"Beep! Beep! Beep!" My alarm clock went off. I moaned. "7:00 already?" I groaned. I slammed my hand on the snooze button. But 5 minutes later came the dreaded beeping.
"Beep! Beep! Beep!"
I moaned, but I got out of bed. I threw on some jeans and a Jaw's t-shirt. I walk out of my bedroom to see that Bethany had made me breakfast. It was some sort of vegan pancake with fruit on the side. How do you cook Vegan pancakes? I wondered. I was starveing so I didn't take to much time to ponder on that. I ate the thing in practically two bites! I glanced at the clock. I'm going to be late! I got up and grabbed my jacket and boots. I headed out of the house.
"See you later." I called to Bethany. She waved in response. I got into my car and started the 5 minute journey to work. Along the way I saw my next door neighbor, Jim, walking. Jim doesn't have a car. I pulled over.
"Hey Jim. Need a ride?" I ask.
"Thanks Chris! That would be great!" He replied. He hopped into the car and I took him to the store.
"Thanks for the ride." He said and gave me a five dollar bill.
"That's not nessisary." I started to say, but he was already gone. I'll give it back to him later. I made a mental note. I started to drive to work, but huge rain clouds were starting to form. The rain starteed as a little pitter, patter, here and there on my window sheild. But by the time I got to work the rain was pouring buckets. By the time it took me to get from my car into work I was soaked. I walked passed Rick's desk.
"Hey Chris." Said Rick.
"Hey Rick." I repiled distractedly. I got into my office and started up my computer. I had just logged on when there was a knock at my door.
"Come in." I said and in walked a woman. The woman was wearing a grey suit with black high heels that clicked when she walked. She had shoulder length brown hair and matching brown eyes. She extended her hand to me.
"Hello. I'm Patricia" She said.
"Hello." I replied and shook her hand. "I'm Chris."
"Delightful. I will be your new assistent. Tell me if you need me." She walked off.
"Well...okay." I softly called after her. I yawned, I needed some coffee. I headed for the break room. Rick was in there.
"Hey." I said and started making some coffee. Mike walked in. I rolled my eyes. Mike kisses up to the boss so he doesn't have to do any work.
"You guy's want to go see a movie?" Mike asks. Rick shakes his head.
"Some of us have work to do." I mutter.
"Fun mops." Mike says crossly and storms off.
"Oh yeah! Well your a.... Fun broom!" Rick calls after him.
"Nice comeback Rick." I roll my eyes.
"I know." He says, he pumped his fist into the air, knocking over a lamp.
"Oops." He said and started to pick up the shattered glass.
"What is a fun mop anyway?" I ask.
"Well. I guess it's like you absorb all the fun and leave none for anyone else." He explained. I grabbed my coffee.
"I'm going to get back to work." I declared.
"Bye!" Rick called after me. I get into my office to find a man there. The man was wearing a black suit with sunglasses.
"Greetings." He stated. "I lost some files on my computer. Can you retrieve them?"
"Sure!" I said. He handed over his computer. After a couple of hours I finally got the files back. I clicked on one to make sure it worked. I only got to read the headline before the man slammed the computer shut.
Top Secret.
"Thank you for your time." Said the man and he left. Then there was a knock at my door.
"Come in!" I called. An old man hobbled in.
"My regular password for my computer isn't working." He rasped. I took one look at the computer and knew what was wrong with it.
"Your caps lock is on." I said.
"Your a genius!" The old man exclaimed and he hobbled out just the way he came in. I shrugged and got on my email. I had an email from my neice titled, My Biography. I read it, it was the story of her entire life, atleast the most important parts. I was interuppted by someone opening my door, no knock or anything. It was Patricia.
Oh yay me. I thought. She's so fun to be around.
"May I help you?" I ask.
"Mike wants you to drop by his office." She reported.
And the fun streak contunies. I think grumpily.
"Okay." I say. "Tell him I'll be there in a minute." Patricia nodded and left. I get up and head to Mike's office, wondering what he wants. I knock on his door.
"Come in!" Mike yelled. I opened the door.
"I'm here." I said.
"And so you are." Mike retorted. Sometimes I wonder if Mike just sits in his office think of good sarcastic comments.
"And you wanted me here because?" I trailed off.
"Holiday's. I want to know how many days you want to have off for thanksgiving." He returned.
"Um... two days?" I suggested.
"Settled." Declared Mike. I got up and left, by now work was over.
"Bye Chris." Said Rick as I passed his office on the way out.
"Bye Rick." I say. When I got outside it was still raining, though now it was just a sprinkle. I got into my car and drove home. I didn't see Jim along the way. When I got home Bethany had made a me a huge dinner. Before I ate I went into my room to take off my jacket. I took out my phone and called my neice, Tori.
"Hey Tori. I read your biography." I said.
"Really? Did you like it?" She asked.
"Yeah. I have a challenge for you." I chortled.
"What kind of challenge?" She questioned.
"Write a story of how you think my ordinary day goes." I said.
"Challenge exepted."
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
I really liked the short story. It was a humorous piece indeed. But i do think you could have described your characters better. Like for example, Bethany. I have no idea who she is. And Chris. You really haven't described him and what he works as. Jim had a really small role in the story, he is almost of no significance at all. So i just thought you could have described them well.
