When Price Jen’li became king, he banished the races that he thought were dangerous. The vampires, said to be bloodthirsty demons, were exiled, along with the dwarves, to stupid and vulgar for culture, and the half-elves, who can be extremely mischievous and manipulative. Only the elves, who were to powerful to control and were part of their own kingdom, and the humans, who King Jen’li said were of ‘clean-blood’, were free from danger.
This is the story of me, Nova. I’m an urchin, and I’m a half-elf, which makes me a double outcast. My life isn’t all that exciting, so I don’t know why you’d want to read about it, but hey, humor me.
As I ran through the streets of Pelganthia, an ocean of rain fell on my back. The city guard was only twenty feet behind me, his iron armor virtually silent for the mud that covered it. Lanterns lit the entire area, leaving nowhere for me to hide. I let my hand touch the wet, rough brick wall to my right, feeling for a crack, an alley, anything.
Soon my hand fell to air. I ran down the alleyway until I ran into the damp wall in front of me. It was a dead end I hadn’t mapped out in my mind yet, and the guard was just turning into the alley. I slunk into the farthest corner possible, where no light shone. He smiled as he said, “I got you, urchin. If you come out, I promise I won’t hurt you.”
Yeah? Well what are you going to do? I thought as he neared me. You aren’t as sweet as your trying to seem, and I’m not dumb.
“Come on, girl, I don’t want to cause trouble,” he said, only ten feet away.
Yes you do. I’ve heard this a million times. You want to ruin my life. I looked around for anything to defend myself with. There was only the poorly made wall and they dark sky above.
“Don’t try anything,” his voice now showed his cold intentions. He had me trapped.
Lacking any other options, I turned to the twenty-foot wall and started climbing, using the holes of fallen bricks to pull myself up. The rain poured on top of me, acting like a headwind and blinding me with water. I heard the guard below me scream every curse word in the dwarfish language -- which took quite some time considering the dwarves ‘flavorful’ vocabulary -- as he ran to catch my ankle. I was on the slippery roof of the building by the time he made it to the bottom. As I tried not to laugh at this iron monkey jumping for a treat, a voice issued out from the street.
“Ral! Did you catch the urchin?” It was a strong voice, but just as cold as Rals.
“She climbed the wall like a… like a… like a lizard before I could reach her.” His scowl made me glad I escaped his grasp. It showed hatred, evil, everything a normal person would fear. I was too hardened by the cruelties of being alone and an outcast to fear him.
“Do you… do you think she was a… a salamander?” His voice quavered as he called out to Ral. He thinks I’m a fire sprite in disguise! I can work with that. I let out a cackle. Much to my joy, they both jumped. It only made me laugh – or in this case, cackle -- harder.
“It was!! Get out of my way!!!!”
Ral slipped in a mud puddle he hadn’t noticed before as he tried to shove past his companion. A few passerby’s stopped to stare at the spectacle. Just to scare them as much as they had me, I raised my voice to sound like a hags.
“Fools! You dare to chase me! I’ll make you suffer for what you have done! ”
Ral was crawling in place due to the mud and screaming like a baby. His companion was nowhere in sight. I gave another cackle to hide my laughing.
“Wh-wh-what are – are you going to d-do to m-m-m-me??”
“I shall burn your home to the ground!” Finally… I thought. Sweet revenge… “Unless… you stop harming urchins and outcasts!”
“Anything!!”
“Be gone from my sight, pig.”
And finally, he left. I let out one last cackle-laugh before thinking Ha! Superstitions are so easy to manipulate. I’d have a sure meal every day if they all were like that. I ran across the rooftops, slipping and almost falling off at one point. Lightning struck the place I had been only moments ago.
