I know it was long ago and you probably don’t care,
but I miss you so much and your crazy long hair.
All your hidden talents that you kept from me,
I wish you’d let me discover so I could truly see.
Your poetry was beautiful, your embrace just as strong,
and I know I could have loved you, I’d known it all along.
But now it’s too late, you’ve seemed to have locked me out,
and I know I’ll never forget you, but your love I’ll have to live without.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
this was really good. I like the simple title too. The first stanza was my favorite part, it showed your sincere feeling for this guy and a characteristic about him.
the last stanza was the only part that needed help.
Take either or of these into consideration:
OR
this poem was sweet. and I think you should let the guy read this
O.K., so right now I feel like this poem is more sentences than lines. There is lots of un-needed words, if you take them out it will help the rhythm, though of course it is your opinion. Words in #0000FF ">blue, I would take out.
One thing I have noticed is that you say 'and' and 'but' a lot. It makes the poem seem choppy, bla (because of repeated vocabulary/sentence structure) and un-revised. I want to here more description in this, you have a good start of it, but I want to feel what she is feeling and right now I don't. Some good imagery would help this poem a ton. I think you could add a ton to this. Make it longer. I guess that is all I have to say. This is really good poem, but like everything can be improved.
Hope I helped,
A. S.
Aw, this is a sad but cute poem. For the most part you have a nice rhyme and rhythm pattern going; only in the last coupling do I detect a bit of irregularity in meter.
"But now it’s too late and you’ve seemed to have locked me out,
and I know I’ll never forget you, but your love I’ll have to live without."
Each line has a few extra syllables. Something like this might flow better:
"But now it's too late and it seems you've locked me out,
and I know I'll never forget you, but your love I must live without."
Good job on the whole, hun! Keep writing!