I wake up to the sound of buzzing in my ear. My phone is ringing.
“What!?” I yell into my phone when I answer it.
“Bro, I need some help.” Asher says, sounding panicked.
“Ughh. What is it?” I crawl outta bed, and get my black jeans outta the floor.
“My father died yesterday, and my little sister is missing.” He says, as I hear the door ring. “I am at the door, so let me in.”
“Seriously? It's eight in the morning, Ash!” I yell at the door.
“Boo hoo. You should not have stayed up all night, writing, dude” I hear him yell back, as he opens the door.
“Shut up, Ash.” I yell back as I pull my pants up and march out of the bedroom.
“Soo… wanna come with me back to Hicksville to bury my father, and help find my sister?” He is standing in the foyer, hands stuffed in his pockets, his shaggy hair in a mess.
“Ughhh…. Do i have to?” I whine like he did when I had to drag him around.
“Please. I went to all those stupid places than Juliat dragged you to, and you dragged me. So just do this one thing for me. I never meet my sister.”
“Fine. How old is your sister?”
“She is around seventeen, or eighteen.” Asher says.
“Okayy.” I drag out the ‘y’ sound.
“We leave later today, so get your ass dressed, and packed.” He puts his hands on his hips.
“Whatever, boss. You known, I should really make you my manager, instead of Winston, because you boss me more than he does.” I say, walking back into my room, and dig in my dresser for my clothes for the trip, and grab my suitcase from the huge closet in my room.
Hours later we land in the small town of someplace in New York, and we are walking across the dirt driveway, to i don't even know where.
People are not even bothering to hustle. The majority are staring at me and Asher, the guys who are wearing all black, skinny jeans, and have tattoos covering most of our skin.
“Eww. Look at all the grass!” I exclaim. “And the dirt. Aren't we in New York?”
“Dude, it's called earth.” Asher says, putting a hand on my shoulder. “And yes, we are in the state of New York, not the city, dingus.”
I throw my hand up, and give him the bird, “What gave that away?”
He just rolls his eyes, and grabs his bag. “Come on. We have to look for a tall man with a cane.”
Just as he says that, a voice from across the lot yells. “Jude!”
“Did he just call you ‘Jude’? You're middle name?”
“Yes.” Asher drops his back and starts running to the old man.
“Ash!” I go to yell at him to get his bag, but he is already across the lot, embracing the elderly man, who looks as fragile as can be.
I reach down and grab his bag from the ground, and walk to the two of them.
“Did they find her?” Ash says as I walk up behind them, and the old robin’s egg blue ford, which looks like it's about to fall apart, by the way.
“No. And your Mother’s old horse is missing as well. But she didn't take anything with her, so I don't think than she would have ran away.” The elderly man looks over and sees me standing there. “Why hello. I am Alexandre Gunn. Asher, and Hadley’s grandfather. You can call me Axe, if you want to.” He holds out an old wrinkly hand in my direction.
“Storm. Storm Black.” I smile, as I shake his hand. “Who’s missing?”
“My granddaughter. Hadley. She left last night, i am guessing, and i haven’t seen her since.” He rubs his forehead worrisomely.
“Papi.” A voice says from behind the man, and i see a brown head of hair showing over his shoulder.
“Yes, Joshin?”Alexandre turns, with a hopeful tone in his voice. “Did you find her?”
“No, sir. But we found a horse in the woods. It looks like Padre.” Joshin runs both hands down his face.
He looks around my age, but like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.
“Where is he?” Alexandre looks around the lot.
“Oh, Papi.” Asher reaches out a hand, and puts it on Alexandre's shoulder.
I look at the ground, and scuff at the dirt with the toe of my sneakers, feeling as thought I should not be here.
I should be in Cincinnati, at my condo, eating a burrito, or at DD’s place, snapping his drum sticks in half.
“The horse…. Uh… looks as though it was attacked by a cougar.” Joshin also reaches out a hand. “We did not find Hadley.”
Alexandre sobs into his fist. “Not her too.”
I slowly walk to the bed of the ford, and toss the bags in the back, which makes a loud bang, not what I wanted.
