Cold-Blooded Kill
Rated PG-13 for detailed gore.
As I ran through the darkened wood
A feeling crept through me.
I didn’t feel as I knew I should.
There was something in the tree.
My fears were not relieved
No matter what I said.
I don’t think I really believed
That a panther lay there, dead.
His eyes were open, green as leaves
His mouth was full of blood.
Horror stung me like a swarm of bees,
When I heard a dagger thud.
It sat there on the forest floor,
The blade was stained with red.
I knew his killer was at deaths door
But poaching’s illegal, or so I read.
It doesn’t matter if it’s against the law.
You should never have to do such.
A life was taken, and that is all.
I cannot really say much.
A beautiful glow came from behind me,
And tears had stained my face.
The panthers ghost sat in the opposite tree,
Looking like the wind, or lace.
It growled in a friendly way
To show me it was happy.
Describing it, I cannot say…
But this tale should not sound sappy.
He wouldn’t want your pity and sorrow.
He was a majestic creature, ‘tis true.
And so, as I start to see tomorrow,
I bid you all adieu.
My friend’s dad once killed a panther, and this is sort of how I felt. I only saw the skin, never any of the stuff I made up here.
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Hello.
I think that this is a lovely topic to write about. Rather than just human mishaps you know? So for that, this already has great potential. I think that the words you used were simple and alright but since you made this poem rhyme, it has to be in a way that this flows well. The rhymes were forced in some stanzas, almost as if you added just a random end to a line to make it rhyme with the second. This may not be true but that's how it sounds if you force the rhyme in. Anyway, it'll help to read your poem aloud and see if it sounds flow-y...
And again, lovely theme here and also everything was vivid, which is something I really love about poetry.
Hey TexanWriter!
(I must admit, I was originally drawn to this poem by your name; I was born in Austin and lived the first six years of my life there.)
I like this a lot. Great topic, to begin with, and wonderful imagery. I especially loved this stanza:
The first line sounds so wild and powerful, and I can picture the panther stretching and delighting in his liberty. Then the second line shatters all of that with another powerful image. Great stuff. I love that you hit us with images and real stuff about the panther, rather than abstract blah about the nature of life and death and how killing is always wrong, etc.
I also liked the idea that while poaching is illegal, it shouldn't matter, you just shouldn't be doing it anyway. Something about the way you said it... made it seem very clearcut somehow. Anyway, I liked that.
The rhymes sometimes sound a little unnatural, it's true, but they're not so bad. I thought this poem could benefit from being a little more compact. I also really didn't like the line "But this tale should not sound sappy." You have to be careful when you move the reader outside of the poem, and the narrator out of the events taking place. I don't think that line really belonged.
Great job on this. You should "try out" poetry more often! I'd love to read more by you. Keep it up.
-BFg
Thank you for the critique. Poems aren't really my thing, so this was just a try-it-out kind of thing
Thanks again!
This poem has the potential to be really great. I don't mean any offense at all by this, but just from reading it through once, I think it would be best without... maybe the last three stanzas? It's okay to make your poem have a message {as in the stanza where you say poaching is illegal, and you should never do that kind of thing}, but I think if you overwork it, it will lose its potency. I mean, the first part of the poem was so vivid and eloquent, but I got really turned off with the last three stanzas, especially the part about the ghost of the panther. That is, however, only my opinion and if you are happy with the way the poem is as it is now, then don't feel obligated to change it. ^_^
Now, here are a few comments on the poem!
The rhythm of the this line is a bit messed up, and though it's rather less descriptive, I think the word 'fear' would fit better than 'horror'. ^_^
Hmmm, to me this line reads that the person that killed the panther is about to die. o_O; Which doesn't make sense, unless he's dropping the panther off there? Hahaha. Also, I think you might want to find a better rhyme, because 'or so I read' sort of takes credibility away from the narrator and removes him/her from the whole story.
I'm not going to comment on the last three stanzas because I really don't like them as part of the poem. Work on it some more, but this is a great start and good concept! ^_^