Like all dramatic fairytales, the king was dying. He had no heir to the throne, so in his last hour it was time to choose his successor. The illness had come so quickly that there was no time to set up a contest of sorts, so he was left alone in his bedchambers with his faithful friend and servant. His friend was not much younger than the king and had little life left to live as well.
The servant sat next to the king on his bed and tried to soothe him in his last minutes. The king kept trying to say the name of his successor, but coughing kept interrupting him. Finally he managed to croak out his request. “The next heir… to the… throne is… Paul Abby.” The king finally finished his statement and breathed his last breath, resting his eyes for the last time on his friend.
A silent tear slid down the servant’s face as he mourned his friend and king. Unfortunately, the servant was quite hard of hearing at this point, and hadn’t hear the king correctly when he stated his successor’s name. Paul Abby made quite a lot of sense as his heir, as he was a noble who was very capable of taking over the kingdom properly. The servant had to hope for the best now, since the king was dead and there was no repeating anything. He then gathered himself and went to break the news to the kingdom and name the heir the king had chosen. Or the heir the servant thought the king had chosen.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, King Cory has let out his last breath and is with us no more. Let us mourn for him in a moment of silence.” The announcer stood on the highest balcony of the castle, overlooking all the gathered kingdom. The king’s friend stood next to him. As the kingdom bowed their heads in respect for their king, he shuffled up to the announcer and whispered the name of the new ruler. The announcer paled slightly and whispered back, “Are you sure, Lester?”
Lester whispered back, quite loudly as he was pretty much deaf, “Yes, my master Vincent,” and shuffled back to his seat.
Vincent turned to the crowd, who were now looking up expectantly, and took a deep breath. “My fellow citizens, it is now time to name the new ruler of our humble kingdom. We were unfortunate to not be able to set up a contest for the most eligible one, but the king did name his successor before his untimely death. Will Paula Berry please come forward? The king has named you as his successor.” The crowd gasped slightly and then settled into confused whispering.
A small orphan girl, about 12 years old, shuffled out of the crowd. She was quite small for her age and was clothed in rags. She was dirty and held a small ragged doll in her hand. She looked up at Vincent with liquid brown eyes that matched her long, wispy brown hair. Her voice came out as a soft, soothing whisper, and said, “Here I am.”
Vincent looked down at her with surprise. “You are Paula Berry?” The girl nodded. Vincent appeared speechless for a moment and then shook himself out of it. “Well, fellow citizens, please welcome your new ruler, Queen Paula!” Paula turned around to face the kingdom, her eyes glittering with fear and hope. Somehow, she had become queen in a minute, and she was determined to be better than everyone expected her to be, even after she had heard the correct name of the next ruler pass from the king’s lips. She knew she was nothing but a mishearing, but she was determined to be better than one.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey, TheBlueCat! How's it going?
I feel as though you could have been a little more creative with this line: 'he breathed his last breath'. Maybe he exhaled one last time, or let out a finale gasp of air?
I have two points here. a) I feel like the first sentence, 'A silent tear slid down the servant's face as he mourned his friend and king.' is a little tell-y. It's a given that he'll be mourning, so maybe have him start to cry, and maybe he takes the king's hand or put his face into his hands?
and then b) the second part also feels a little exposition-y. I'm not quite sure how you could change this exactly, but something about the transition from 'servant mourning' to 'oh he can't really hear' is a little sudden to me, and feels kind of clunky? Like I said, I'm not sure how you could change this to be better, but I feel like you could have revealed his hearing challenge in a different way?
Again, 'as he was pretty much deaf' isn't necessary here. We already know that he's hard of heading, so you can just say he says it loudly without needing to explain it.
I think you can remove the second 'was' to make this sentence flow better.
-By everyone's reaction to finding out who the King named as a successor, why is Vincent surprised when he sees her? Like I said, he already seems to know who she is, why should actually seeing her surprise him? Wary, maybe, or unsure, but surprise seems like the wrong emotion (unless he didn't know who she was, in that case, maybe change the reactions to her name?)
