So I rewrote it....hopefully this is better :)
Prologue
A tear slid down Cain’s face as he glanced at the piles of grime and ash that surrounded him. This…this was all that was left of his brother’s house and family, for Cain had seen a few burnt corpses among the ash piles that must have belonged to Barak’s little family.
Cain slid from the saddle of his faithful horse and walked toward some remaining boards, which had been spared most of the damage. Kneeling upon the ground he touched them, a sharp tingling sensation crept slowly up his arm stopping at his elbow. Pulling away he sighed, his suspicions confirmed…his brother’s farm had been destroyed by magic. And this magician was very professional, making sure he only set flame to the farm and not the forest behind it. Why? He asked himself. Why hadn’t Barakjust listened to him twenty years ago when he had said to come live near Rivercross, where the magical wards around the town would have kept him safe from all this? If only he hadn’t been so stubborn! That was his brother, strong as an ox yet stubborn as a mule.
Anger and sadness built up inside of him; if only he had come sooner he could have stopped all of this, and maybe even caught the bastard who had done it! Angrily he kicked the ground as hard as he could sending pain shooting up his toe. He began to curse.
Too busy losing himself deeper into grief he never heard the quiet sound of a child weeping. It was his horse who eventually brought him back to the present with a light nip on the shoulder, not big enough to do damage but big enough he was sure to be sore for a few days afterward.
“Ow!” he yelled in surprise. Despite how he never yelled at his companion he was now too angry to stop himself “Terk! You rotten little-“ he stopped. Was that the sound of a child crying? Was that what Terk was trying to tell him?
Swirling around faster than a horse could neigh Cain scouted the edge of the forest, looking for the person the sound was coming from. Finally he spotted the small child, almost completely hidden from view by the trees near a rosebush that had lost all its beauty because of the winter’s cold snow.
“Could that be one of Barak’s children?” Cain asked his horse although he knew he wouldn’t get an answer. Terk neighed happily at the sound of his master’s voice.
Cain dashed for the child with a new hope in his heart.As he came within a few yards of her, he forced himself to slow to a fast walk.The child lifted her head and Cain immediately knew she was Barak’s child. Even though he had never seen her before, for she looked only about six or seven, her dark brown curls falling carelessly across her face was much like her father’s. And her small innocent emerald green eyes resembled her mother’s.She wore a faded gray nightgown that was ripped and covered with ashes and she carried a small (just as faded and ash covered) brown teddy bear in her fragile little hands.
“Who are you? Have you come to help me?” the girl asked in a dry whisper.
Cain smiled at her, a reassuring smile “Yes child I am here to help. I am your Uncle Cain and you will be safe with me” he hoped.
Her eyes brightened, “Uncle Cain?” she said with obvious delight “Papa has told us many stories about you! Is it true you killed a mean giant who was scaring a village, with your bare hands?” she asked eagerly.
Where did Barak get these stories? I have never done anything of the sort, far from it! He asked himself.He could not help but smile a bit; at least Barak had made him a hero in his children’s eyes…even though none of it was the least bit true.
“What’s your name, child?” Cain asked softly.
The girl sniffled and wiped the tears from her eyes “Myka,” she replied.
Cain smiled at her, “Myka” he said trying the unusual name out, Barak always loved unusual names. “Such a pretty name. How old are you, my dear?” he asked, trying to keep her talking so she would feel more comfortable around him.
She coughed slightly and Cain realized she must be freezing, it was a cold winter day with the nippy wind and she was half naked. Taking off his cloak, he wrapped it around her shoulders. The wind nipped at him but he ignored it for the sake of the small child’s warmth.
“I am six” Myka replied holding up six fingers to show him.
He smiled and chuckled softly, “Already a big girl” he said. She smiled at him, a bright cheerful smile then grabbed his hands with her chubby little fingers. Cain felt the small tingling sensation of magic again and pulled back. Myka looked startled at his sudden movement.
Cain realized Myka didn’t know why he had done that and he wrapped his arms back around her to keep her warm. The poor girl probably did not have a clue all this was happening because of her, because she was born. Cain didn’t want to reveal anything until Myka was old enough to fully understand.
“Would you like to come live with me now?” he asked her.
Myka nodded, “Can Mama and Papa come to? What about Mary and Johnny? They are just putting out the fire” she said pointing with one chubby finger in the direction of the farm.
Cain nodded, fighting back the tears that were forming in his eyes. “Yes child,” he choked out the words while avoiding her eyes “They will meet us at my home in a few weeks” he said. He hated lying to her but he didn’t know what else to tell her.
