My father hit me. Again, Again, and Again. He turned away from me ready to leave. "I'll never stop trying" I muttered under my breath. He turned around to look at me, his eyes blazing with fury. He hit me so hard I fell on my back.
Through my sobs I heard him say, "Serves you right." I laid there thinking to myself, wondering when Toby would come home. Toby is my older brother, he is 17. Toby promised when he got out of high school and went to college he would take me with him. I can't wait. Our father abuses us. He hits us when he thinks we have done something wrong. This time he hit me because I tried to call child protective services. I don't know how long I had laid there thinking before Toby came home.
"Tabby." he yelled running toward me. "What happened?" I looked up at him, one eyebrow raised. What happened!?! I thought. That was a stupid question. It was of course Dad!
"Dad" I managed to whisper. Toby scooped me up and carried me up the stairs to my room. It was a sad room. The blue old fashioned wall paper was peeling off. All I had was a trunk of old clothes, a stack of books, and a small bed. I put my hand up to my head and felt something squishy. I looked at my hand in horror. It was completely covered in blood. No wonder Toby had sounded so worried. Dad usually doesn't make us bleed. Toby set me on the bed.
"Let me go get my first aid kit."he told me and ran out the door. Toby wanted to be a doctor, even though dad disaproved. Toby was musclar like dad. So dad thought he would want to join the football team or something. Toby raced back into the room and got out the peroxide. I gritted my teeth as he applied it. He the brought out a bandage and wrapped it around my head. "You're ok." he whispered soothingly. I looked up at Toby. He had his brown hair flopping over his brown eyes. I forced a smile upon my lips.
"Thank you" I said.
"No problem" he told me "So what did you do this time?"
I winced."um..." I started "I tried to call child protective services"
He frowned. "That's the second time this week" he said "you know they never help us."
I shook my head. "I had hoped" I whispered. Tears started to run down my cheeks.
Toby reached out and drew me into a hug. "It's ok. It's ok." he told me "I didn't mean to make you cry."
I wiped away the tears with my sleeve. "Toby?"
"Yea?" he answered.
"Promise me you will always be there for me." I said.
He looked down at me. "I promise" He told me. I grinned and pressed closer to him. After awhile Toby asked "Ready to eat?". I thought about it for a moment and nodded, hoping dad wasn't in the kitchen. As it turns out he was. Dad towered above me and it didn't help that I am very short. Toby says I got that from mom. I don't remember her because she died when I was 3. I shrank back at dad's glare. He looked at me with a truly wicked grin.
Then he turned to direct his attention to Toby. "Make me spaghetti." He ordered and thundered off to the dining room.
"Yes sir" Toby muttered mockingly under his breath so dad wouldn't hear. He got the pot out from the cupboard, filled it with water, and put it on the stove to boil. Toby turned to me with a straw in his hand. "So what will it be? pb and j or soup?" He said speaking into the straw. I laughed and grabbed one too.
"Well, I think it has almost come to a tie, but pb and j wins!" I told him. We both burst out laughing.
We stopped when we heared dad growl from the kitchen. "Stop horsing around! I'm starving" Toby finished making the spagetti and brought it to dad.
When dad was finished Toby and I sat down at the table. "So did you get the test grades back today?" Toby asked.
I looked down at the floor. "Yea" I mumbled.
"And?" he questioned.
I felt my face turn red. "I got a C" I told him.
"Tabby!" He gasped, clearly suprised. "We studied all week!" he sighed "I guess it's not the worst grade you can get. But on the future tests let's study more." I nodded. But there was a knot in my stomach for some odd reason. One word raced through my mind... Future. You will never know your future. "Now let,s go to bed." Toby told me.
I ran up to my room and changed into my pajamas. Toby opened the door to my room. "Good night Tabby." He said.
"Good night." I answered. He walked back to his room and I heard his door creak as he closed it shut. In the darkness of the night I heard crickets chirping in the distance. That,s all I can remember before falling asleep.
I woke up in the night in sheer panick. In my dream dad had shot Toby. I sat straight up in bed. Then I found myself walking down the hall to Toby's bedroom. "Toby!" I whispered. "Toby!" I hissed again, only a little louder this time.
He moaned "What?"
"I had a bad dream." I told him. He scooted over to give me room to lay down. He patted the bed. I crawled in and huddled up to him and my last thought before falling asleep was Toby was the best brother in the world.
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139,599 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Eep, sorry this review is so late. O_O My bad.
Anyway, I'll start by saying that I thought this was a good piece. I like gritty, true-to-life type stories about "dark" subjects people don't write about often enough, and this fits the bill.
That said… there are some issues. This story could definitely benefit, like many other stories by young authors on here, from some polish. One error I noticed (and this is pretty small) is that you refer to their father as "dad." That should be capitalized. "Dad" is spelled lowercase if there's a "my" in front of it ("my dad") or a "her" ("her dad"), etc., but if a character is referring to the father as "dad," it needs to be capitalized since it's acting as a name.
