Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Emily was in Zita’s room again when she woke up. The vamp paced the walls in a sweeping ball gown that was most definitely not from this century and munched on a bag of spherical candy as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Zita just stared at the sight. Emily’s elbow-length black silk gloves were getting covered fingers to hem in the sugary powder from the sweets, and Emily’s face wasn’t faring much better.
“Oh!” Emily jumped and tumbled unceremoniously to the floor, “You’re up. Cool. Yeah. um...I had a reason for being here…” She popped another candy in her mouth and chewed it thoughtfully. Zita’s continued to sit in bed, her eyebrows nearly to her hairline and her blanket pulled around her shoulders as she took in this bazar sight. It was way too early for this.
“RIGHT!” Emily suddenly launched herself to the ceiling and landed on her back. She giggled and flipped over so she could sit cross-legged with her face hovering in front of Zita’s, “I’m joining you in training!” She said cheerily.
Zita rubbed her eyes with one arm, holding the blanket in place with the other, “Wonderful.” She rolled off the bed and wandered into the bathroom, the blanket trailing behind her like an ugly wedding train.
“Soooooooooooo….” Emily skipped along behind her, stopping to yell outside the closed door, “Have you guys started with the real stuff yet? Or is it still just basics?”
Zita yanked her hair up into a ponytail, figuring she was being outshined by half the class anyway, no one would notice the eye abnormality, and splashed some water on her face. She stayed a bit longer, listening to Emily shouting outside the door and looking her reflection in the eyes. Wolf Eyes, huh? She smirked and slashed some more water on herself.
Training started as usual. Anders, now returned, gave them a harder warm up than the last time, as he had been doing every session since the beginning, then they went into stretches. Fortunately, Zita was practically a contortionist from a few too many torturous games of ‘hide and seek’. Unfortunately, Ash could twist herself into a pretzel if she so pleased.
Zita untwisted her limbs and stood once her stretches were done. Ash was doing the same a few rows down. The two of them reached the rack of practice weapons, located near the doors, at the same time.
“Are you really going to use the sword again?” Ash said, taking a mace from the bottom of the rack, “I thought protectors were supposed to be practiced in all kinds of weapons.” She walked off before Zita could give her retort.
Zita grabbed the sword defiantly.
“Okay, students,” Anders’ voice boomed through the ballroom, “We’re running some practice drills today. I’m going to need you to get in groups of four, cast a ring around your group when you’ve found them.”
Emily bounced up to Zita before she could fully process Anders’ words and hooked their arms together. Before she knew it, Zita was being dragged over to where Ash was swinging her mace around with practiced ease. Emily hooked her arm as well and scanned the room. It was hardly five seconds before she found a troll boy whose arm she could grab and had cast a bright yellow circle around them with two sharp hand motions.
Ash gave Emily a friendly nudge, “Pretty quick Em,” She said with a laugh. Zita forced her face to be neutral, her stance to be relaxed, her fists to stay unclenched at her sides. It would be best not to strangle a vampire. She wished she had a real sword.
“I’m gettin’ faster Ashy,” Emily agreed with a wink.
Zita shifted awkwardly. She and the troll exchanged uncomfortable glances. Why couldn’t I have been born a water nymph, she wondered as she wished for the nymphs’ shapeshifting abilities. It would be quite satisfying to splash into a puddle of water right now and soak through the floorboards.
The last group was ringed by blue sparks. Anders stepped up from his seat on a plastic folding chair Zita couldn’t recall seeing in the room before and raised his hands for silence.
He got what he asked for instantaneously, “Alright, now, I’m going to explain the game and lay down a few ground rules. Rules first,” He rubbed his hands together in anticipation, “NUMBER ONE! You will work with your group, as a team. You are a single unit, act like it. NUMBER TWO! No maiming or killing your fellow students, yes, that does include the people outside of your group. NUMBER THREE! This is a tactical game, I don’t want to see any reckless, ‘heroic’, charges into the enemy. I don’t want to see any total brute force attacks. I want you to take advantage of your small numbers and devise a strategy that will get you to your goal.”
