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Young Writers Society



Crystal Stars, Chapter 3: Seventh Daughter

by TexanWriter


Note to readers: PLEASE read my other chapters FIRST, and IN ORDER. I have made a slight alteration to the second chapter. Thank you!

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“You see,” the lady in pink said as she sat down on the bed. “You are a very special girl.”

I chuckled. The only way I was special was that I could avoid guards better than anyone else.

“Oh, you may not know it yet,” she continued. “But you’re parents gave you a very wonderful thing.”

“Yeah?” I asked as I turned to her, my arm still resting on the windowsill. “And just what is that?”

“Six older sisters,” answered the woman, a smile taking her lips. “And six aunts on your mother’s side, all older than she. You, to put it plainly, are the seventh daughter of a seventh daughter.”

That was when I burst out laughing. Folklore was folklore, no matter how hard you tried to make it come true. If I really was the seventh daughter of a seventh daughter, which was very unlikely, then according to legend I was supposed to have special abilities and powerful magic. Those abilities hadn’t come, and I was pretty sure they never would. And besides, the fable wasn’t real. It was just like saying that there were Griffins under your bed.

“Okay, then I come from a large family,” I said to her, still laughing slightly. “So? That’s just a coincidence. It doesn’t mean anything.”

The woman looked at her hands folded on her lap. I could tell she was hiding something… but who cared? I was hiding quite a few things. Most recently: four silver pieces. When the woman looked up, darkness seemed to fill the air… and then it did for real. The shadows of hideous monsters crept on the walls; Sir Winter, the sprite of the season, came and blew through the room. I felt alone.

“It means everything, girl,” the woman said. Her dress had changed color from pink to black. I gulped and took a step back. “I was just like you; headstrong, witty, and I knew how to bend men to my will. I was the seventh daughter of a seventh daughter. My abilities came slowly, and by the time they did come I had no need for them. There was no war, no fights, and no vigilantes. Nothing.

“I lived my whole life not knowing what to do. I could make your worst fear appear before you at a single word, or have darkness haunt you forever. Yet I couldn’t do anything to help others. Everyone thought I was a witch, ready to curse him or her or harm someone at a moments notice. I was more scared then anyone.

“I don’t want you to feel that,” she said, the shadows dying down and her dress changing color once again. She stood up and looked at me. “No one should have to. You will gain your abilities soon enough. They have already started to show themselves. Master Elwynne has sought you out so that you may help him in the revolt against the king.”

My eyes went wide when she said this. A revolt? That was as good as suicide. The king had fifty thousand troops keeping the non-humans in line. And his most trusted servant, Lord Elwynne, the Marden, was leading the revolt. It was insanity.

“I’m sorry, I thought you just asked me to kill myself,” I said sarcastically to the woman. “I will not be a part of such a grand murder plan.”

“Then I’m afraid I must resort to persuasion,” she said with a sigh. “You have until tomorrow morning. If you do not agree to help us, my master has a decree to kill any half-elf found in the city. Good day, Nova.”

As she left the room, I could hear her bolt the door behind her. I couldn’t stay here, awaiting my death at Lord Elwynne’s hands or a soldier’s. The window was too narrow to escape from. So much information! She had given me everything that I never even knew existed: my parents, my sisters, my past… even my future.

Countless questions ran through my mind, destroying any hopes of sleep that night. How did she know my name? How did she know my family? What else could she tell me about them? Where are they? When was I to get my abilities? How could she be sure I even had abilities? Why in the world would the great Lord Elwynne want me, an orphaned half-elf, whose best skill is outthinking dwarves and stealing food?

I was hopeless, for whichever path I chose I would most surely die. I was scared, because I was merely a pawn in this game, and others would move me and capture me like I was nothing. And I was suspicious about this entire mess, which I hardly knew anything about. Sleep came none to soon. Thankful for the heavy sheets, I finally drifted away in the cold night.

…THE NEXT MORNING…

I awoke to the beautiful sound of mourning doves outside my window and the crickets that were in a small cage on a vanity. The sun shone on my face, warm and gentle. I smiled at the wonder of it all. As I turned to get up out of bed, I saw that a sky blue tunic and pants were hanging beside the vanity. I never heard anyone enter my room… But temptation quickly won over caution. They were so… clean and hole-free. I went over and changed into the clothes, my fingers touching them very gingerly as I slipped on the satin. In one pocket there were sandals of the same color, and I slipped them on as well.

“Well, I see you’ve made yourself right at home,” said the cheery lady from the night before, startling me. She had entered the room so silently and I didn’t even notice. “I'm to escort you to my lord… as soon as you make yourself acceptable.”

I looked at her with questioning eyes; I thought I was already more beautiful then I had ever been before. She laughed when she saw my face and sat me down on a stool. Taking a jade comb she combed my hair and braided delicate gold threads into it. After putting rose-kissed powder on my face and eyeliner around my eyes, she said,

“Now, my dear, you are ready to see my lord.”

We passed countless servants as we trekked down the hallway. Massive statues lined the walls and I nearly ran into a marble water nymph. When we entered what I guessed was the Great Hall, I thought I was dreaming. The walls were lined with Lord Elwynne’s family line, with his mixed-breed parents above him and his grandparents and great grandparents on the walls to his side. A huge red rug covered the floor, and a fireplace the size of a warhorse on the right wall.

Lord Elwynne was in a corner by one of the many bookshelves that reached the ceiling. He looked up from his book and smiled at me, his bright purple eyes shining in the light of the fire. His hair was a dirty blonde, and his ears like mine; somewhere between a human’s and an elf’s. As he smiled he said,

“Ah, this must be our urchin. Welcome. Cassandra I’m sure has told you about yourself?”

