Untitled

Wow. This poem was great!

Walking away from this dream.
It's too painful to remember,
All that meant to be together. I love this stanza. It represents the feelings after an unnerving dream very well.

Do you hear me scream?
The friend tangled in the lover, Maybe try to make this line a bit clearer? It was sort of confusing.
The fog takes over.

Truth's concealed in the depths,
Confusion's ribbons tightening all over.
My heart's supposed to have the answer.

You were the one who promised so much,
You were the one I was so stupid to trust.

Oh so innocent, we'll always be, I like how you made this 'Oh so innocent, we'll always be' instead of 'we'll always be so innocent.' Nice switch.
The answer, it seems, is to flee I love these two lines. Very neat conclusion.

Hi. I liked this. It's really goot. But I do have a few comments. One: what do you mean to convey with the title? I don't really think it connects to this particular work and I'd like for you to explain your reasoning. There were a few particular parts that I think felt forced.

I’m walking from this dream.
It’s too painful to remember, These two last lines don't really seem to go together, well, to me anyway.
All that meant to be together. But I like the picture that I get. But since your going for a rhyming thing then you might want to change your mind on the wording.

Can you hear me scream? This stanza is one of my favorites, I don't think you need to change anything.
The friend tangling in the lover,
The fog takes over.

Truth’s concealed in the depth, This part seemed to be a bit forced or maybe a bit unneeded.
Confusion all over. I guess your trying to convey something in this so maybe different wording.
The heart’s supposed to have the answer.

You were the one who promised so much, This was good; leave it the way it is.
You were the one I was stupid to trust.

Oh so innocent, we’ll always be, I don't know what think about this so I'll let you come to your own conclusions.The answer, it seems, is to flea.

i absolutely love this peom it reprsents raw emotion
it brought a tear to my eye love how you made it soo real made me feel like
you was talking from personal experiance which made it all the better
i cant wait to read more of your work
this peom even though short was awesome i love your writing...
dont stop keep going dont let anything hold you up or bring you down cant wait for more posts
pm me whenever

TheTruthLiesWithin wrote:I’m walking from this dream. "Walking from" sounds unfinished. I'd say "walking away from.
It’s too painful to remember, Don't think you need this comma. It complicates things. Aim for simplicity.
All that meant to be together. Are "together" and "remember" supposed to rhyme? Because they don't.

Can you hear me scream? This sounds too indirect, too detached. Try this: "Do you hear me screaming?"
The friend tangling in the lover, Change "tangling" to "tangled."
The fog takes over. Nice.

Truth’s concealed in the depth, Pluralize "depth." Sounds better that way.
Confusion all over. Meh. Compared to the lines around it, this one sounds weak and cliched.
The heart’s supposed to have the answer.

You were the one who promised so much,
You were the one I was stupid to trust. Try putting a "so" before the "stupid."

Oh so innocent, we’ll always be, Replace "oh so" with "now." Just a little suggestion.
The answer, it seems, is to flea. I am 99.354 percent sure that you mean "flee."

This poem was amazing
It has a very poetic feel and rhythm to it!
Im not good at poems so...
no useful comments, sorry :l
But as a practicing writer it was very good
I really like this verse

Truth’s concealed in the depth,
Confusion all over.
The heart’s supposed to have the answer

Hello!

I really enjoyed this poem. The flow was wonderful, and I could read it easily without going off a rhythm.

As for the title, it's pretty good, except I think you should get rid of the apostrophe and also, "up" has really nothing to do with it. Perhaps it should be "Looking Out" or "Looking Around" or something like that that relates more to the poem.

Otherwise, the only other thing I noticed was this:

The answer, it seems, is to flea.