He crossed his arms, “That said, alliances are allowed, so long as it conforms to the three team maximum and the rest of the rules are followed to the letter. Now, the good stuff.” He flicked his wrist and red sparks swirled over his outstretched palm. They clustered together and formed a three dimensional landscape, an open plain in the center, with hills on all sides covered in trees and bushes.
“This is your playing field. The objective of the game is to be the last team standing. What you have to do to accomplish that, is get everyone else out.” The map spun in his palm, then dissolved before anyone could get a really good look at it.
“In order to get a player out you have to tag them. All of you will be wearing gloves and vests that will alert me when someone is tagged and who tagged them. I am keeping score, so don’t think you can just ride by on your teammates.” the glint in his eye was truly evil, like the gym teachers her younger siblings so despised, and who Zita had secretly snuck after them to school to observe (how did you think she learned to read at all).
“The grounds are just outside the city, so stay together and follow me,” Anders barked his orders and marched out the doors with the kids following in something that loosely resembled a line.
Through the bustling streets they went, a few merpeople, naiads, and nymphs hopping into the waterway to follow from there while everyone else tried to tackle the much less manageable street. By some miracle, they got out of the city as a group.
When they arrived at the clearing, a group of people stood in the center of the field. Anders called for quiet and the chatter hushed. Zita spotted Kivvien standing among the vaguely familiar strangers. She gave him a questioning look. He gave her a wink. She growled in frustration. Did he have to be so sarcastic about everything?
“Teams, I want you to spread out and re-create your rings,” Anders barked from between the two groups. The ensuing shuffle and shoving ended quickly and Zita once again found herself squeezed between Emily and the troll boy, this time with Ash’s red magic popping and sparking a little too close for comfort.
“Alright!” Anders called. Everyone fell silent. “Each team is going to be assigned an active protector! They will help you complete this challenge, and win the prize at the end of it.” Mumbling broke out at the mention of the prize, of which none but the protectors, as evident by their smirks and raised eyebrows, knew about.
No one asked what it was, to Zita’s surprize, and Anders didn’t tell. Kivvien was assigned to Zita’s group, which may or may not have had something to do with a few words exchanged between Emily and Anders just before the assigning, and the game commenced. They had thirty seconds to run, and only Zita and the troll boy lagged behind as they did. Into the trees they went, Emily and Kivvien scaling them as easily as if gravity were no issue at all, which for the former it was not, and the rest of them running along the autumn leaves as quietly as they could (which wasn’t very quietly).
Suddenly, Kivvien dropped down in front of them, one fist raised even with his head, stop. Emily crept along the bough above them, silent, yet very visible in the bright orange tree with her red cape and tan sun hat, only topped off by a pair of black gardeners gloves. Zita would never know how she got out of the victorian dress so quickly, but she wondered nonetheless as Kivvien silently passed out the gloves and vests that Anders had mentioned.
As soon as the rough material was awkwardly fitted backwards to avoid her wings, it flickered and blended with the terrain. Zita grimaced. Rather than help, the camouflage only made her stand out more. Her enormous wings protruded from her back at odd angles, bound together still with the dirty, once-white bandages from her time with the nomads, with the occasional bright red, green, or blue feather poking out here and there like little beacons against the dirty bandages. Her black leggings and red shirt she had changed into for training were in stark contrast to the very blue trunks of the trees and the purple underbrush. The only place any part of her would blend in, was the trees, where her hair matched what was left of the living leaves almost perfectly.
Kivvien looked her over once and shook his head, sighing, “You sure those wings aren’t healed up yet?” he asked, inclining his head toward the bandages.
“Not for another week Kiv,” Emily chimed in before Zita could confess that even if they were they wouldn’t help one bit.
