I laugh as I leave the room, because that girl has some nerves.
Spunk. Attitude. Whoo even her blue eyes had attitude. The expression in them got me.
I guess I can call that a New York welcome.
What she was saying was summed up to “Thanks for saving my life. Now skat, Rockstar.”
That's a first.
I see a pack of teenage girls standing in the hallway. All of them have long brown hair with a slight blonde ombre at the tips of it.
As I walk past them, I hear them giggle.
I stop as I get to the end of the hall, and make a wide U turn, and I walk back down the hall, pass them again, and walk over to the vending machine at the end of the hall.
I put in a dollar, and I just simply get a pack of gum, and while I wait for it to vend, I feel a tap on my shoulder.
I turn and see one of the girls standing there. “Hello.”
“Hey.” She grins, flirtatiously. “I am Zephrina.”
“Storm.” I wink at her.
Her big brown eyes light up, and she smiles, her lip gloss coated lips widening. “I’ve heard of you. You sing in that band.”
“Yup.” I open a stick of gum, and shove it into my mouth.
“So what are you doing here?” She asks, her voice raising to a soprano two.
“With a friend. And his family.” I wipe my face with the back of my hand. “His father died. And sister went missing.”
“Wow. Ohh… I think I know what girl you are talking about. Hadley Gunn, right?” She puts her hand on her hip. “Yeah. There were posters everywhere. Wait…. You said she has a brother?”
“I did.” I internally hit myself for speaking to much. I am such an effing idiot!
“What's his name?” She puts a fingernail on the front of my shirt, distracting me into giving her the answers she wants.
And me being who I am, it works. “Jude.”’
“Your guitar player?” Her eyes widen dramatically.
“Mhhm. What do you say about going out sometime?”
She puts her hot pink fingernail to her bottom lip, and mock thinks. “Yeah, sure.” She hands me a card with a number on it. “Call me later.”
Then, she runs back to her group who all squeal.
“Bro. What are you doing?” I hear a voice say, as a hand lands on my shoulders.
I spin around, and am face to face with Asher.
He is looking over my shoulder at the group of girls. “What are you doing? Or let me rephrase that . What do you think that you are doing?”
“Nuthin’. Just making their day.” I grin, mischievously.
“Well stop.” He rubs a hand down his face, and I see the stacks under his eyes, lack of sleep.
“Bro, you need you sleep.” I say, “Where is Alexandre?”
“He’s in the room talking to Hadley.”
“Ohh. Wow. She must be a handful.” I grin, thinking back to what she said, wanna see pigs fly??
“Why do you say that?” Joshin says as he comes up behind Asher.
“You only heard a fraction of what she has said.” I say, looking at the boy. “And where can Asher and I crash?”
“You will have to ask Papi.” He replies, eyeing me with slight hatred in his eyes.
“Ask me what?” Alexandre step into the hallway.
“Where me and him are gonna stay.” Asher pipes up. “And how is Hadley doin’?”
“She gets to come home.” Alexandre’s face brightens. “And you two can stay at our house on the outside of town.”
“Ohh… Isn't there a hotel where we can stay?” I pull out my phone, and type in the number on the card that the girl gave me.
“No. This is a very small town, boy.”
“Ohhh. Wow.” I say, as I hit send on the message that I sent her.
Zaphrina??
“Yes. Now, I could you take you guys home, and Joshin can bring Hadley home.” Alexandre steps forward, holding tightly to his cane.
“Okay.” We all three say at the same time.
Joshin rolls his eyes, and I believe that I was the one to see it.
I already know it, that we are really not going to like one another.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello, ThatGeekyGirl. I am here to provide you a review in honor of Review Day. Let’s get started, shall we?
Note: I did read chapter five of your novel, so I will be able to provide more insight for you about your novel. Hope that’s alright.
From what I am understanding is that Storm and his band are going to a small town somewhere? It is a bit confusing onto what is going on, then again, I might have to read the other chapters to complete understand the storyline so I deeply apologize. Again, mostly dialogue in this chapter, but you did input some more detail into this chapter than the previous. The dialogue between the characters are simplistic and realistic, just your normal everyday conversations. Wish there was more into the story than just dialogue because it does get a bit dull after a while.
The issues I have with this chapter or I guess the story so far is that since it is just mostly dialogue, it gets kind of dull just to have characters talk. If you show a little more action, a little more imagery and detail, you can make your readers stay hooked into it. Another issue I have is that there grammar errors that need to be fixed. There are many, so be sure read over your work for revising before you publish your final polish.
Overall, this story needs work. It does have potential and dialogue itself does help explore the characters’ personalities extensively but too much dialogue can make the story dull. It will make a reader fall out, lose interest. Be sure to look over your work before publishing. There are grammar errors that can be easily fixed. Keep up the great work. Keep writing and enjoy the rest of your day.
- Kanome
Hi. Prachi again
The grammar mistakes have decreased a lot compared to your previous chapters.
I think you should increase the length of this chapter. Usually, it helps to end a chapter at a twist. In this way readers come back to read your next chapters and are hooked up to your story. Just a thought.
Overall, amazing work and waiting for next chapters.
Thank you.