And i felt you just rushed through the story. You could have described the situation more clearly cause i felt a lot was happening in such a short span of time due to the lack of description. And lastly i do agree with the others about the spelling errors. But it really didn't have a lot of impact on my reading.
But on the whole it was a great piece and i enjoyed reading it. Hope to read more.
Hello,
I think this is a great piece of writing. I like the bit about the 'fun mop'. That is a great idea.
However, there are a few spelling mistakes such as 'continues' and 'accepted', etc. Also, you don't need to put a full stop at the end of speech if it is followed by he said, she said, I said, etc. E.g when you say "Write a story of how you think my day goes." I said. This could be turned into "Write a story of how you think my day goes," I said.
I hope that made sense.
Overall, I really like this piece of writing. You just need to make a few corrections and it will be great. Well done
Hello.
I really enjoyed the opening of this piece. With all that beeping. Lulz.
Joking aside, I thought it was a really strong opening.
The dialogue between the characters was good, however....
'Said Rick.' Doesn't need to be a capital 'S' there, in fact, there shouldn't be.
'"Challenge exepted."' I think you mean accepted. XD
Awww. There are several little technical errors like that in the piece, which doesn't spoil the reading at all. But it is just something that needs addressing in terms of editing.
Otherwise. Good work and a good read. Well done.
thehotinpsychotic is here to review! At the beginning, when you use moan and groan near each other, it seems a little awkward. You might want to space the usage of those two words out. Your sentences in general seem a little choppy and clipped, try varying the length to make the entire work more fluent. Also, you never explain who Bethany is. Is it his maid, his mom, or his sister? Some of these are tiny things that will help it. Another thing is that I always tell people to try to write it in present tense, because it's easier for the reader to picture it/see themselves there. However, writing in past tense isn't really a flaw. On the sentence "I roll my eyes." and "I ask", you switch tenses. Write in the tense you find necessary, but make sure you stick with it throghout the story.
There was also some minor typos, misusage of grammar, and things like that, but those are no big deal.
But this was a pretty decent story, overall. I love how you use a bunch of words other than "said". They're more descriptive, and I think help the flow. I like the end, and love the part with the old man. Keep writing!
ah I see what you did at the end, and it was really clever! I never expected that to happen aha, okay now down to the review.
I really liked it and was well engaged into reading it within about a minute. You did an amazing job of making it seem very real-life like. You get a lot of shows that are meant to be realistic these days and they do sometimes suck at doing it but you did a really awesome job of making it realistic. The imagery and explanations were just crystal clear as well, I completely followed it from start to finish and was never confused at all.
The grammar was all neat and correctly done as well. The vocabulary you used was very advanced as well the only thing that I guess you could improve on would be using a few other words than "said". But that can actually be quite hard, I use "said" quite a bit but if you can add in a few more different more detailed words when a character says a line then the vocabulary would be really outstanding.
There were a couple of miss spellings I did spot but it's nothing major and these things are bound to happen when typing so just did a quick proof read whenever you finish a piece to make sure the spelling is in order. Apart from that though it was really great as it just seemed so realistic to me, and non-fiction writing as realistic as this is a rarity these days. I hope you make more realistic writing pieces, I will be checking your work and reviewing it whenever I get the chance
Ben Gillies
Thank you! I actually made this for my uncle Chris!
ah okay, so his job is working on computers then?
Yeah.
ah I see what you did at the end, and it was really clever! I never expected that to happen aha, okay now down to the review.
I really liked it and was well engaged into reading it within about a minute. You did an amazing job of making it seem very real-life like. You get a lot of shows that are meant to be realistic these days and they do sometimes suck at doing it but you did a really awesome job of making it realistic. The imagery and explanations were just crystal clear as well, I completely followed it from start to finish and was never confused at all.
The grammar was all neat and correctly done as well. The vocabulary you used was very advanced as well the only thing that I guess you could improve on would be using a few other words than "said". But that can actually be quite hard, I use "said" quite a bit but if you can add in a few more different more detailed words when a character says a line then the vocabulary would be really outstanding.
There were a couple of miss spellings I did spot but it's nothing major and these things are bound to happen when typing so just did a quick proof read whenever you finish a piece to make sure the spelling is in order. Apart from that though it was really great as it just seemed so realistic to me, and non-fiction writing as realistic as this is a rarity these days. I hope you make more realistic writing pieces, I will be checking your work and reviewing it whenever I get the chance
Ben Gillies
Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.
This was very good. The dialogue was humorous, it was overall believable, and that ending was really great.
Technical nitpicks:
There's no E in "starving," and I don't think there needs to be an exclamation point at the end of "two bites."
It's spelled "necessary."
You accidentally put a second E in "started."
Switch around the I and the E so it reads "shield."
No need to capitalize the S in "said."
This would be better if you changed it to:
'I yawned, needing some coffee.'
There's a sudden shift in tense right here, from past tense to present tense. This is an annoyingly easy and common mistake to make. Decide which one you like better (I would guess past, since the majority of the story is told in past tense) and go with that (past is easier to stick with usually, by the way).
Should be:
'"Oh, yeah? Well you're a . . . fun broom!"'
"You're," not "your."
("You're" is the abbreviated form of "you are," while "your" just means "your.")
It's spelled "continues."
"Accepted," not "excepted."
Besides for those nitpicks, good work with this! It was very cute and charming, not to mention quite funny in parts. Keep writing!
Thx!