Kivvien waved it off, “We can work with it then. Ash, I need you to scout out a base and set a perimeter. Emily, keep watch over our current position and warn us when someone comes near. Jenren, crouch behind those bushes there and don’t get spotted. If someone comes near, I’m going to need you to take out as many of them as possible and run in the direction Ash goes. Zita, stay here with me and help me think up a plan of attack.” Everyone scattered to their assigned positions. Zita crouched next to Kivvien, trying to hide her wings under the tops of the bushes.
“Okay, when Ash gets back we’ll have to move as quickly as possible,” Kivvien began, “Jenren and you are the slowest in the group-”
“Gee, thanks” Zita mumbeled.
“-while Emily and I are the quickest.” He continued as if she hadn't said anything, “So…” he thought for a moment, tugging absently at a strand of hair.
Zita rolled her eyes, “So, you guys will have to slow it down,” She said, “Your also the best fighters, other than Ash, gods know how long she’s had to practice, so you’ll have to defend the two of us as we go. Emily, according to my observations, is better at magic than most of the group, so I would put her in front. On the ground, mind you, if she’s in the trees it’s easier for her to lose track of us and vice versa, we need to move as a unit as close to the ground as possible.”
“I disagree,” Kivvien said fairly, “From the trees she has better cover, and she prefers it up there anyway. She won’t lose track of us, I can assure you of that, and it’s not like she’s easy to lose track of. I’d have her in the trees above us to defend from a higher position, while Ash and I defend from the ground. You can use your practice weapon decently well, yeah?”
Zita nodded, “I pick up on moves pretty well, yes.”
“Good, you help with the general defence on the ground. If you could use your wings I would have you in the air to scout out everyone else’s positions, but since that’s not an option this’ll work for now.”
Zita picked at a loose strip of bandage by the tips of her wings. Yeah, in the air. One week from now was a long time, right? Not really. Her logical side wouldn’t let her harbor such fantasies. She was going to have to tell the truth sooner rather than later.
A rustling in the bushes told of Ash’s arrival. “There’s a small alcove about three hundred meters that way,” She pointed back the way she came, “You have to cross a creek to get there and there’s a group based just on the other side of the hill.”
Kivvien nodded, “Who’s with them?”
“Some of the lesser recruits, one of them I would classify as a threat, and Mulligan.”
Kivvien chuckled, “This should be fun.” he stood up, reaching inside his coat. Something clicked and his rapier dropped into a sword belt at his waist, “I’ll take care of Mulligan, Ash, you take out the threat, Zita, I think you can get the rest. Jenren,” He addressed the hidden team member without looking where he was hiding, “You follow Emily to the hideout, she can walk you through prep.” Jenren didn’t move or make a sound, but Zita assumed he heard.
Emily hopped down to a lower branch from where she was perched, surprisingly invisible despite her outfit, “Come along then,” She chirped, cheerful as a cherub in such a violent game. Zita may or may not have shivered.
Ash took off into the underbrush, vanishing as soon as she’d appeared and leaving not a trace or a sound. Kivvien waved Zita after him, and the two of them, less vanished and more stumbled, ungracefully with much crunching of leaves, into the bushes.
All the noise could be blamed on Zita, she knew, as she maneuvered her bulky, useless wings around the tighter and tighter patches of trees. She bit back a curse as the hard bark of one of the trees slammed into a particularly sore spot. The sudden tensing of her muscles almost knocked her over; the result was more noise.
Kivvien, however, only seemed mildly amused at her struggle. He would occasionally guide her through a wider opening or help her clumsily stumble over a tree root without landing on her face, but he otherwise made no attempt to stop her imbalanced wobble through the trees. Now that was frustrating.
She bit back a groan as she stubbed her already sore-to-the-point-of-being-numb toe on, yet another, gods’ forsaken tree root. Kivvien looked like he was holding back his laughter as he pointed to a spot behind a larger-than-the-rest tree. It was just then that she noticed the sounds of voices. She got the obvious command and ducked behind the tree.
Kivvien slinked silently toward the unsuspecting group. From her hiding place, Zita could finally make out some of the words being spoken in the clearing.