So, for example, "in my dream, dad had shot Toby" would become "in my dream, Dad had shot Toby." A little confusing, huh? XD Ah, the joys of being a writer…
Otherwise, good job! I'd love to see a part two to this.
I don't know if you are looking for feedback.... But hey I hope so because I only want to help. I liked it but the sentences are a bit short and don't flow well.
Toby is the best brother!
Hello! This isn't going to be much of a review, but I just really wanted to comment.
This is really good, but like everything, it can use some polishing. I believe the people who reviewed this work below pointed out some spelling, punctuation, and grammar mistakes, but they didn't go much deeper than that.
This story is sad, but to be honest, I don't feel anything. A really good story will leave me laughing, crying, sheering on a main character, or pitying them, something. While I was sad for Tabby, I didn't feel the insane and desperate need to help her.
I would suggest describing her thought's more. Try talking about what she feels for her father, whether it be anger, hatred, defiance, or any strong, powerful emotion. Talk more about how she reacts to certain things, like her brother's kindness or her father's abusiveness.
One thing I noticed was that you didn't describe her pain. She was hit to the floor, she's crying, but she doesn't register pain, at least not in the story. It doesn't say that she felt pain or agony, or maybe she's just to numb to feel pain, in which case, she would still feel pressure. Then ,when her brother is so worried because of the blood, It just didn't feel right. It felt like she should have talked more about the blood, whether she was sickened by it, terrified, shocked her dad would do that, disgusted, or horrified.
Really, this was good. It just has a few spots where it could be even better!
yubbies21
Hey It's Neverland here to review your marvellous piece. Now before I continue I'd just like to say a few things, one you've done an amazing job, especially for a young age. Second I agree with what BrittanyNicole said, you should continue, it would make for an interesting story. I also agree with what RLK said.
As for what I have to say:
This is amazingly written, even though you do have a few spelling and punctuation mistakes, but that’s to be expected with everyone. We wouldn't be human if we didn’t. Though there are a few things that are a bit too big to ignore;
'Tabby's father hit her. Again, Again, and Again. He turned away from Tabby ready to leave. "I'll never stop trying" I muttered under my breath. He turned around to look at me, his eyes blazing with fury. He hit me so hard I fell on my back.'
You start off by saying 'Tabby' and then go to 'I'. Also you said it in the very first line but I believe that you should not use the word dad. Dad is someone who loves and cares for you. And this man does not, so therefore I think you should use the word father, someone that Tabby is related to, but not cared for.
Another thing;
'Through my sobs I heard him say, "Serves you right." I laid there thinking to myself, wondering when Toby would come home. Toby is my older brother, he is 17. Toby promised when he got out of high school and went to college he would take me with him. I can't wait. Our father abuses us. He hits us when he thinks we have done something wrong. This time he hit me because I tried to call child protective services. I don't know how long I had laid there thinking before Toby came home.'
This seems a little disjointed. Not sure how you could fix this but maybe you could have a look at it see what you can do.
Now for some praise. The way you wrote the relationship between Tabby and Toby was exquisite. It reminded me of my brother. Anyway I think you have something here and you should really try to continue this adventure. I can’t wait to read more of your work so keep at it.
Xx
~Neverland.
When I first started reading, I got confused because of the POV change.
This is a really good story; I like the details and imagery you portray.
There's only a couple punctuation mistakes, but nothing really major.
Keep up the good work! I look forward to reading more of your stories!(:
I like this,but at the first part you change POV.You were in third,then went to first.It just tweaks with me,other than that it was an awesome work.
I like what you have here, I really do. One thing you've done extremely well is connect the emotional boundaries between the two siblings. I had a sense that Toby really does love Tabby, and wants the best for her. This is evident when he and Tabby are talking in the kitchen about her receiving a C on a test. He explains that they've been studying for a week. The disappointment from him is there.
One thing you should work on is more descriptive sentences. It helps the reader picture the setting and get more of a feel for what is happening. During some points I found it difficult to create that image.
You had some spelling errors, but it's nothing different from whats already been explained.
In the end, I think this has potential. Continue writing, I look forward to seeing more work from you. Welcome to YWS!
Is this gong to be continued? You can make it a story about a young girl and her brother who have to suffer the abuse of their dad.
Punctuation- there are some wrong punctuation in places. This includes:
~That,s all I can remember before falling asleep~
You shouldn't have a comma there but instead an apostrophe
Numbers- this is newbie thing so do yet mad if you get it wrong. Instead of putting a number you say the number.
Example: 3 should be three
Spelling: you have something's misspelled.
Musclar should be muscular
All in all this isn't too bad for a new person. On another note, Welcome to YWS!
Thx for the help!
Depressing, but it sounds like your speaking from maybe experience?
"I had a bad dream." I told him. He scooted over to give me room to lay down. He patted the bed. I crawled in and huddled up to him and my last thought before falling asleep was Toby was the best brother in the world.
- Nice flow end. Tells details and gives the character thought. I like the setting and the love your showing between her and her brother. Like nothing in the world would divide them.
Good story, are you going to continue it?
Um...I'm not sure. Maybe.
You shouldc:
Maybe.