this year i predict a
new, disastrous tropical storm.
it is me.
when the clock turned to midnight,
i gave her 12 confessions:
"i have never loved anyone else
as much as i love you."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello! I love your poem, so there's not much to say, but I can say a few things.
This sounds a little awkward and halting to me. Same thing with this part:
However, this one's more with spacing than words.
I love how each word counted as a separate confession.
That's about it, really. Sorry I can't help more.
Keep writing!
-Grace
I really like it. There are several suggestions that I have about your poetry. Firstly, maybe in the second line "new, disastrous tropical storm." If you moved the words around a bit in order to make it "disastrous" you could express a more vivid sense of chaos and disaster. So possibly
new
disastrous
tropical
storm
Or something similar. Poetry is all about expression and you can have a lot of freedom with to make the reader feel what you are trying to convey.
Another this is, I really like how your whole poem is in lowercase letters only. I don't have more else to bring your attention about the poetry. I love it, and the style is really admirable. I love how it's short and sweet, epecially at the end of the poem with the confession. Keep up the good work!
" new disastrous tropical storm" was supposed to be all over the place in the example I gave but the words went directly under each other when I submitted, so you know what I meant just messy and creative
Hey @TheMarauderBandit, Stella here for a review!
So this is super short and really packs a punch, but I have a couple of points I'd like to make about it.
1. Tense. You start with prediction, suggesting that the rest of the poem should be in future tense. But the next line is in present tense, and the rest of the poem is in past. Hm. What's going on here?! From when is the speaker speaking to us - from after the New Year, or before? Then when are they predicting the storm for? You'd think that the storm starts with the words.
It's just that this tense change ruins the flow of the poem, because your readers are going back and forth wondering where the story of the poem actually starts. I also think that if you linked the original metaphor with the quote at the end that the whole thing would really be a lot more emotional. As it is they feel distanced from each other, and that's not doing you any favours.
2. The wording of the last two lines. I realise that you wanted twelve words, but in particular "anyone else" felt awkward to me, as if you just put in the "else" to fill up to your twelve words. It broke the flow for me a lot, because it doesn't seem natural, you wouldn't say "anyone else" in that situation in real life, you would just say "anyone" - the "else" is implied. So that for really broke the flow for me again.
Overall I think that the piece's main issue is flow, it just doesn't all fit together perfectly, it's a bit disjointed. When something is as short as this, it really needs to be fairly seamless for it to work and currently it all seems a bit fractured to me. I would work on trying to connect your two ideas here - the first being the storm metaphor, and the second the confessions at midnight - somehow work out how the two can flow into one another. Otherwise they're two quite separate entities - the energy and darkness of a tropical storm, compared to the New Year party atmosphere the second half creates. I don't know if you need a third motion in there somewhere, or just a smoother transition, but currently it seems like the beginning of one poem and the end of another, we just need to find a way to make the pieces fit together
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Remind me to review later, right now I have class, but I fully intent to come back and review. Don't let me forget! Marvelous piece.
So this is really short, but I think it still says a lot. I like the confidence and the absolute nature of the speaker. It's almost like if someone put "new year new me" into a poem which I think is kind of funny. We've all made some new years resolutions and I think that all of us neglect to put "to love ourselves more" at the very top of the list. In just 7 short lines, you made a very powerful statement. Something that says all of us need to see ourselves better. I liked your word choice in the second line and I liked how you alluded to the 12 confessions in the previous lines with the clock. Whenever someone tells me that they have low self esteem, I tell them to look in the mirror and tell themselves that they're awesome because even if you don't believe it now, you'll believe it. I also love the statement this makes, that self confidence can turn a person into something much more dangerous than what they would be without that confidence. A man or woman on a mission is something that nobody can mess with. I loved the poem great job.