“-safe.” One person was saying in an exasperated tone, “No one is going to go attacking the other groups for a few minutes yet. Believe me, I’ve played before.”
“But what if someone does come? It’s not like you could pull off any oracle magic. You can’t see the future,” A younger kid said, sassily as possible.
Zita heard the start of the word and then a thud. She figured that was her cue. Brandishing her carved-to-look-like-a-sword stick, she, as tackfully as possible, got her wings stuck on a branch. A few tuggs got them loose, but the element of surprise was already lost.
As she had guessed, Kivvien was engaged in what she guessed would have been an impressive battle with the other protector in the group. Unfortunately, she had other things to think about right this second.
The moment she was free, a wooden dagger was coming at her head. By what she would never admit was a stroke of luck, she ducked beneath the hit and swung her sword. It connected with her attackers midsection and they instantly vanished. She was momentarily fazed by the unexpected short-range teleportation spell, leading to her being nearly wacked in the shoulder by a still-dangerous-looking practice mace.
She squared off with her attacker, a vampire boy with shock blond hair and a cocky smirk. She stabbed at his middle. He deflected. So she would have to be tricky with him. Gods knew how old he really was, after all. He could have been training for three hundred years for all she knew.
She faked right and struck left. He saw that coming, apparently. She grit her teeth and struck again, this time moving a few steps to the right as fast as she could to throw him off. A hit to his shoulder sent him to his teammate.
When Zita turned around she was met with the sight of her own team standing alone in the small clearing. She hadn’t seen Ash show up, but she was there as well, looking awfully smug as she twirled a practice knife she definitely hadn’t had before in her hands as nonchalauntly as if she were opening a bag of chips. Absolutely nothing worrying about that.
“You know there were two more of those kids, right?” Ash said, voice dripping with sarcasm.
Zita gave the most genuine, fake smile she could, “Oh, silly me, I was just busy taking care of the other two. I didn’t realize that it was such a big problem for you.”
“Ash,” Kivvien cut the redhead off before she could respond, “Zita did her fair share, I don’t even know why you decided to re-take training in the first place, so you can swallow whatever it was you were going to say and meet Emily at the base. I seem to remember you being a competent tracker?”
“I’m a lot more than competent,” Ash growled and vanished into the bushes.
Kivvien let out an exasperated sigh and sheathed his rapier, “I cannot conceive whatever it is Emily sees in that viper.” It wasn’t meant for Zita’s ears, but she couldn’t help overhearing. Muttering under your breath was a lot more effective when the people near you didn’t have exceptional hearing. When they were listening, that is.
“Okay, you and I are going to take out the remaining teams in this area while they regroup,” Kivvien said aloud, this time intending Zita to hear him.
“Um, are you sure that’s the best move?” Zita questioned, “I’m not a bad fighter, but I’m not that good either. Plus, these wings are going to snag on every branch on the way, not to mention throw me off balance.”
Kivvien shook his head, “You’ll do fine, just follow my lead.”
And with that, he was gone, silent as a mouse despite the dry leaves covering the forest bed. That has to be some kind of spell, Zita thought as she took off after him, uncamouflaged and loud as a wingless dragon.
The next team they found heard them coming, or rather, heard Zita coming. Somehow, by a miraculous stroke of luck, Zita managed not to get hit in this fight either. Though, that may have been because of Kivvien, who took down his fellow protector in a matter of seconds, then the three students (who didn’t stand a chance) while Zita engaged in a one on one fight with the last remaining student. The elf boy was quicker than she was, but her reach was much longer, so she won.
With no time to catch her breath, Zita was ushered off again to track down anyone else who dared stray to their territory. Her luck ran out in the next fight, however, and she got vanished by a broadsword to the back.
There was a dizzying flash of light and the gut-wrenching sensation of falling, then, suddenly, she was sitting on her butt in the grass on the tallest of the hills around the valley, wondering why she had never felt the sword actually hit her.