Myka looked confuse but asked, “How many sleeps is a few weeks?”
Cain turned his face from her and wiped the tears from his eyes. Such an innocent little child, he thought. Not trusting his voice, Cain just smiled.
Myka giggled as she reached for his nose and squeezed it, “Beep!” she exclaimed while giggling.
Cain pulled away quickly startled. Barak and himself had played that game with their own father but the gesture had still alarmed him since he hadn’t done that in years. Picking her up in both hands he whistled for Terk. Myka laid her head on his shoulder, but when Terk came into view she jumped up and threw her hands in the air with glee.
“Horsey!” she giggled reaching for him. Terk stood completely still as she patted him on the nose and Cain was very proud of him for he knew how much he hated getting his nose stroked. Lifting her onto Terk’s back he reminded him to be gentle with the child. Swinging himself into the saddle behind Myka he nudged Terk forward into an easy trot.
Cain took the long way around to the road for he didn’t want to ride past the farm for Myka’s sake. After a few minutes of riding, Myka suddenly screamed.
“What is it? What’s wrong?!” Cain asked her. He didn’t know much about children, especially girls, but he hoped they didn’t scream like she just did all the time.
“You forgot Mia!” she exclaimed tugging at his shirt.
“Who?” Cain asked. Was there another child he hadn’t seen?
Myka looked up at Cain with a bewildered look on his face “Mia is my bear!” she said “We have to go back for her, she might get scared all alone!”
Cain sighed, she always screamed and whined like this he was going to die before she grew up.
Turning Terk around, he started back for the bear. Myka, satisfied he wasn’t going to leave it, laid her head his chest and closed her eyes. Cain looked down at the small girl and smiled, maybe he could deal with the screaming and whinnying for she really was a precious gift.
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hi, steampowered here for a review!
I really enjoyed reading this; it raised a lot of questions, but it made it all the more intriguing. I liked the way you hinted at the magic but didn’t go into much detail; it’s clear that Myka was the inadvertent cause of this destruction, but I’m interested to find out why. Hopefully I’ll find out in later chapters.
So Cain’s brother has been killed, and he’s angry and sad? Maybe you could use more powerful words to really convey Cain’s emotions. “Sad” doesn’t seem like a very strong word to me – perhaps a word like “grief” “sorrow” or “anguish” would be better? You also have some word repetition here – anger builds up inside him, then he angrily kicks the ground. Maybe you could change one of these words?
“Looking for the person the sound was coming from” sounds a bit… jerky. Perhaps you could rephrase it so it reads more smoothly, for example “looking for the source of the sound”? Also, I really like that bit about the rosebush; it makes me think of Cain’s own desolation, and the way all the beauty seems to have faded from his world.
“Dashed for” the child? Why not “dashed towards” or “made a dash for”?
I think we can tell that Myka is delighted, from the way her eyes have brightened and her eager voice. Maybe the “obvious delight” is a little unnecessary?
This doesn’t quite make sense as it is. Maybe there should be an “if” before “she always screamed”?
Laid her head “on” his chest? Also, do you need to repeat the bit about the screaming and whinnying? (Whinnying? Isn’t that what Terk would do?)
Apart from that I couldn’t find anything wrong with it, and I really enjoyed reading this. I will definitely read and review the next chapter for you!
Thank you so much for the review it helps a lot!
Hi, there! Lefty here to review!
I saw chapter 2 in the green room so I thought I would start at the beginning so that I knew what was going on. Anyway, onto the review!
I think this was a decent prologue. We met the two main characters and there was a little bit of backstory on them while at the same time having something important happen and posing some questions which haven't been answered, thus, drawing the reader in because they want to know the answer! So nice job on that. Now, onto some nitpicks:
Repetition: I noticed a few different times where the same word is used close together, making it sound repetitive. For example:
and
I know it can be difficult to come up with alternative words, but if you can, it might make it sound a little smoother. Repetitions can also be hard to catch, so the best way to catch them is to read your story out loud or in your head.
Should be her face, yeah?
Should there be an "if" in there? "Cain sighed, if she always..."
Ok, so those were the main nitpicks. Not too bad!
I thought that Myka was really cute and full of excitement which makes her fun to read about. She seemed very sweet and I love her name too! Cain also seemed like a very good, sweet person. Taking in his niece without even a second thought. That's a pretty awesome guy right there.
