The air is like quartz, whilst I’m running out here
in crystalline fields. And although it’s a mere
afternoon, I feel that I could just go
anywhere, everywhere, finding I’ll know
everything, all-things, uncovering all
secrets and mysteries, held by those tall
dark hills, and dark trees, which recline up high,
quiet old gentlemen, glancing down sly.
They’re good friends of mine in this serenity,
those signs of the natural sincerity.
They call to my mind of the days which are gone,
bright summer days writing out on the lawn,
those days I’d do all, with just so little fuss,
like clear Autumn noons where I’d walk to the bus,
where I would just follow a tawny haired girl
whilst somehow I’d feel my own wings just unfurl.
She’d turn and she’d smile with a pure clarity,
and my heart would just leap with a wild fantasy,
of walking past castles, ablaze with the sun,
and watching white city lights whilst on the run.
I’m rejuvenated by talking sometimes,
on cold kitchen floors, and the hot meadow climes:
when people will open their hearts up to me,
and into my warm loving mind they will see.
But after the wonderful spiralling high,
I’ll descend to a boundless cloudy dark sky:
it’s there where I’ll stand so extremely alone,
and lose myself whilst looking down at my phone.
Voices will speak, and they’ll never desist,
“You’re nothing you just don’t deserve to exist.”
And though there are people who’ll look out for me,
I wish that, from this darkness, I could just flee.
But I know that I am just bound to catch sight,
Of a pleasant little yellow ray of light,
And then when I run into blueness I’ll burst,
Whilst harbouring some kind of quenchable thirst.
The trees and the hills they will smile at me,
(My friend runs beside me in pure ecstasy)
around me I’ll see those who say ‘thou and thee’
and faeries who’ll watch from a spiralling tree,
and zeppelins high in a scarlet wracked sky,
and dragons, through polarscape clouds they will fly.
My trainers, oh they will just pound out a sound
which evokes four friends, irresistibly bound
to one-another, who create such a power,
which evokes a bright and a blossoming flower.
But soon I’m approaching a dark, tawny gate
and now I will carry a burden-like weight.
Will I smile? People will hope to ascertain,
And I’ll just say, “Well mate,
when I run again.”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,103 Literary Works • 673,002 Reviews
Hi Terian,
This is a really well-written poem! I love the beautifully dramatic story told, and you were also able to keep up with rhymes! This piece has great imagery... I was hooked on entirely till the end.
To me, I think it might look better organized if you separated into a new stanza with the ending of a sentence.
Overall, I really loved reading this and I would love to read any other work
Hi!
Your writing is a brilliant one with strong words. Again the way you used to make an ordinary story into an extraordinary one is simply great. The turnings are also good. But be careful about using punctuation marks..By the way,well done.
Thanks for the feedback!
Hi Terian!
This is an awesome poem! The story is really creative and the rhyming is great! I just had ONE suggestion for you, and it's pretty small.
You said "quiet old gentlemen, glancing down sly." and I was a bit confused. Who is this quiet old gentleman? This is a REALLY small change, because overall, this poem is AMAZING and everything else about it is absolutely perfect!
Keep writing!!!
~Sivershade797
Hi and thanks for your nice comment! I intended the 'quiet old gentlemen' to be the dark hills and the dark trees. Perhaps I could add a 'they're' at the start of that line.
Hello Terian!
This is a really good peace.
There is just a few things you may want to consider changing/fixing.
The words them self are great and I'm happy of the choice of wording.
Its very interesting, and it flows easily.
I'm not sure why you did all the comas. It doesn't looks very nice, and its kind of confusing.
I would try not to use them so much, maybe try other punctuation.
The spacing is okay but i feel sense the lines are so long you may want to separate it into categories.
The meaning, and story is great.
It sticks out nicely, you can imagine it.
Either than all of that you did great.
Its Amazing!
I hope to read more of your work!
Sincerely Anma
Thanks, I'll take a look that
Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review to talk about your poem.
Okay let's get to it.
All I really have to say is this is a really well written poem, and it is beautiful in may ways.
Okay so let me start from the beginning.
When I saw that name you chose for this poem, "Running in the Cold" I thought this was rather interesting and I had to come and read your poem. I thought it was really cool, that your name for this poem managed to make me come and read it. SO that is something you should keep doing in the future, make your names interesting it will make your reader come and read your work, well that is how it works for me anyway.
The next thing I really like with poems is the story behind it. I thought you told a really amazing story with the words you chose to use. I always find it really cleaver how you paint such an amazing story and image with the words you use.
I also like it that your poem was long and the some of the words rimed, I no matter how many times I write poems I can't rime it as well as I would like. So I think you have done a really great job here. And I also liked that is was a long poem, it lets me be in your little word for a little bit longer. So great job.
Now I have no problem with your poem, so I guess that will be all from me for now. I do hope to see more of your works out on YWS soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.
Thank you I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Your welcome.