They all three look over at the same time, and raise their eyebrows.
“I was setting me and Asher’s bags in the back. My hand was going to sleep.” I feel myself turn red.
Alexandre turns back to Joshin, “Where all haven't you checked?”
“The Farmer’s fields, The creek beds, Dark Wood, Abandon city street. Those are the main places than we haven't looked yet.” Joshin looks at me, and Ash. “Now we have more help. Right?”
“Yes.” Me and Ash both say at the exact same time.
“Asher, you can get the Farmer’s field. And Storm, you can get the creek beds.” Alexandre explains. “I can't hobble around out there. Now let's get home, so I can get you guys settled in quickly.”
“We can help right away.” I say. “Or at least I can.”
“Great.” Joshin says, smiling. “You can ride with me, I can get you to the creek beds, to look.”
“ ‘kay.” I say, as I walk over by him.
“See yah.” He waves to Alexandre and Asher, turning, and walking over to a newer Ford F-150. “Hop in.”
Ten minutes later, we are parked on the side of a road, that sits beside a small creek.
“Here.” He hands me a light. “I’ll go this way.” He points to the left. “You go that way.” Then, to the right.
“Okay.” I hop outta the truck, and head to the creek bed.
Sticks. Sticks. Rocks. Rocks. Log? Yep, that's a log.
I continue down the path for a few more minutes, looking from the glittering blue water, to the big moss covered oak trees.
I hear a splash in the water, so I look up.
Just a deer, a doe, looking at me with her big brown eyes, before she turns and gallops off into the woods.
I watch her go, then I see what she was standing by.
There is a lump laying on the ground by where she stood.
It’s a body. A girl’s body.
I run closer to her, and fall to my knees, and put my finger under her jaw, searching for a pulse.
It comes as a steady thump...thump...thump thump…
I sigh, as I feel the life against my fingertips. “Thank God.”
I look at her, her long blonde hair strung around her, her full, bluish lips.
Then, I see the blood going down her face, and the rock that her head rests on.
I kick myself for taking so long, as I yell, “I found her!”
I put the light in my pocket, and lift the girl up, one arm under her knees, and the other wrapped around her shoulders.
Then, I jog back to the truck. Joshin runs up as soon as I get there. “Hurry!” He yells, “Just hop in the back.”
End of chapter
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hi again,
I love your creativity. There are grammar mistakes again but I would rather skip that. I really like the whole typical superstar behavior of Storm. Some stories keep their main characters really nice and flawless and I like that you decided to make Storm a jerk. I think you should add as to how Asher and Hadley's grandfather look. Hadley is the only character whose looks are described.
for example,
“Boo hoo. You should not have stayed up all night, writing, dude” I hear him yell back, as he opens the door.
after this line, maybe add something like, a (tall/short) boy with (add hair color) hair entered my room.
this is not meant to offend you and just ignore this advise if you don't like it.
Thank you
Please feel free to ignore my advice it is not intended to hurt you or offend you, make your story seem bad, or demine it that said . . .
1. What I liked
I like the personality you gave Storm Black. He truly seems like a rock star. I also loved the narration and the hooker at the ending. I think you handled that aspect really well.
2. Plot and & Dialogue
No offense but, you could have done a better job honestly building up to your ending. All this story seems to be is your characters talking. There is not out right story it seems. Also maybe more descriptions of where he is or his thoughts at least. Something to break up the dialogue. Just a thought.
3. Word usage
One thing. I know it's the way Storm talks however I think repeated usage of outta is not needed. Just a thought here
4. Drafting
The way you drafted your ending seems needless. I story doesn't need constant breaks in between lines, it will be fine as one paragraph.
5. Overall and Encouragment
Excellent job otherwise! You have good characters that leave an impression. I loved it. Keep up the good work! I hope you finsih this!
Thank you! I am not offended at all! I am happy that you gave some honest information. This is good advice.
Your welcome. Of course this was honest information, sometimes what is wrong with something doesn't need to be hidden. (Just read warrior cats to find that out). I'm glad it helped.