Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Her mind was consumed with pain.
Pain, in the form of rage and fire. Pain, shrieking through her head, tearing through her memories. Pain, lusting for their blood, their heart.
Her heart was empty as it was dead.
A cold, black lump of charcoal, devoid of feeling.
Her dreams dripped with blood and death.
Rivers of blood flowed from her fingers as her nails dug into a beating heart, black as night, her lips spread in a terrible smile.
Her eyes were dead, no spark or light in their depths.
The smile vanished as she watched her world crumble around her, her eyes filling with laughter and tears.
Her laughter had faded over the months of torture.
Salty tears, streamed into her smiling mouth, mixing with the blood on her face.
She was gone.
Something had broken inside her for the last time.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
First of all, I just want to say this is a great poem, whether you read the regular lines separately and the italicized lines separately or you read it all as one. You were detailed, the imagery was haunting and vivid and so were you last two lines. It almost sounded like the poem was about two different girls instead of the same girl with deeper meaning. But there is just one line you can fix.
"Salty tears, streaming into smiling mouth..." You could either say "Salty tears streaming into a smiling mouth," because you are using present tense in this line. Or you could say "Salty tears streamed into her smiling mouth," because you used past tense in all the other italicized lines.
Either than that the poem in great.
Thank you!
Hello there QueenAnne! The Silent Bagpipe here to review some of you work.
Ok first off let me just say that I liked this poem. It was strange and cool, different from the rest of everyone else's poems. Most poems, yes, are about depression pain or happiness ect. But yours was a different kind of poem about pain... I don't know why but it was just unique. Great job with that tho *thumbs up*
Grammatical wise - I don't think you needed to put the words in italics. It was okay to, but I think you'd get the full affect if they weren't. That's just a suggestion though so do whatever you want. The italics were fine also.
Anyways, I don't have anything else for you.
Keep writing, and feel free to tag me if you post more stuff.
~The Silent Bagpipe
The italics give you a story of their own
And thank you for the review!
ok, sorry =)
QueenAnne
I like this poem, actually. Which is a surprise for me, because I'm usually more for happy/lovey/reminiscent poetry.
I like the short abruptness of some of the imagery, and the quality of the imagery itself!
I feel like some of the italicized lines are out of place, not in context, but the fact that they are italicized.
Other than that, I feel like this poem is pretty great, and while there is some room for editing, I feel that you have something special.
Keep writing!
nadair
Thanks for the review
Try reading the italicised lines by themselves; my placement might make more sense.