Please read the first chapter of Crystal Stars before you read this one, if you haven’t already. Thank you.
I sat on the city wall watching the pink and blue sunset, listening to the mocking birds and autumn breeze go past my ears. The smell of the bakers’ fresh buns filled the air. Everything felt as perfect as it would ever get. Suddenly, through all the peace, an eerie feeling overtook the air. Looking down, I saw a dwarf staring at me. He was dressed in rags, and looked to be comparing me to a chart. I stuck my tongue out at him and slid down to the ground inside the walls. Trying to get the memory out of my head seemed impossible, as over the next few nights, all I could think about was the dwarf.
It made me nervous, someone stalking me. I knew that was what he was doing, but what was with the chart? Did I have a bounty on my head? Was he going to show up soon with a few guards and shackles? I grew more and more worried with each night. One sleepless night passed. Two. Three. Each one brought more worries and fears. I grew so distracted that I almost spent one of those nights in the dungeon. I told myself repeatedly to forget about him, that if he were going to do something it would have been done by now. I was still waiting.
Eventually, after a few days and no sign of the dwarf, I calmed down a little. My old attitude came back, letting me dodge guards and find food as easily as before. One sunny day everything felt fine. I leaned on a wall from which I could watch the whole street. A few noblemen passed, their noses turned up and wearing smug faces. Beggars were at their feet, empty hands in he air. What a dishonorable way to make a living I thought munching on a carrot I had gotten. Mostly there were commoners and merchants just trying to survive in this world.
I giggled when I realized how lucky I was to be free. Free from the king, free from the limits of the law, free from the hands of the guards. With the grin trademark to the half-elves on my face, I took one last look at the crowd. There was the dwarf, battle-clad, right in the busiest street in the city. I blinked a few times, not believing that he was there. And he was an outcast. My being an outcast didn’t matter, I could look like any human if I so chose, but a dwarf… you could always tell what he or she was.
He started to walk towards me. The last thing I wanted was for him to come over. There was no telling what he would do. Me being a few heads taller didn’t make me any less cautious of the fierce race. They would slaughter the king in his sleep for what he had done to them if they were even allowed in the city. Which I supposed was the reason they weren’t allowed. He neared me, no one else seeming to notice him. I looked around for a quick escape if the need should come. Nothing. Once he reached me, he spoke in a deep voice, his bright red beard moving slightly as he did.
“My master has requested of me to bring you to him.”
“Yeah?” I asked, ready to jump over the short man and run. “You can tell him that I respond to no one. Bye.”
“He told me to bring you to him,” said the dwarf as he raised his battle-axe. “And I shall do as he asks.”
His breath smelled like garlic and rotten eggs. It was so powerful that I wouldn’t have minded to pass out, then and there. It didn’t surprise me that he stood firm. Dwarves were stubborn. And I was quick witted.
“How much of me are you supposed to bring?” I asked putting on an innocent smile. “All of me, or a simple scrap of clothing?”
“He didn’t say, but I don’t suppose you would part with you head.” He was just as quick. I’d have to be careful.
“No, I rather like my head where it is now,” I said, learning we were a true match for each other. “But you can have a lock of my hair instead, you know, in case you need a reference.”
A few strands of hair couldn’t tell you anything, I thought. He pulled out an electrum dagger and cut off about an inch long lock of my hair. When I looked at what was in his hand, I nearly jumped back in surprise. My hand went straight to my shoulder length hair, pulling it into sight.
“Blue?! You turned my hair blue!!” I screamed. He was as calm as anyone could be. My hair was light blue, like the sky on a sunny day.
“The affects are only temporary,” he said, his nimble fingers quickly weaving the short strands into one long thread. “In the mean time, you will come with me.”
The thread magically went to around my neck several times. When it tightened I desperately tried to pull it off, but to no prevail. Sinking to my knees I gasped,
“What are you doing? What kind of magic is this??”
“One of the finer kinds,” he replied while watching me struggle. “You willingly gave me your hair. And I did what I wished with it. You are the only one who it will harm.”
I could feel my face turn purple, surely a sight against my hair. None of that mattered at the time. As my vision went fuzzy, all I could think about was how stupid I had been to give a stranger something. That was the last thing that happened before I blacked out.
>Later<
My eyes fluttered open. My neck was sore, my face was still flushed, and all I could think about was What happened? Nothing came back. I had really fainted. Looking around the room, nothing made sense at all. The gray marble floor sparkled in the sunlight that came through and open stone window. I was in a castle tower. The sheets of my bed were made of clean silk, the unfamiliar texture feeling scratchy on my bare ankles. I was in a fresh white dress, my old tunic and pants washed, folded and placed on a bench in a far corner. A sickening feeling went through my empty stomach. I hadn’t undressed myself in my sleep. I got up to look out the window, the floor being ice cold under my bare feet. I wore long sleeves that went to my knuckles, hidden by gravity in the bed.