I thought the part where she asked if he killed a giant was really cute, but at the same time it seemed a little out of place. It seems like she would be too frightened to eagerly ask him a question, but perhaps it's because she didn't know her family had died? Was she not that upset because she just thought she was waiting for them?
I thought this line was really nicely written. Nice job!
So, nice start to an interesting story. I will be sure to take a look at chapter 1 next! Keep up the good work and have a nice day!
-Lefty
Okay, I read through this again and I couldn't hardly find any big, BIG grammatical mistake that you would need to fix. You fixed basically everything that I had mentioned, and I couldn't really see anything with the storyline that I could help you out with. No need to review again for now. ^^ Keep going with this, and PM me when you get the next chapter out.
Good work.
I combined the stuff I learned on here and the huge review my older sister did and that's what came out
My older sister is 30 and she reads and writes a lot too
Thanks!!
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
I remembered you, so I figured I'd take a look.
The first thing that I just completely adore about this is how the little girl acts. Honestly, I know this is Fantasy and all, but have you ever watched Despicable Me? Agnes, the littlest one, popped in my head first thing and I nearly died laughing, because the girl in your story fit so perfectly! It was great. Especially, how he reacted to her screaming like that. Wondering if all children act like that. Pssh, not a chance. xD Anyway, it is really cute how you portrayed this little girl. Keep it up.
One small other thing that I really liked was how you showed us in that one small example, that the farm had been destroyed by magic. Instead of just saying that he could sense that it was destroyed by magic, you gave us an example and something to hook ourselves onto. That example would of course be when he touches the piece of wood and he gets a tingling in his arm. It was great, so keep that up. Always try to give the reader something to hook onto when trying to get a piece of information across.
The one thing that I would caution you about, is making this into a prologue. It's of course your decision, but I would highly suggest researching the use of prologues. Prologues are usually to introduce the story, and they usually do that with something that happened way before the initial story begins. If what happens right here, happens a while before then go ahead, but if not... Then I'd go and research it. It's okay to do it differently sometimes, but remember that prologues aren't always the best to keep the reader fully interested. This is mainly my personal opinion, that last line, so this is really up to you. But still research it. Just to be safe.
What is really lacking in this piece, though, is grammar. It's okay sometimes, to have a typo here and there, as those are easily fixed, but there's too many to overlook right now. What you first need to look at is your dialogue. Let me give you an example of two.
You can see here, that you put the actual dialogue of the Myka's down below, broken away from its dialogue tag. Let me show you how it should be done. This goes for the rest of the work, and its dialogue.
See? The dialogue follows directly after the dialogue tag (dialogue tag meaning, "said, replied, gasped ect..." ) Also, I put a comma after voice as you want something to tie the dialogue and the dialogue tag together. If there are two different speakers then make sure to put each speaker in their own paragraph. Make sense? Let me know if it doesn't.
Another small example that I thought I would use. You would place the dialogue directly next to that asked. So it would be: Myka looked confused but asked, "How many sleeps is a few weeks?" Hope this is all making sense.
Next, I would like to talk about paragraphing. Throughout the piece, you did a pretty good job on it, except for the first paragraph. That was just waaay too long, and there are too many ideas in it. One paragraph=one idea. That's all you're supposed to grammatically have in a paragraph. Only one idea is permitted to be inside of one. And usually that one idea takes about three to five sentences to present. Initially, it doesn't matter how long the paragraphs are as long as they are their one idea, but keep in mind that readers have short attention spans and they don't like those long paragraphs. They'll usually scan through it and get a bit of the gist of it, but not all of it. Just an overall, really, and they'll miss the important, juicy details. So try to keep those paragraphs the right lengths, okay? One paragraph=one idea. One idea is usually presented in about three to five sentences, but it's okay if it's longer or even shorter than that. Okay?
Technical's ^^
Comma after name.
Look at the thought process as if it was dialogue. "He" shouldn't be capitalized as it can be seen typically as a form of a tag.
Hmm, seems like too diverse of ideas to be in the same paragraph together. How about splitting these two up and then building up on them from there?
Alright, with the thought process you don't need to use quotation marks. Get rid of the quotation marks and the way to differentiate between it and everything else, is to put it into italics. That way we can see that it is truly thought, and not dialogue. Here, if we skipped over that dialogue tag, we would think that it is a regular piece of dialogue and that he was speaking aloud.
Overall, for the grammar... It really just needs a run through from somebody who is used to picking out grammatical mistakes. If you can do it, then great, but if you're not finding them all, then find somebody who can. Grammar is probably one of the number one most important aspects of writing out there. You don't want somebody to be correcting you on your spacing between sentences, or dialogue punctuation, ect..., when they could be helping you on description and character development. Get what I mean?
One more thing before I go. Your character, I got a good grip on. Normally that doesn't happen in a prologue for me, but here it does! And that's great. Really, it is. I can tell that he is a kind man, who isn't exactly comfortable around children
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Thank you so much Cricket! I was so surprised when I came on today and found I had a bunch more reviews!! I am so happy people are willing to take the time to review such crappy writing like mine lol
I must admit I am not the greatest in grammar so I am EXTRA happy when people correct them because that way I am also learning as well as having fun! Hehehe.
I got everything you said and am going to try work on fixing it today
P.S. I have watched Despicable Me but Myka wasn't based on her she was based on all three of my little nieces put together hehehe Little girls are all quite alike
P.P.S. I will defiantly inform you when my next chapter is up!!
THANKS AGAIN!!
Hey there! I'm finally doing my first Review Day! Yay! Let me just say: this is based off of Ranger's Apprentice a little right? I love that series so much...
Okay, on to the story itself, pretty good start so far. I like Cain a lot, and you made him seem human in his reactions to the deaths of his family. Very sad, but you made me interested in finding out the who and the why on the killings. Myka is totally adorable and I love her! So cute and sweet! I like the interactions a lot, and find it suits the characters a lot.
Mistakes wise, there are, unfortunately, quite a few. I recommend that you check the story over, and take care of the many typos and fragments. Please remember that after someone speaks, you have to make a new line. The huge paragraph at the beginning was pretty daunting, and I agree with fallenoutofgrace to split it up into multiple pieces. That helps the reader so very much!
Overall, very good beginning! I look forward to the next addition to the story! Thanks for writing this, and have a great day!
Love,
PerksOfBeingAReader a.k.a. Katie
Thank you so much Katie!! I love getting reviews on my story it is very helpful! I will most defintily try and fix the mistakes I made
I also like Aragorn in Lord Of The Rings and he is a Ranger so I think I'm just addicted to them hehehe
I do LOVE the Ranger's Apprentice series. I have read them all quite a few times and I must admit that is where I fell in love with Rangers
THANKS FOR THE REVIEW!!!
You're very welcome! Alrighty then. Ranger's Apprentice = awesomeness. Yes I love Aragon so much too! Lord of the Rings is so amazing!
Agreed
Lord Of The Rings is the absolute best movie and book ever made. Tolkien is a BIG inspiration to me 
Ranger's Apprentice ROCKS! My favorite characters are Halt and Alyss <3 Who is yours?
I also love the girl in the 12th book. (Just in case you haven't read it I wont say who she is)
Yas!! Tolkien is super awesome. I love, love, love, Halt, Will, pretty much everyone! Thanks I'm barely on book ten! Haha!
Book 12 is really good! I got my mom and dad and sisters and brothers hooked on them too
Mmkay. Haha that's funny
Hello there Fallen from the grinning grinches here to review your amazing piece here. Now before I continue I only have one con so I rather get that out of the way. A suggestion split your larger paragraphs into smaller pieces, because a reader looks and your brain automatically begins scanning the large chunks of text, verses the smaller chunks you have which your brain focuses more intently. That's the only con and suggestion. Now to the pros.
Rant first:
HOLY COW THIS ROCKS!!!!
Now onto the review
What I like is that you were realistic, your characters are not mary sues from what I see so far which is good. I liked how the story caught the readers attention and wouldn't let go.
Your dialogue between the little girl myka and cain was cute like the uncle to neice way. You left the reader eager to know what cain will do which is brilliant.
your last paragraph is cute it shows the push over that cutness gets you, I just hope that mia I worth it.
Overall, cant wait to read more of this story keep writing
~Fallen
Thanks so much Fallen! Seeing someone take the time to read my piece is very encouraging, thanks so much!!
Con- Thanks for the tip I will defiantly try to write more like that! Looking back at it I see what you mean
Rant- Hahahaha thanks that made my day
I have about 5 chapters into it which is 37 pages on the computer, not much I know but a working progress as are all stories
Thanks so much Fallen! Seeing someone take the time to read my piece is very encouraging, thanks so much!!
Con- Thanks for the tip I will defiantly try to write more like that! Looking back at it I see what you mean
Rant- Hahahaha thanks that made my day
I have about 5 chapters into it which is 37 pages on the computer, not much I know but a working progress as are all stories
Awesome can't wait!
Thanks!!