I'd like to see the way the kingdom reacts to this announcement, since you left that out and focused solely on how Paula felt. Which is fine! I like her determination, but does the kingdom have no reaction to this?
As awesome as this is, how does Paula know for sure that she was just a mishearing? That seems like a stretch for her to just know this was why she was chosen.
-Criticism aside, this is a really cool idea! I love the idea of the mishearing and naming an accidental ruler. And Paula! <3 She seems like a really cool character, just from the little slice we get to see. Her determination is awesome, though her thoughts feel a little lax for the situation. I know you describe her eyes as 'glittering with fear and hope.' but otherwise, she seems pretty nonchalant about the whole situation. I hope that made some sort of sense.
That's all I've got for you today! I hope something in there is helpful to you
I hope you have a lovely day!
Thank you! c:
Hey @TheBlueCat! Thanks for participating in the challenge!
It's quite funny because fairytales are right down my street. So I really enjoyed a lot of this! It was a fun concept, and I loved that even though it's a disaster it has a sort of triumphant ending with the young girl ready to take charge and be the queen!
I think my main problem is that I felt like there wasn't enough of a stretch of plot, the first three paragraphs were about hearing the King and the last three about making the announcement. Think about all the pomp and ceremony that must go on in between times! I just thought it would be fun to watch as the incorrect name gets further and further, inscribed into manuscripts and sent to all the town criers etc etc. Even an extra paragraph in between times could make your kingdom seem much bigger than just the gaggle of villagers come to the steps of the palace, and it would enrich your setting so much.
Overall this was fun and original and congratulations on writing outside your comfort zone!
Stella x
Thank you! Yeah, as you can clearly see, I'm so bad at shortening plots xD It was totally outside my comfort zone and probably never going to be revised haha Still glad I managed one thing outside my comfort zone!
Hey there! barefoot here to review your short story.
I really enjoyed the story and found it fun and thought-provoking. I particularly liked thinking about the kind of changes Paula Berry might make, and how her position would change her as well. Excellent premise for a story!
I'm honestly not sure in what stage of development this piece is. Please let me know if you care to! Is it as a stand-alone completed work? Is it as an idea that might be expanded? However the case may be, I like it.
Advice:
1. Remember that dialogue always goes on a new line. So press enter before you type those quotation marks.
2.
This part is a little jumbled in terms of tense, and it has a bit of repetition. This below version sorts out the tense issue:
It doesn't address the repetition. I leave that to you.
I love that hint of satire you threw in with the intro. Very tasty!
Keep writing!
barefoot
Thank you! c: It was an attempt of a shorter work, but all my ideas are lengthy and it honestly would do great as a longer piece. It technically is a stand alone piece that is completed, though. Glad you liked it!
Hello there!
Minor errors I noticed:
You missed a "to" after "next".
I'm sorry if I missed any.
Now, before I move on to the story, I would just like to mention how much I love this particular line:
Made me cackle for a while.
-
I like the story. I like the idea of misidentification through miscommunication and I like where you left us hanging: is it really misidentification? Paula Berry could very well be a better-suited heir to the throne than Paul Abby. I urge you to do more than just leave it a short story. In fact, this little piece seems like a great beginning to what could easily unfold into a wonderful story. I think a short story does not do its plot justice after all the idea of a short story is to condense as much information as one can into as many little words as possible. What you have here is something that could be expanded much beyond what you have done here.
I like your writing style. It is borderline satirical. The sentences are well constructed and very easy to extract meaning from.
Great job. I hope you continue.
Cheers!
Thank you! c:
I love the idea of the story.
It reminds me of the game Telephone, which just shows how many things can be misinterpreted from one person to the next, either for the better or for the worse.
Thanks! Yeah, I guess it is sort of like that haha c: