@danni88 @neptune @scarlettvee
Chapter Two: Storm
“Storm, are you almost done in there?” A voice yells from the current world.
“Umm.. yeah, I just got lost in thought. Give me a sec.” I look at my outfit, my dark jeans, and guns and roses tee.
“Okay. You have… uhh like twenty seconds, Storm.” The messenger says.
“Okay, Bernard.” I roll my eyes, as I open the door and walk to the main interview area of the studio building, Musaic.
“I am here with Storm Black, of Stormy Roses.” The interview woman, Briana, says. “Hello, Storm.”
“Hello, Briana.” I take a seat on the couch. “How many questions do you have for me today?”
“Only a few, I am afraid.” She turns the page of the packet of papers, labeled STORMY ROSES INTERVIEWS.
“Okay. Fire away, redhead.” I grin at my poor excuse of an attempt at a joke.
“Okay. Most of these are based around the girls than you date and why you date them, okay?” She looks me in the eye as she does so.
“Okay.”
“I remember that you dated JuliatRimms around christmas last year. Am I correct?”
“Yes.” I say, thinking of the worst Christmas of my existence.
“What happened to you guys? The press though than you were super fab together.” She flips her hair with the long red nails.
“Well, she was just not the one for me.” I say, thinking back.
“The one for you? What do you mean?” She looks more interested now that I said that.
“Yes. She was just interested in my money, and the fame that she got while she was with me.”
“So what do you think to get from a relationship?”
“I don't really know,to be honest. For one, the girl has to have a sense of humor, and I don't want someone who will just sit and soak in the fame, and glory. I want someone who is easy going.”
After a few more nagging questions, I am finally able to leave and go home, to my empty house, thinking of a dream girl.
Blonde hair, shoulder length. Bright turquoise eyes. And a smile that lights up the sky at night. That is how I see her. The only her.
End of chapter
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140,522 Literary Works • 673,294 Reviews
Hi thatgeekygirl,
I thought i would drop the review after reading all chapters of this novel but I couldn't stop myself when I read “I remember that you dated JuliatRimms around christmas last year".
First things first I’ve been shipping Andy and Juliet from the day they started dating so to even the thought that they would ever breakup is almost heartbreaking. I’m guessing it’s based on Andy from BVB. I just can’t take it no matter how remotely your line hints about their breakup even though it’s fiction.
I really don’t understand why you didn’t use the original name of the artist and the band I would have used ‘em but this is your story. Maybe You would want to kill storm on his 27th birthday. That would be nice, just a thought. Like I said it’s your story.
I have only read couple of chapters but I can tell the story is going to be great as long as it is based on what I really think it’s really based on.
Your chapters are kind of short as much as know under 1000 words is kind of sort at least for a novel. I didn’t count the number of word’s in first chapter but in this you have written 367 words that's definitely low.
About the grammar mistakes, I had lot of ‘em in my first story but for my second I started using LibreOffice. It’s completely free and an awesome word processor functions are almost same as MS Office. In some aspects LibreOffice is better than MS office in my opinion.
I will leave my full review on your novel after I finish reading all seven chapters.
Thank you.
Hi thatgeekygirl,
me again. Lets skip the grammar mistakes. Nice work. I like the way you have changed from Hadley's point of view to storm's for the second chapter. I think it was kind of short so maybe try to increase the length of your next chapters. Overall its really good.
Good work.
Thank you
Hey! Danni here for a review!
@scarlettvee has covered all my grammar nitpicks, but you could improve
by making it into
That would sound a lot better.
Also, when Briana is talking about JuliatRimms maybe add some more of Storm's personal feelings. Is it a painful memory? Does he find it funny? We don't really know much about it.
I'm also not sure how "Fire away, redhead" can be considered a joke. It's not really that funny if someone has red hair, is it?
That's it for now! Keep up the good work!
Dan
Hello, I am back! I really liked the first chapter, so I mean, why not continue?
Anyway, I really liked this chapter but I do feel you could probably add more descriptions to it. Maybe tell us more about where Storm is, cause I thought he was about to go on stage for a concert, and was just doing a quick interview beforehand, but that clearly wasn't correct, so perhaps you could give us just a little bit more background information. Also, near the end of the story, it becomes mostly dialogue between Storm and the lady interviewing him. I would advise maybe trying to add more descriptions maybe of Storm's previous girlfriend or perhaps the people walking around and near him, if there are any.
That's all the general corrections I have. Here are the more specific grammar corrections:
I'm not sure what you mean by "from the current world." I would advise maybe you change this to "the other side of the door" or something similar.
There should be a comma at the end of both these lines of dialogue rather than a period.
Did he purposefully say her name wrong or was this a typo?
Again, there should be a comma here rather than a period
Once again, I really liked this chapter and I love the setup that your giving for a relationship between Storm and Hadley (I'm pretty sure that's what you're doing anyway.) This is great setup so far, and I am really excited to see where you go with this! Keep up the good work!
Until next time,
K.S. Valentine
The interviewees name is Briana, because she is based on an interviewer in real life, Brian Stars. So that is why i spelled it like that.
Storm Black is based on Andy Black.
And thank you.
In Storm's dialogue though, he said "hello Biana" with no 'R' in her name
OHhh okay. Thanks for pointing that out. Lol. i feel so stupid now.
Haha, you're fine. Typos happen all the time! XD
More often than not with me.
Honestly, same. The only reason I don't have as many typos as I should is because of Word
Ohh okay. I use google docs, and the dictionary thing is messed up on my computer.