Above her head, projections rimmed in red glowed like television screens, showing the progress of every remaining team. A few of the screens were black with a flashing red X to show that everyone in that team was out. Zita found her own team near the bottom and was unsurprised to see Kivvien finishing off the one who had taken out Zita. The boy appeared nearby a second later and his team's screen went black.
The projection changed to show Emily perched in the branches above an unsuspecting group. The next few seconds were impossible to follow. One minute, Emily was above them, somehow unseen despite her lack of camouflage, the next she was crouching in the empty space where they used to be. The bewildered kids appeared in the clearing. Zita smirked. Emily was nothing if not full of surprises.
The rest of the game was just more of the same. Apparently, Emily, Ash, and Kivvien working together made for an unbeatable team. So long as you kept Kivvien and Ash away from each other. Zita noticed the glances between them, the glares, the sharper-than-warranted words. Emily didn’t seem to see any of it.
The match ended as predictably as ever, but the moment of victory was not what they expected. Before Zita could even walk over to her team as they crested the hill, Anders raised his hands and voice with urgency.
“Everyone! Back to the hotel, double time! Stay with your teams and regroup in the ballroom! No questions!” And then he sprinted off, the students following at half the speed. Kivvien and Zita exchanged a puzzled look as they brought up the tail of their group.
“What’s-” Zita huffed a breath, “Going on?”
“No idea,” Kivvien wasn’t so much as breathing hard, “Anders will explain, the faster we run the faster we get that explanation.”
Zita went on a tangent in her head about the entitlement of Kivvien for being able to carry a conversation while running with ease, and then suggesting that she run faster. She’d have voiced her opinions if she could find herself capable of drawing breath well enough to do that.
Finally, the group made it to the hotel. They burst, huffing and puffing, through the doors and shuffled into the ballroom like a herd of very sweaty sheep. Waiting for them, was Anders, looking as refreshed as ever with only the slightest sheen of sweat by his hairline to suggest that maybe, just maybe, he had slightly exerted any energy at all in the mile-or-so sprint back into town.
Zita’s annoyance melted, however, at the grave look on his face.
“You made good time,” He said without enthusiasm. The tension rose in the air, a buzzing electricity, a magic growing stronger by the second with no perceivable source.
“The reason for the hurry,” He continued, scattering Zita’s train of thought, “is quite urgent.” He cleared his throat and shifted his weight. Left. Right. Left. Right.
“There was a Kid Stop on the other side of the city,” He said after a pause. Was. It was a ringing now, not a buzz. Bells and gongs ringing like alarms in Zita’s head.
Murmurs ran through the group. Some were confused, others worried. All were tense.
“It was attacked this morning.”
The murmurs turned to loud whispers. Were they safe here? Did they have to leave? Was anyone hurt? Shouldn’t they have been there? Could they have helped? There questions were debated around and around in circles. Spirals of questions without answers, asked again and again in stage whispers in and echoey ballroom. Zita pressed her fingers to her temples to ward off the headache those questions brought on. It did nothing.
Anders raised a hand for silence. He got it. “I know you all have a lot of questions, but we can’t answer all of them now. What I can say is, we will have to leave. All of us. We have to scatter to the surrounding stop s to ensure their safety. You are not fully trained yet, but you will have to use what you know now and build on it in the field. The winning team-” He addressed the five of us directly, “-will stay here. The original prize was supposed to be something quite different, but this will have to do. If you accept this assignment you may go to the dining hall now. If not, stay here and I’ll tell you your secondary assignment.”
Zita traded a look with Kivvien and Emily. She received a nod from both. The three of them turned and headed to the doors. The crowd parted to make way, and Zita noticed Ash by Emily’s side. She pinned her eyes on the doors and kept walking.
