Young Writers Society

Wow, I loved this poem!!

I have very little suggestions, but here are the ones I do have:

Your consistent use of the uncapitalized "i" must've been purposeful, but I cannot seem to grasp at that purpose so instead, I just felt thrown off the entire poem, wishing you had capitalized it.

This poem was also very inconsistent with flow, stanza length, and so forth. Of course, that is fine, but it did leave me wishing to fall into the mesmerizing flow that poem insists, yet I simply couldn't. With this beautiful meaning of a mother's love, I would suggest applying more repetitive flow just so we can experience that beauty and love while we read instead of understanding the theme you meant to deliver.

Besides this, I loved your word choice and I could imagine the scenes you created, such as the wrinkled sheets and the sea and sand.

Wonderful poem!

Mordax

Hey there!

First time reading through, I couldn't really tell what it was about besides of course having a lot to do with mothers and their children. Then I read it again, and I can see parts like "we will meet again, my dear" and understand that yes, it's not a very happy poem. I think making it more clear would stop any confusion, or maybe reworking some lines to hint at something more.

these sheets feel like clouds,

i caress the wrinkles,

as i hum a ballad,

until your great mind,

travels to oblivion

as i lay here, my child,

you represent love,

and kindness,

as that sweet face grins,

i can see myself.

Probably the purest form of love is a mothers love for her innocent baby, because a mother will love her baby just as innocently no matter what they say or do, and this poem captured that pure and innocent love in it's purest form, painting a that moving scene in a mother and infants live where nothing exists but the two of them, and the child, feeling perfectly safe and secure, drifts off to sleep shortly before his mother, both perfectly at peace. This poem drew an involuntary "aww" from me and forced an unbidden smile to form on my lips, as clear as the sudden realization that I haven't actually talked to my mother in a while now...My one complaint would be, iy is a little unclear as to what is happening in the first stanza: it sounds as though someone (the baby?) is dying, and also seems to be coming from the baby's perspective, unlike the rest of the poem? which means that, to me, it seemed tonally and stylistically inconsistent, as well as confusing. Could you re-write it? It would make it SO much better-and I like it enough to have read it twice already!

This is so...serene and soft. I love when people write of any sort of parental relationship, and you hit the nail on the head with this one.
Like I said, the vibe i get from this is very motherly, serene and soft. It's as if the mother is directly speaking to her baby/young child, and though it's too young to understand, the mother is letting them know they will always be there for them even if they aren't physically there.
You used such fluid languid words to write what I can only describe as a rhapsody. If you told me this was written by a seasoned published poet - I would totally believe it.

This was my favorite stanza:

"..these sheets feel like clouds,

i caress the wrinkles,

as i hum a ballad,

until your great mind,

travels to oblivion."

It was just so pretty.
To sum it all up: I loved it. I love your work.

<3

-IzzyWidgeon.