When I looked out the window, I immediately recognized the landscape. There were fields in the distance, and when I looked down, I could easily see the street I had been when the dwarf attacked me. Lord Elwynne, the only of the Marden that was allowed in the kingdom, overlooked the city from this castle. Elwynne’s father had been so loyal to King Han’li, Jen’lis father, that the new king had made Elwynne his second in command. Only a pardon from the king would allow such an un-pure race. The same sense of defiance that created the Marden, a rare occurrence where each of your grandparents are of a different race, created their untrustworthy nature. The king feared that trait even more than the half-elves mischievous one. I marveled at my being here, a feeling of amazment for Lord Elwynnes accomplishments in spite of his being a Marden filled the air. As I stood there a woman in a pink gown walked in.
“Oh! Your awake!” she said surprised. “I’m sure your wondering why you’re here.”
I looked at her and nodded.
“Well, you see…”
-<+>-
Your going to have to wait until the next chapter to see!!!
Dictionary:
Nova (noe-vah)
Elwynne (el-win)
Jen’li (jen-lee)
If anything is confusing, cilche or poorly written, please let me know. Thank you my readers!
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Canary word: Present
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Thanks for the reviews! I will try to work on the said things.
And Rosey, Electrum is a real metal, a mix of gold and silver.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electrum
Though I should probably explain that... thanks!
Hey Texan
I am now going to have a look at chapter 3!
Finally here to look over some more of your story, been busy with university work/reading of late.
You have definitely listened to what reviewers said and have slowed it down considerably, which I like. You could perhaps stand to even add in a few more scenes but I like it
I love the new emphasis on her thoughts, I definitely am getting a sense of who Nova is now and I really liked the interaction between her and the dwarf. I'm glad you added in more of him because last time he didn't appear very long.
Not quite sure what a Marden is, like Rosey. Your description was a little bit difficult to grasp but Rosey also tells me that it is explained further in the next chapter.
I didn't like the dialogue "I'm sure your wondering why you're here" It seemed a little forced to me. Perhaps she can just ask Nova to come with her, with little explanation.
I like how Elwynne is being kept back for later chapters. It makes him more mysterious. I also like your change from a vampire. I think it makes it more believable and there are less unoriginal races to keep track of.
Good job
PM me if you have any questions
Bex x
Hiya! Glad to see this is edited!
I don't really understand this explanation of what a "Marden" is. I'm thinking that they're total mutts of all the other races?
So, some overall things:
Only put one question mark and/or exclamation mark per piece of dialogue.
Make sure you read your work out-loud or after a month to catch any stray commas.
Prison: I like what you've done with that. You've made it more obvious as to why she doesn't want to be there, and I'm sure more will come!
Electrum: You still haven't told us what it is. It's better now that you've made it into a dagger, but still. I hope we will get more description later!
Overall- I love the edits and glad you took previous comments into consideration. Definetly let me know when more is up!
~Rosey
Yay! I'm glad your continuing
I get the whole not wanting to write moods. It happens to me a lot lol
Sorry for have taken so long to edit this! I am going a completly different path this time. I'll be writing the third chapter soon, if anyone still wants it. I was just in a "anti-novel" mood alot lately. Sorry!
Hey Texan Writer
But I liked that line it made me warm to Nova a little bit more.
You could keep his purple eyes then.
Sorry it took me so long to review. I have had a gazillion hand ins at university. But now I have a week off yipee! lol
Well I wasn't sure whether to wait until you edited this chapter but I thought I might put a quick review in
I agree with other reviewers it does seem a touch rushed. You seem always to want to get to the exciting parts and leave out the sort of mundane parts that in stories are usually placed between the exciting parts. Perhaps mundane is the wrong word but parts that give you more of a sense of the characters and the place that they are in.
My favourite part was the sarcastic line! In my view there aren't enough sarcastic characters in stories. My boyfriend, when I was younger, used to say that I would make almost every character sarcastic
I liked the introduction of her magical powers it is nice and subtle but the whole bit with the fire sort of confused me. One moment she was gazing a the king then the next moment there was fire and she was running lol
Good job though, I sort of like how Lord Jarreth/Elwynne was kind of mysterious, I like mysterious men
Ooh and I wanted to know more about the dwarf, perhaps he will pop up again later and be Nova's friend! lol
Now about this vampire thing. I'm sort of glad you are going to change it, for some reason I think vampires don't really fit in this sort of fantasy story. Now what to make him....When I am looking for a type of fantasy creature I usually look in my encyclopedia. However a lot of the time I like to make up species. It's more fun and you don't have to stick to someone else's outlines
Dear Readers,
Bladomar, I'll try somthing different with him. In fact, this'll probably change the whole second half of the chapter! Thanks for the review!