A/N
So this one isn't AS long as some of my others (I promise, I'm working on it) but it's still pretty long so I'm sorry about that. The interesting part has just begun, I swear there will be less dilly-dallying in later chapters. Pretty soon here I'm going to go back and cut out any and all of the extra fluff and al that jazz, but for now, it is what it is. Tell me what you'd like to see in later chapters, or what you think you will see. That first one may or may not come to pass, as I have an outline and what's in that is what will be in the book, but hey, you might guess something. Or you could end up being the inspiration for a highly specific scene that I never would have htought of before. Who knows?
Anyway, it's experence week at my school so, once again, I won't get a ton of work done on this project, but I should be posting more chapters soon!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hey there Cyr.
I haven't read any of the previous chapters in this novel and I'm just jumping right in. From what I managed to get out of this chapter, these kids or presenting as kids, are at some sort of magical combat school. And their presence in their world is probably not that welcome from all the talk we have have of shielding. Then with the way it leads off at the end for a mysterious attack and the winning team.
I'm a bit confused by the winning team being assigned to whatever dangerous assignment this may be, probably just from how I'm not acquainted with the story. I don't know what dangers are really lying in the path but I assume there is a greater enemy at hand. There's almost always a greater enemy at hand in a fantasy story, and I'm sure that this one is no different.
A nice aspect that I got from this chapter was some physical character description of Zita, who I assume is the main character. You are most often writing from her eyes and hearing her thoughts, and this is definitely starting to sound like "her story". It's equal parts discovery of self and the ongoing adventure, along with the standard dramatic character dynamics. So she has wings that were damaged in some sort of accident? Hmm.
I'm still a bit hung up on how she's interacting with these other characters and the teams that are formed. Ash is a character that I'm guessing will turn into more of a friend, just based on how these novels usually go. I almost get a love interest vibe from both Emily and Kivvien, so you might want to clear up something in those interactions. And my association there is also coming from how stories like this are normally designed.
So that's my commentary on the content but then there's a few technical things that I wanted to glance over.
You really need to work on the formatting for your dialogue, being more consistent about comma placings, capitalization and separating out the lines of dialogue. In most places, I assume that these were just simple mistakes but that doesn't give any excuse for them to be there. Pick up on your proofreading and if you don't notice the issue I'm talking about, drop me a line and then we can workshop it out.
Another thing is just your wording, which tends to lead towards being awkward. I think that some of it is coming from trying to give the character's thoughts while also giving all of the information about the scene, so it just becomes rather jumbled. I would like to see more care put into this general area but you seem to be doing alright overall, with the usual stumbles.
If you have any questions about this review or anything else, feel free to drop me a line.
Have a great day.
- Lizz <3
Thanks! (and believe me, I do not want to be clearing anything up with the vibes you're getting from Em and Kiv) (if you keep reading you'll get it, your initial assumption is wrong)
Hey Cyr!
I saw that you also had this chapter in the Green Room, so I figured I may as well come along and rescue it as well, now that the story is fresh on my mind. You already know my review style at this point, so let's just jump right on in...
So this is an example of a really vague use of the "she" in a sentence. It could refer to either Emily or Zita in this context. I suspect you mean that Emily was in Zita's room when Zita woke up -- but for all I know, Emily passed out drunk and when she woke she was in Zita's room instead of her own. The sentence can be taken either way.
I think the word you are looking for here is bizarre, not bazar. Bizarre means a really strange thing -- a bizarre sight makes sense. A bazar is a small middle-eastern open market, so a bazar sight doesn't really make sense, at least not in this context
~ ~ ~
Okay! I think this chapter was much stronger than the previous one. There was a lot of action and descriptions of the fighting and the settings and I really enjoyed it. It was quite exciting and jammed packed with excitement.
One thing you could improve on is the hook at the end. I'm still pretty confused as to what Anders is drafting Zita's team into doing and what they're agreeing to just now -- how much risk is involved? Do /they/ know what they're being asked to do? What's the emotional response? Surely Zita has feelings about the assignment -- fear, anxiety, excitement? something - beyond simply a petty hatred of Ash.
I did like this chapter, though! And I think that's about all I've got for now.
Keep writing!
~Shady