z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Attributes of Life

by ThatOneGuy2002


Change is like the autumn breeze. 

Whispering the cold truths and mysteries, 

ceaslessly through the trees, 

coming ever full circle

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Time charges ever on, 

days fall like leaves with the wind, 

one may be able to grasp one in his reach,

but the seasons never cease to transcend.

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Replaced with memories, 

of which a wise man may learn, 

to become more than he ever could be, 

a title which humans seldom earn.

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But more than this is the realization of truth, 

the actions of one are anything but aloof, 

affecting the present and future at once, 

a reincarnation of the past actions and a reconstruction of the memories that came from them.

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Life is like a misunderstood child, 

taken granted by those ever in search of more,

for those who avoid meaning it grows ever wild,

for those in search of reason it shows the one true door.

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Wisdom is like a freindly old man, 

heard by those who can lend an ear, 

never to be understood by those who though they can,

all the wrong things they fear.

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Faith, like a forge, will purify and make strong, 

built into the handles of those gathered close, 

those in whom were true all along, 

will stand out from the decietful nature of most.

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Courage is like the lions roar, 

challenging the evil that corrupts this world,

rising up to the heights of which falcons soar,

people who gain it never fold.

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True judgment is like the excaliber,

those who weild it carry the hallowed truth, 

their eyes are not pulled away by the fault in their neighbor,

their decsision, by far, exceeds a fools roof.

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Love is like a metal link, 

bonding that is not broken with ease,

except, this is a bond that in water wont sink,

nor in the ice will it freeze.

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These are together what sets apart,

the items that one gains throughout their lifetime, 

they are the paints that make the art, 

one of which the colors never fade.

             

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278 Reviews

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Reviews: 278

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Sun Dec 02, 2018 4:02 pm
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Hey there, Little's here for a review! It's been a while, really...
Starting off, I enjoy the topic. I also got this really unexplainable but nice feeling when reading the poem. It's a well made piece of work!
However, there are a few errors and poorly constructed parts, so I'm obliged to point them out.

In one of the stanzas, you forgot to add an apostrophe ( the words concerned are "lions roar" - it ought to have been "lion's roar"). This is a simple mistake, but a noticeable one, so be careful. There are other places where you missed apostrophes as well. Apostrophes are used when something belongs to something else; for example, a raven's feather. You can't say ravens feather and mean the same thing.
The rhyme scheme is really off in some of the stanzas. I'm sure you know the strained parts, so hasten to repair the damage!
And something you need to understand: this rhyme scheme is holding you back a great deal. Many sentences are feeble and sound poor. Don't use a rhyme just for the sake of doing so.
To be totally honest, I don't agree with Firespygirl. The extra long line, while fitting into the TOPIC well, isn't snug in the stanza, and doesn't roll of the tongue.

Spelling error: it's " wield", not "weild". And " friendly", not freindly. And it's spelled "decision".
Maybe you should remove the commas. They break good sentences into fragments and inhibit your writing to an extent.
I think starting each line with a capital letter would be pleasant on both the eye and the readers of this poem.

Besides that, there are quite a few spelling mistakes ( it's Excalibur, not excaliber ) and errors in basic grammar... For example, you should start nouns with a capital letter. This is important.
This poem needs to be worked on, but it's pretty good. I like how you've explained each attribute, all in a cheerful and positive manner. Writing about life is tough, bit you've managed pretty well!
The last stanza is really well written, and I enjoyed reading it. I love the comparison between the attributes and paints, as well as life and art. This really is a marvelously written poem!
~ Lee






Thanks alot for the review! It could be a while until I look into corrections tho, I have alot going on rn



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162 Reviews

Points: 1865
Reviews: 162

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Tue Nov 20, 2018 3:36 pm
FireSpyGirl wrote a review...



Hi there!
This is an amazing poem!
The one really long line actually fits in really well, without breaking the rhythm up all that much. That is hard to do, at least for me, so good job! I don't have anything to point out, so this isn't going to be a great review. Sorry for that!
Again, really good, keep up the amazing work! I wouldn't change this poem at all.






Thanks for the reveiw, glad you liked it




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