Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I only text you when I’m drunk.
You’re like a fire pit I refuse to escape,
The image I wish I could shape,
You remind me of it every time.
I only text you when I’m lonely.
It’s the emptiness that I adore,
The ring that I once wore,
Is in your dresser.
I only text you when I’m high.
I want this record on repeat,
My senses, they all peak,
When I’m around you.
I only text you when I’m hurting.
Rebreak every wall please,
Any woman you could appease,
Yet I’m in your suite.
I don’t text you when I’m excited,
He takes the cake this time,
Loving you was a crime,
He grants me heaven.
I don’t text you when I’m desperate.
He comes to help me heal,
As I go down on my heel,
To praise his mighty grace.
I don’t text you when I’m proud,
He gets all of that pleasure,
Because unlike you,
He treats me so much better.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Hello! Wonderful poem, I enjoyed reading every word.
I do have a few suggestions, and they are all based on my opinion and of course you can leave it just how it already beautifully is.
First off, I would break up these lines into stanzas, each stanza beginning with the repeated line, "I only/don't text you when..." It would make it all the more easier to read and create a more rhythmic flow.
Secondly, there are a few lines that seem abrupt and disrupt the flow that I think could be reworded. For example:
This line felt very awkward to read no matter how I sounded it in my head. I would perhaps reword it to something like:
Another abrupt line is:
You may have meant these short lines to be for emphasis, and if so, ignore me, lol.
Besides these suggestions, I loved the poem!! My favorite line was:
Such a beautifully written, proud line that truly shows that you have healed from this prior broken relationship.
Wonderful job!
Mordax
a great poem depicting an abandoned and broken relationship. I DID enjoy reading this.. but I think it think it could possibly benefit from some re-formatting? Such as a space between every second line. Or perhaps two big chunks, dividing the part where you start talking about the person who treats you better? But it is fine the way it is! My sister knows a boy like this, I think. The kind you only text when you're drunk... lol
Wow! Good work. I like the use of rhyme throughout this poem, when I was reading this it felt like I was reading lyrics to a rap song so I was silently rapping the lyrics in my head lol. One small thing, really small really but here:
I think heaven should be capitalized as Heaven? I'm not sure lol. Anyways well written, it was quite the read.
That's all folks!