Every second I have to sniffle to breathe,
which might be annoying to both myself and others,
but what can I do, stop breathing?
My nose is so stuffed, 'just blow your nose and it won't be.'
they tell me, well excuse you that isn't how it works.
The fever is the worst, always both cold and hot,
I constantly feel like my feet are in a freezer,
and breathing in feels tough, like there is an anvil on my chest.
My voice is hoarse and nasal, I have to repeat everything I say,
which hurts my throat even more. I don't like tea otherwise,
and eve though I know it's the best thing for me right now,
I have to say no to that disgusting leaf water.
All of this makes me wonder why I don't appreciate my life more when I'm healthy,
because right now, I'd do anything to be able to breathe properly
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,798 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
The beginning was so sassy, I love it. "Excuse you"
I love how a lot of your poems seem to be so unique. Talent, dear. That's what you've got. (This is not a review because I previously mentioned that I can't review poetry. Whoops. Plus, it looks like you got a sizeable about of help already!)
I don't think I've ever seen a poem about a cold before. Kudos for your originality.
I agree that the flow is off. Changing the length of the lines may help. Generally, I think that shorter lines flow better. Try this...
I have to sniffle to breathe,
annoying myself and others,
but what else can I do, stop breathing?
They don't all have to be the same length. Here it's 7 syllables, 8 syllables, then 9 syllables. Poems often repeat the syllable count, so the next line would be 7, then 8, then 9.
Another way to alter flow would be to rearrange words or split a line into two.
Breathing in feels tough,
like there is an anvil on my chest.
I think splitting lines like this will help particularly in the second half of the poem.
As I said, the topic is interesting and unusual for a poem. I'm sure readers will appreciate it because we've all gone through it. The flow just needs to read a little better.
Hi!
The sass in this is clear and strong! It's great to see a unique voice in poetry! Also I hope you feel better.
The only spelling error is that "even" is missing it's "n" in line 11. The word "nasal" sounds a bit off, possibly changing to the adjective version "nasally"?
My only other critique is to add a period at the end of your work. You've had punctuation throughout the rest of the work, so I feel that you should continue it all the way to the end. Also the reader will feel closure and not that the poem runs on and on.
Other than that, great job!
As I have said before, I am on a mobile device while writing this and it's very difficult to change such things because just tapping on that one spot doesn't necessarily mean that it chooses that spot, rather than choosing a line five lines up.
Thanks, I hope that this cold will be over soon as well :/
That's fine. This is a review for a device you can properly type on. Once you have access to that, feel free to consider my suggestions.
Yo! Alvarin here for a quick (short) review.
I think everyone can relate to that poem, and I get anxious just from reading it. It describes all the aspects of being sick, and it does it well, and you have a very important point at then end. We really should appreciate our lives more, especially when we're healthy. I like the poem. It's easy to relate to, it's clear, it's slightly amusing and it's to the point. I do have to comment on the flow though. I'm not sure if I simply couldn't find the right rhythm to read it in, but I didn't think it had a good flow, so maybe you should try to read it out loud and change it a bit so that you can read it in an at least somewhat clear rhythm. So, work on that and it'll be perfect
I understand that the rhytm was a bit 'off-beat', but I found that it fit the theme of the poem. I often find myself uneven and unfocused during times of sickness, and also when I was writing this poem I was basically half asleep so there is that. I am not changing it because I find that it fits the theme well according to me. (also I am on a mobile device more than often and editing or even just writing on websites is difficult with it.)
Also sorry that you got anxious from reading this, it ws just a way of letting some anger out
heres a penguin for you troubles (^>^)