…The next day…
The marketplace was crowded, noisy, and above all dangerous. A perfect place for an outcast to get a meal. As I browsed the vendors, trying to decide what I wanted to eat today, I saw a little bronze hand mirror. Never before had I really looked at myself. I gazed at my reflection, noting that I wasn’t as hideous as the cell masters said; in fact, I thought I was beautiful. My brown hair was shoulder length from the last time I cut and traded it for a meal, my eyes a rich amber, like fresh sap. I had a few freckles on my cheeks, dull lips, and thought myself prettier than was said of the empress. I smiled, proud of my appearance.
A low rumble came from my stomach, controlling my hand as I swiped a bun from beside the mirror. As I weaved through the crowd for nothing, because no one had noticed, the picture of myself etched into my mind.
Fifteen years old… they only guessed I was five at the orphanage, but half-elves barely age faster than pure elves. Who knows how old I was? I look older than that, feel older, like I’ve learned more. Maybe I’m nineteen… like there’s any difference there. Oh, what does age matter, anyways? By now I had climbed the trellis on the side of the inn, leading to my favorite rooftop. As I climbed I turned my head to see the vendor noticing a roll missing from the stack. I giggled as I reached the top. Laying down in the shade I started to eat my roll, seeing the bright blue sky peeking from behind a few clouds, still gray from yesterdays storm.
After finishing my roll I went to go and find some dessert from one of the many vendors. Someday I’ll make something of myself, but for now, I’ll settle for getting fruit…
If anything is confusing, cliche or poorly written, please tell me.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hey! Btw I didn't think the mirror thing was an over used idea at all! And i smiled when you put Nova was biting her toenails. Your MC was full of life and i could totally tell that throughout the book she'd get more and more real i really liked it!
Hellio! I'm Storm_Bringer out to do my daily reviews!
This story is very action packed, kind of reminds me of Eragon with the darwfs, elves, and such, hidden in their own lands and very mysterious. Your character, Nova sounds very smart and she seems like she likes to take advantages of people and her surrondings. The last part with the stealing food from a market vendor was very much like Alladin... At least i think so. Okay, to the reviewing.
"When Price Jen’li became king, he banished the races that he thought were dangerous." Okay, this is fine but if they (the other races) are so dangerous do they just go without a fight or anything?
"Dwarves, to stupid and vulgar for culture," Too instead of to.
"Half-elves, who can be extremely mischievous and manipulative." The who can part seems out of place grammer-wise. Though that might just be me. Maybe you can change it to who were extremely instead.
"Only the elves, who were to powerful to control" Too instead of to.
"It was a dead end I hadn’t mapped out in my mind yet," It was a dead end that i hadn't mapped out in my mind yet.
"I heard the guard below me scream every curse word in the dwarfish language -- which took quite some time considering the dwarves ‘flavorful’ vocabulary -- as he ran to catch my ankle." Okay in the beginning you said that dawfs were exiled so why are they speaking dwarf if he is a human?
"It showed hatred, evil, everything a normal person would fear." It showed hatred and evil, everything a normal person would fear.
"A few passerby’s stopped to stare at the spectacle." If this is an alley and dead end why would there be passerbys?
Overall:
I liked it very much, not very often you see a girl fighting of guards and stealing food as a main character.
Hope all my reveiwing helped!
-Storm_Bringer
If you don't like first person stories, then look somewhere else. This whole book will be in first person, and past tense. Live with it.
Have a nice day!
This was all right for the start. I think next time maybe you should keep from speaking about your character in the first person unless you introduce special traits to us through dialogue with someone else or something. The beginning where you explained what the character was exactly was good, but it sounded forced. So maybe there's a way you can rewrite that sometime down the road so that it comes across easier.
Otherwise, it wasn't a bad start.
Thank you all who have helped me! I have edited this a bunch of times, and it is so much better than before
Thanks again!
All critiques welcome? Count me in!
Nothing particularly wrong with the intro, but I noticed that you haven't mentioned elves in here while you have mentioned half-elves. What is the elves' fate?
"Street lamps" makes me think that it's more modern, when it's not. Replace with "hanging lanterns" or something for more accuressy.