Thank you for reviewing. I will try to fix everything and be a little more specific.
DestinyIsCalling:
Thank you for the over-all review! You didn't read the first chapter, did you? It tells you all about Nova, including her age. I'll try to slow things down, but wish me luck.
RoseyUnicorn:
Wow, so many mistakes I didn't even realize! I AM going to go slower and be much more descriptive when I edit this. And I like your new way of reviewing! Very helpful. I would love to hear from you again, either in my third chapter of after I edit this, if you have the time. And Lord Jarreth.. Ummm, ha ha, funny story, *cough*, see when I was thinking of names, I wrote the story then found something wrong with the name so changed it to Elwynne. Sorry!
I will try to ease in the characters more and take longer (lol!). I have a new thing in mind for this story, and all I ask is one thing:
I'm going to get rid of the vampires, but, what race should I put in their stead? I ask you to include your opinion in your review. Thank you all!
Great. Vampires. I seriously dislike them, and, I'm sorry, but if they're a good character in here then I won't continue to review.
*Edit* A feline race of some sort might fit. Or a full blood elf.
So, I'm trying out a new style of critiquing. Hope you like it!
Nit picks-
I'd put this: "Again, I ran away."
A serious case of talking heads here. Talking heads is when you simply put people speaking and don't put any tags. Not only can it be confusing to keep track of who's talking, but we also loose all sense of what is going on. What is your MC's vision like? How is she reacting to the ale? How is the dwarf responding? Answering those questions can help you come up with nice tags for your dialogue.
I do however like what you've done with the slurred speech. Usually it's hard to read, but this is not only easy to read but believable.
"Tried" implies that she couldn't. Since you've shown us that she can, replace "tried" with "forced myself."
It's winter? You haven't really shown us that anywhere else. In reality I thought it was spring. Put more indication it's winter earlier on in the story. Like in the opening scene say the rain is freezing. When she's sleeping outside, have her comment that it's cold out or she should work on finding shelter.
Watch out for switching tenses. These lines could be read as present tense, when your story is in past tense.
Who is Lord Jarreth? You haven't mentioned him before.
Put a tag with this dialogue so we're sure of who's talking. Since the paragraph above is your MC's actions, some people might think she's saying it.
This line I found rather confusing. Mostly it's the "in my thoughts" that throws me. I think this could be expanded a little to show more of the courtyard. Then we understand how she lost track of where she was going.
I'm assuming this is a fabric you made up. Could you please describe it? It would be nice to know just how rare this fabric is or how beautiful it looks.
This description could be nixed since you've mentioned nothing but the king in the paragraph above.
Description- You're missing it when the character is talking. Put some action tags to show what the characters are doing, or even add sentences that show how your character sees things. In the scene where she's drunk you could really stand to do this. It would draw readers into the story, and make us wonder what's going to happen. As it is, I didn't feel any sort of emotion when she blacked out. I had to pull myself out of the story to keep track of who's talking, and it was hard to realize she was close to passing out.
Discovery- You're doing a pretty good job of introducing the character's magic slowly, which is what you want since she doesn't know about it herself. We're starting to realize she's special, but we're not quite sure how. And we're not left so confused that we stop reading. Nice work!
Rushing- I felt this very rushed. You're giving a play-by-play of important events, but sometimes we need some unimportant ones just so everything can sink in. Have her almost get caught by a guard because she's thinking about that dwarf. Give us some more of her thoughts on what she's feeling about him. Is she totally creeped out? Curious? Simply distracted? It would really help us learn about your character by putting in a handful (or even a couple) more scenes.
Overall- I would either read this aloud to catch any strange wording and tense switches or, if you don't want people to hear you, not look at it for a month and proofread then. You're on a nice track with this next chapter.
If you have any questions about this review, feel free to PM me.
~Rosey
I'm terrible at grammar so forget it.
Hi! I love your story! It's very vivid, clear, precise, descriptive...
Only a couple of things:
1. Um, how old is Nova? Is she old enough to be drinking? Not to be realistic-but to make a contrast. If she's twelve, its more shocking than if she's sixteen.
2. Baldomar...we need to know why Nova ran away from him! Our impression is that he is a tyrant, becuase Nova runs away from him, even though he is kind to her race.
3. This happens to me all the time: I speed things up. We're ALL eager to get on with our story, but try to make it a bit long, slower.
OTHER THAN THAT, awesome! A work of written art!
PS: Your names are to die for. I am a big supporter of names that you can't every find in a baby book or that you create of the bat. Don't ask me why, I just DO!