Hello, ThatGeekyGirl. I am here to provide you a review in honor of Review Day. Let’s get started, shall we?
Note: I have not read the previous chapters so this review will be based on this chapter alone. Hope that it’s okay.
Okay, even though this chapter is just mostly dialogue, I am unsure of how I should feel about the interaction between Hadley and the other characters. It seemed a lot just happened at once, like rushed? Maybe you can work on slowing down the story? It went from one transition to another in a matter of seconds. I usually like reading stories with a little more detail into it, but since this is mostly dialogue, I don’t have much to say about this chapter as of the plot and character development.
There are a lot of grammar errors in this chapter that i will not mention because there are more than a few. Maybe go back and reread your work. Also, your use of adjectives are okay, but some are not needed in certain areas.
Who is that?? I try unsuccessfully to open my eyes.
This does not make sense to me. Maybe it’s the wording that’s throwing it off. I think you need to revise this, making the wording a little better.
“Go get him.”I boss.
No need to add the words ‘ I boss ‘ since she already gave an assertiveness in the dialogue already.
“You are about to if you don't get off your ass and go get my best friend right now. Because you we be flying out than window.”I point to the window, deadly serious.
You can reword that a bit better. Maybe something like: ‘ dialogue dialogue ‘ I stated as I pointed out to the window.
Overall, this chapter alone needs some work done. I enjoyed the dialogue between the characters, and I loved the personality in their voices but the wording and adjectives used in certain places… it makes the chapter a bit dull. It has potential, I can say that for sure. I am not saying your work is bad, but there’s always room to improve, so take this as a suggestion, not as harsh criticism. Keep up the great work. Keep writing and enjoy the rest of your day.
- Kanome
Points: 11482
Reviews: 351
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