This doesn't fit with my image of elves being good at seeing in the dark. Replace "felt" with some other verb to clear that up.
Put these two lines on the same line. Not all paragraphs with dialogue need to start with dialogue.
Loose the caps-lock here. When emphasizing a word in thoughts, you un-italasize it.
"Below" and "bellow" are very close. Replace "bellow" with another ajective.
Lose the quotes around Ral.
1- Put the dialogue after the first line, putting Ral's actions on a new line. 2- Loose the caps-lock. If you're going to emphasise something, use italics.
Overboard on the italics now. You've said she's raised her voice; that's enough. That goes for everything blow in the text too.
I'd find a way to work the info about the guard in earlier. If she's never forgotten him then you can do that. And the first line is not something I'd imagine a street-urchin thinking.
I'd replace the comma after "dangerous" with a period and delete "making it" for more irony.
Hmm, I don't find this cliche, but I do find it rather.... flat. Give us a little more about how she feels seeing the beautiful girl.
This is the only line I find rather confusing. Mostly it's the term "orphanage mother." It made me think that was her actual mother's guess which makes no sense. Another thing that confuses me is the age. Shouldn't she age faster then pure elves?
Atmosphere- Okay. After you describe something once (and the first time you do it rather well) you don't mention what things look like again. How do the bricks feel when saturated with water? Is the noise of the rain hitting the roof quiet or deafening? Does she have to weave through people to get to her rooftop? Just add a touch more description to make this really shine.
Dialogue- To avoid confusion, I'd keep the actions and words of one person in one paragraph, then let the next person have their own paragraph and so on. It makes thing less confusing.
Overall- I liked this! The beginning is a real hook, your MC's character is pretty well defined, and you have some really nice description.
If you have any more questions, don't hesitate to PM me. Also, please let me know when more is up!
Thank you, beckiw and Amon360, for your critiques.
. If you or anyone else still thinks it stinks (hey, a rhyme!), please let me know.
beckiw: Thanks for pointing out a few things that did seem unclear. I would like to know more about what was confusing to you, so that maybe I can fix it. Now that I look at it, I can see what you mean about the dialogue. I'll fix that. Thanks for being such a loyal reader!
Amon360: I tried to fix up the mirror thing, because I didn't know it was a cliche
I love reviews and critiques, they let me improve my writing! All's welcome!
Most of the time I hate first person stories, but your character has so much life that it's good, and I'd like to read more. I'm torn on the revelation o how she looks. First off I think it's interesting character development to have her never seen her reflection, but it is one of the oldest tricks in the book. I think it works you took a overused idea and made it your own.
Hey Texan Writer
This was much better!
I liked how the guards were introduced. It wasn't like ta-da guards! You got more of a sense of who they are and what they are like. I also got the feeling that, for Nova, running from guards wasn't a new thing. That this is part of her life and I liked that.
All I would say is work on your dialogue. Some of it seemed quite awkward and out of place.
Also the way you phrase things sometimes is odd. I end up having to re-read to understand what you mean, like -
Lacking any other option, I jumped onto the twenty-foot wall
at this point I actually thought that Nova had jumped on top of the wall. It wasn't till you added details about her climbing up the wall that I realised lol. Maybe you could say something like 'Lacking any other option, I turned to the wall and began to climb' or something like that.
“I burn your home to the ground!” probably should be "I'll burn your home to the ground!"
[i]
I grew bored and began biting my toenails. Did you mean finger nails? Because toenails is quite gross! lol But maybe that is what you intended it to be
I Liked the device you used to describe how she looked. The mirror, I thought that was cool
Overall this is much much better. I loved how I got more of a sense of Nova and how she lives day to day. I always like it in stories when you see normal day life before the event happens that changes the world of the main characters. In this chapter compared to the last one, you seem much less like your rushing to get into the exciting action packed parts, which is good
PM me when the next chapter is up and also if you need any help!