping with frozen hunger,
That may feed on unsuspecting strangers.
Glorious days of the sun,
They come to their end; oh, her wrathful son,
The child she bore with the chill of winter
Brought alive to this mellowing world.
And his footsteps leave a trail cold.
That yonder years of the same, too are old.
And this child with a flowing white beard,
His eyes are like cold daggers of fear.
White mist, towering the mounts,
Crisscrossing the vengeful narrow mountain passes.
And now she bears another offspring;
He’s the end of days, the end of spring,
Of springs yet to come.
And winter’s chill is not his father
But the hot warmth of the sky-the stinging sun.
And it’s the coming of the aeon’s twilight.
It’s the coming of the harbinger of doom.
He is the harbinger of doom.
[/b] 
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I really liked this! I'm not going to say anything technical because I dont really understand too much about the technical side of poetry. But I really honestly did like this, I thin kthe parts in brackets worked well aswell (I usually don't like poems that add things on in brackets) but this was done very effectivley. The frist stanza was my favourite, it bought me into the poem immediatly, and very few poems do that to me.
So well done, I hope to see some more of your stuff around
Meevs
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Hey, Vizier!
You know your way around words--I have to say that your word choice was brilliant, and you're obviously well-read. That's something never to lose sight of as you continue playing around with poetry. ^_~ Overall, it was very professional, and a bit old-timey (in the good way).
DEVELOPING YOUR OWN IDENTITY
Though this poem was very good, I've seen it before. It's very Lord of the Rings--elves, queens, sort-of-medieval-but-not-quite. It's not a bad thing, per se, but it's not going to make you stand out in the crowd. When trying to emulate influences, it's important to evaluate exactly why you are doing certain things. Does a certain wording remind you of Tolkein? Are you using imagery from an old folktale?
When you are able to establish where you found certain elements, you know that you're on the right track. No writer is ever completely original, but being able to say, "Yes, I'm influenced by Dickens" is important when separating your work from [insert author here]. What elements do you like? And why?
This is an excerpt from Misty, one of my favorite unpublished authors:
Here, you probably couldn't tell exactly who she's trying to emulate. She's being herself here, but elements of it reflect Lewis Carrol in Alice in Wonderland--the worldplay, making the everyday world appear extraordinary. You wouldn't know that she was so heavily influenced by it unless I told you, because she's worked hard to only take bits and pieces of what she likes. That's my challenge to you, sir. Take pieces; don't copy wholly.
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A quick note:
- Write poems like you do sentences. It's really frustrating for a Reader to read something That goes like this, just as it does when you
Begin each new line
Of a poem
With a capital letter.
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Thanks for the read! Let me know if you have any questions. ^_^