Say This is a Title

He’s turned me into a typical girl.
#FF0000 ">They said I’m a typical girl now. The repetition of the line was unnecessary, and who is 'they'?

I used to like jazz, and I used to love poetry.
I #FF0000 ">enjoyed mini-vans, and I adored cartoons and cereal. Enjoyed just seems like the wrong word...

I loved it when his clothes didn’t fit.

NowI wait by the phone for his call.
Isit on the curb, and cry and wait and wait and wait for his truck.
I listen to his indie rock trash, and I threw away my punk pop CD’s.
#FF0000 ">I do not hold myself so loosely anymore. this line has a lot of potential, and the meaning and placement of the line are great. BUT, i think the wording makes it lose it's gleam.

#0000BF ">When they said, ‘Love is like a roller coaster’ they
meant that you’ll be scared the whole time,
and you’ll feel sick afterwards.
Likkkkeeeee!
They said that you won’t be an individual anymore,
like you like it. They said you’ll be a part of something else.
One two headed person, #FF0000 ">dependent on each other. instead of telling me you're dependent on each other, why not talk about the difficulties of walking with two heads, or something of the sort. Make this more unappealing.

Keep wriiiitting
P.S. This isn't like prose.... don't worry. I knew it was a poem, with or without the forum to tell me.

Ok this looks more like a short story not a poem.
And its random. I hate randomness (LOL)

If this is a real experince i apoligize.
If not well im glad:)

But again this is NOT poetry its a short story

No offense
-pointe

Ok this looks more like a short story not a poem.
And its random. I hate randomness (LOL)

If this is a real experince i apoligize.
If not well im glad:)

But again this is NOT poetry its a short story

No offense
-pointe

Hey, Jenna. I can't believe how new you are and how many posts blogs you've posted. Haha! Anyway, tonight, I'll be reviewing you. My comments are in #FF4080 ">pinkish font.

TheJennaRaiton wrote:He’s turned me into a typical girl.
They said I’m a typical girl now.#FF0080 ">This will be better if you use "say".

I used to like jazz, and I used to love poetry.
I enjoyed mini-vans, and I adored cartoons and cereal.

I loved it when his clothes didn’t fit. #FF0080 ">Seems too out of the blue and out of place.

Now I wait by the phone for his call.
I sit on the curb and cry and wait and wait and wait for his truck.
I listen to his indie rock trash, and I threw away my punk pop CD’s.
I do not hold myself so loosely anymore.#FF0080 ">Just a suggestion. For me, it will sound better if you wrote, Sitting on the curb, crying and waiting for his truck; or Sitting on the curb, just crying and waiting and waiting for his truck. Or simply pull out the "last" wait, 'cause three seems so awkward.
"Listening to his indie rock trash because I threw away my punk pop CD's

When they said, ‘Love is like a roller coaster’ they
meant that you’ll be scared the whole time,
and you’ll feel sick afterwards.

They said #FF0080 ">Seems like this should be "meant"that you won’t be an individual anymore,
like you like it. They said you’ll be a part of something else.
One two headed person, dependent on each other.

TheJennaRaiton wrote:He’s turned me into a typical girl.

I used to like jazz, and I used to love poetry. Ironic? So you're doing what you hate, and that is ment to show what? You don't want to be happy?
I enjoyed mini-vans, and I adored cartoons and cereal. Why does this matter? I don't really think it does, you're describing how you once were, which is unimportent. Drop this entire stanza.

I loved it when his clothes didn’t fit. Didn't fit? So you gained weight, again what good is mentioning this?

Now I wait by the phone for his call. Drop the now, and continue onward, waiting boringly for that call.
I sit on the curb and cry and wait and wait and wait for his truck. What? Where's the transition? You should pick a topic and use it. You're currently all over the place. Find a direcion.
I listen to his indie rock trash, and I threw away my punk pop CD’s. This is terribly boring. There's nothing to infer and there's nothing to figure out. Try using more similes and metaphors to describe these things. Saying something like: I sit on the curb, like tears from the clouds. I am sure you can see what's real there. And still, you're describing how you were. No one cares. You should be saying what happened, describing how it happened. And letting us see what is different in you. Write a poem, don't tell me about a poem.
I don’t fill my goggles with water that isn’t from the pool. This line is useless.
I do not hold myself so loosely anymore. How? In what ways do you hold yourself more tightly, as strange as that sounds. What is it like? Make relations and comparasons to things that we all can understand. Poems are somewhat like essays, everything needs to back up your main idea. How does stating how you were, back up how you are now and how this reltionship has affected you? It doesn't.

When they said, ‘Love is like a roller coaster’ they
meant that you’ll be scared the whole time, I like this a bit more. Only because you've used this well. Use more similies like this and elaborate on it. But still be more descrete about it, all this direct description is extremely boring. And I still have no idea what you're getting at.
and you’ll feel sick afterwards. Not only rollar coasts can make you want to throw up.

They said that you won’t be an individual anymore, Whose they? Why do they matter? And when did this switch from first person to third person? If you want to do that, try quoatation marks.
like you like it. They said you’ll be a part of something else. Like you like it? Like what?
One two headed person, dependent on each other. You don't need to say it's dependent on eachother, if you have two heads, it's pretty easy to reason that both are probably needed.

They said I’m a typical girl now.

OhMiGod! I really really really liked this. I found the images great, and I found it so relatable and deep, on an unpretentious and real level. The only line which gave me pause was the sentence about the goggles and the pool, it just didn't seem to fit. Maybe talk more about becoming a "typical girl"? You could put that last line first, or in the beginning of the poem... it might help set the stage.

I like it, It feels very personal. Hopefully it isn't from your experience though