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Beautiful Pain Chapter 7.

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Chapter Seven: Hadley

“You are going home with Joshin. He is gonna drive you home when you get discharged.” Papi said before he walked outta the door.

I sigh, and grab my sneakers off of the floor.

The door opens up again as I slip the first one on my foot, and start tying the laces.

It’s Joshin. His hair looks as screwed up.

“What happened to you?” I say.

But he ignores me, walking over to the window, and looks out it. “I think that he likes you.”

“Who?” I continue lacing up my sneaker.

“Storm.”

“Uhh...no. I have literally said only twenty words to him and vice versa.” I stand up, and walk over to the door. “Are you comin’?”

He walks over to where I am standing and moves to open the door.

He doesn't say anything to me until we get to the truck.

“You know what?” His voice sounds stranggled, like what he is about to say is strangling him, keeping him from saying it.

“What?” I close my door and buckle up, waiting for him to talk to me.

“I…” He tightens his grin on the steering wheel.

“Oh my god, Joshin, just spit it out.”

“Nevermind.” He starts the truck, and pulls outta the lot.

All the way to my house, I think about what he could have wanted to say, and I come up point blank.

When, Joshin turns off the truck in my driveway, he says nothing, just glares out the front windshield.

“If you are not going to tell me, then don't. But if you are, then, tell me. It’s now or never, Joshin.” I say, turning to my irritating best friend.

“Fine.” He says, as he opens his door, and hops out.

“Where are you going?” I ask, opening my door and hoping out, too.

“C’mon. Come with me.” He says, walking to the barn.

I do as he said, walking slowly behind him, a little scared at what he is going to do.

As I walk in the door of the barn, I gasp at it all.

There are lights strung everywhere. There are a few dozen people from school, and a few of my neighbors.

“Welcome home, Hadley!” the six year old Grayson twins yell as they both run up and give me a hug around the legs.

“Thank you, Max. Thank you, Fox.” I laugh as I hug them back.

Fox grins at me, his bright red hair falling into his large blue eyes.

Max giggles, covering his mouth with his hands, and his brown eyes light up.

Carmean Diazanna, my neighbor who I don't really know, is even there. She is smiling a huge smile, her black pixie hair hangs around her face, making her look like a doll. “Welcome home, weirdo.”

Then, I see Meagan.

“Meagan!!” I yell, and I run across the barn to my other best friend.

“You are such an idiot.” She puts a hand on her hip, and uses the other to shove the black weave outta her face. “What were you thinking, getting on that old horse??”

I look at the ground. “Donno.”

This is typical Meagan Daughtry. She sugarcoats naught a thing. She is so honest that at times, it can be cruel. But that is what I love about her.

Meagan’s perfect caramel skin does not have a single thing of acne on it, which is not fair at all.

“Meagan. How come you didn't come to see me? The one day I was in the hospital.”

“I just got back in town remember?” She looks at me like I am crazy. “And what are you wearing?”

I look at my scruffy jeans, my Cons, and my Falling Forward t shirt. “What’s wrong with this?”

“This is a party, Had.” She reaches out and takes my hand. “Party girl will be right back.”

As we leave the barn, Meagan winks at Joshin, who is leaned up against the doors.

Comments & reviews · 4
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NoName Review
NoName wrote a review · Thu May 03, 2018 5:57 pm

Hi thatgeekygirl,

I really loved the way you ended first four chapters with a twist. I would like to state again that length of your chapters are too short. You ought to increase ‘em. I really liked the story so far. The story seems pretty straight forward though. I think that the whole story could have been set up in a better way but it’s okay.

About the character “Storm”; you should provide more information about him and develop this character a little more. You have written seven chapters, and yet we don’t know much about Storm.
All we know that he is a rock star, a little background information would be great.

Hadley is great. I loved the way you set this character up and Papi is great too. I am still confused why Papi didn’t tell Hadley about his brother, I hope you will provide a reason in upcoming chapters.

Sometimes it seems like you got a lot of characters and you are not been able to juggle ‘em properly.

I would suggest killing some of them especially Papi. It would add a nice texture to story. He already seems very old so give him a heart attack or something.

Overall I really liked the idea of writing a story about an ordinary not so famous girl and a rock star.

The name of your characters are too much similar to real life characters, you should spend a little more time while deciding names for your characters. You should really search online for names that’s what I do.

One quick question. Are you writing this yourself or it's a collaboration 'cause I sense a little difference in writing styles.

In case you need any help on setting up a story or if you get stuck and couldn't move any story forward feel free to message me.

Okay. Thank you this is some really good information. And I have a whole thing of secrets up my sleeve of what is going to happen in the near future.

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Shady
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Shady wrote a review · Sun Apr 29, 2018 11:14 pm

Hey ThatGeekyGirl,

Shady here with a review for you this lovely Review Day! Let's get started rescuing this chapter from the Green Room!

“You are going home with Joshin. He is gonna drive you home when you get discharged.” Papi said before he walked outta the door.


Ehh, you can get away with colloquialisms when you write dialogue, so things like "gotta" and "outta" are okay, especially if it shows something about the character speaking. But when you're writing I wouldn't recommend it -- I'd change the "outta" here to "out of" to make it more proper.

You do this several other places in this chapter as well. I won't point out every single instance that I notice but my advice remains the same. You can get away with limited usage in dialogue but it doesn't belong in prose.


I sigh, and grab my sneakers off of the floor.

The door opens up again as I slip the first one on my foot, and start tying the laces.


Both of these commas are misplaced. A comma is supposed to show a pause and neither of these places need a pause. Do you usually hesitate before slipping on shoes and then tying them? Probably not. No need for your character to, either.


“You know what?” His voice sounds stranggled, like what he is about to say is strangling him, keeping him from saying it.


1. You misspelled "strangled" there's only one g not two.
2. Using strangled then strangling in the same sentence doesn't flow well. Find another word to use. Maybe "strained" for the sound of his voice or "choked" on the words that wouldn't come out?

“I…” He tightens his grin on the steering wheel.


Typo. Grip not grin.

When, Joshin turns off the truck in my driveway, he says nothing, just glares out the front windshield.


This is another case of misused commas. You don't need the first two -- the last one is perfectly sufficient for this sentence. "When Joshin turns off the truck in my driveway he says nothing, just glares out the front windshield" flows much better than how it's written now.

~ ~ ~

Okay! I think this was a pretty decent chapter. We have things happening -- coming home from the hospital with a surprise party. Great!

The only thing is that this seems a bit... rushed? Like you don't bother going into describing the setting at all in places, and when you do describe it kinda feels like you're rushing through it. This chapter had an exhausting amount of dialogue, with very little to help ground us so we can get an idea of the setting where it's all happening.

Good news is that since it's so short, you've got tons of room to play around with it! I'd suggest you try slowing it down a bit and exploring thoughts and feelings while all this is happening, in addition to describing the physical setting a bit better.

Hope this helped!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

Hi, me again.

Your story so far is really good. Try making your chapters a bit longer. And add backstory. What about Jade? It is sort of weird that he isn't at his sister's party. You mentioned how you knew Carmean Diazanna, but not how you know the twins.
Overall, enjoyed it and looking forward to Chapter 8.

-Prachi

Thank you very much!!

Posted the same review twice by mistake. Don't know how to delete it. Just ignore.

Ohh lol i do that all the time...



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