“Yes, but she didn’t satisfy the curiosity she set in me,” I replied, a little angry. “Now I have more questions than before and a threat that says if I don’t help you in your insane plans you’ll kill me.”

“You see, my lord--” Cassandra, the lady from the previous night, started.

“No need, Cassandra,” said Lord Elwynne, his dazzling gaze turning to me. “I wish to tell her myself.”

What does he want to tell me? I wondered.

---

Elwynne will explin things in the next chapter. As soon as everything has been explained, we'll get some action. Trust me! Thanks for reading!


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272 Reviews


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Sun Feb 15, 2009 6:10 pm
beckiw wrote a review...



Here I am! lol

Not much to say on this chapter. Rosey of course has caught all the nit picks and grammar stuff which I am no good at.

I agree with her that after the night in the palace Nova has lost her sarcasm and head strongness (that's not a word lol). The sarcasm was the thing I really loved about Nova and what made her a refreshing sort of character, please don't lose that!

I'm sorry but I still can't help thinking you gave an awful lot of information away to Nova and the reader. I feel like Elwynne has nothing to tell us anymore because she was already told everything. I also sort of feel Nova should escape! but that's probably the writer in me trying to twist it to what I would want to write lol So feel free to ignore :P

Good chapter though, you are really getting this slow progression thing down, I didn't feel rushed in this chapter particularly :)

PM me when the next part is up and if you have any questions

Bex x

P.S. Sorry it was a short review but there wasn't much else to say :P




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Sat Feb 14, 2009 2:00 am
Rosendorn wrote a review...



I'm ba-ack.

Most recently: four silver pieces. When the woman looked up, darkness seemed to fill the air… and then it did for real.


The break between these two lines is rather sharp. I thought that "when the woman looked up" was an explanation to how Nova had gotten the four silver pieces. It took me a minute to catch on.

To fix it, I'd put an explanation to how Nova got the silver pieces and would break "when the woman looked up" into a new paragraph.


ready to curse him or her or harm someone at a moments notice.


The string of "or"s here is a bit confusing. In this case, you could replace "him or her" with "them" to get rid of that.

How did she know my name? How did she know my family? What else could she tell me about them? Where are they? When was I to get my abilities? How could she be sure I even had abilities? Why in the world would the great Lord Elwynne want me, an orphaned half-elf, whose best skill is outthinking dwarves and stealing food?


This string of questions really put me off. I can stand one or two questions thrown at me at one time, but seven in a row is too much. Give us some more thoughts as to how she feels about suddenly knowing all this stuff, rather then a string of questions on the topic.

I was hopeless, for whichever path I chose I would most surely die. I was scared, because I was merely a pawn in this game, and others would move me and capture me like I was nothing. And I was suspicious about this entire mess, which I hardly knew anything about.


"I was" gets a little repetitive here. Try to find a way to explain what she's feeling without using such a repetitive list.

Sleep came none to soon. Thankful for the heavy sheets, I finally drifted away in the cold night.


You never mentioned she had crawled into bed.....

I never heard anyone enter my room… But temptation quickly won over caution.


You've used ellipses twice in two sentences, making things a bit monoton. The reason I've quoted the first one is I don't think the ellipses fit here, when they do in the second sentence.

I went over and changed into the clothes, my fingers touching them very gingerly as I slipped on the satin. In one pocket there were sandals of the same color, and I slipped them on as well.


The satin what? You never mention fabric before. And was the pocket in the pants or the shirt?

After putting rose-kissed powder on my face and eyeliner around my eyes,


Usually people who are just putting on make-up for the first time feel a little strange about it. Eyeliner expesially feels weird if you're not used to it. Put a little more emotion from Nova about how the make-up feels on her skin.

Also, she's an urchin, right? I don't think her skin would be the cleanest or the nicest looking. It would probably take make-up a bit differently then a noble's skin. Did the woman have to cover up any scars? Wash Nova's face so it would take make-up properly? Why didn't Nova resist any make-up being put on? Since this is her first time wearing it and she tends to be weary and sarcastic, this simple mention of getting prettied up doesn't feel like it fits her character.


Lord Elwynne was in a corner


Give us a bit more description here. What was he doing? Standing? Sitting on a chair or on the floor?

“Yes, but she didn’t satisfy the curiosity she set in me,”


This dialogue feels a little formal for Nova's personality. In the other chapters she played mind-games with people to try to get her way, but here she's not. Either change the dialogue or give us a reason as to why she's acting like this.

What does he want to tell me? I wondered.


Unless her thoughts continue after this, I would delete the "I wondered" tag and simply put this in italics. Then it would have a lot more punch.

~~

Tags- I'm a bit annoyed at how much you've put the action after the dialogue. I know you're doing it to pause the dialogue, but maybe you could start using dashes and ellipses to show change in tone and pauses and put the action in front of the dialogue, while still keeping it on the same paragraph.

Characters- Nova seems to change half-way through, after spending the night in the palace. After two chapters of her sarcasum and wit, this was a bit odd for me. You don't really give a reason for the change either, which makes things extra odd. Either explain the change or change Nova's dialogue to make it more "her."

Description- Because you tend to use "said" tags a lot and not much else, we tend to loose some of the manerisums of the characters and what's going on around.

Overall- This was rather well written, with just those few issues that kinda bounced me out of the story, mostly Nova's sudden change in personality. Really watch your dialogue to make sure it's something your characters would say.

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey





The true adventurer goes forth aimless and uncalculating to meet and greet unknown fate.
— O. Henry (William Sydney Porter)