Would you like to know how you died?

To Tennantsayswhat,

Wow, I don't even know how to respond to this story. At first I was confused in the beginning because I was trying to figure out where they were, what was happening and so forth. As I started to go further on into it the coordinates really got me. At first I was thinking how was he supposed to know where those exact coordinates are? It's not like we know our longitude and latitude here. I was interested in how the guy died though, what type of planet did he come from, how it was there, how that whole system worked with regenerating and not regenerating was. If you were a code how was that different from our lives here being human? And thinking more into it, I started thinking about here how people believe in "regenerating" that you never really die you become another life. So I could be human now but have a thousand past lives as maybe a dog, or a bird, maybe a dinosaur, another human. I feel like this story plays off that idea but also into an electronic way. It was like you took a computer game and a character inside of it and it was the world according to the character in it and it had no idea. It was a very clever piece.

-gottahaveFaith

So, let me begin by saying that I'm new here and this is my second review, so bear with me. I'll also begin by saying that that your story was amazing. You have a real talent for writing Science Fiction (which is something I wish i had) and you kept me intrigued the whole time I was reading it. Excellent job with this it was amazing, as previously stated.

I was very surprised by this story. I expected something way different when i read the title, but this was much better, This was a very intriguing read. I'm not much a sci-fi person, but this was very well-done. It reminded me very much of something we would read in English for a short story. The black android sorta annoyed me, but I believe it was the sort of character one was not suppose to like. Good job!

Oh wow.... That was FANTASTIC. You are a very creative person and that story was sad

"This is actually my first review on science fiction,I'm a fan of science fiction but i haven't got the guts to make a review,For fear of misinterpretation.AND MY REVIEW GOES THUS":

A nice work i reckon(I'm trying to be cool) this work is(the road is never easy).First of all let me piont out that the title is suberb(thats what i belive),captures my mind,it did.A piont for that.But i really didn't enjoy it when the 'Black matte android"..."seemed to absorb all the light around him",i couldn't really picture such a scene,a creature that "absorb all the light" couldn't exist,even in science fiction,well its your style,the word "absorb" didn't fit into my mind.I also discovered,an emotional link in between the story line and it's great,nevertheless,it didnt quite reaching the captivating stage as in the case of the title,because you couldn't present it an "Awesome" manner(read frank hebert's work).CONGRATES,THE WORK WAS GREAT!.I can't continue now,but a lot of work needs to be done,especially with the emotion part.THANKS,and GOODLUCK

this is awesome, your precise use of scientific terms is top notch! it is a little creepy and depressing though which selects your readers but you can not have them all! keep writing

Heya! Basil here to review

That is amazing!!! The title is not only eye catching, but the first few sentences draw you in. I was totally engrossed, and when I finished reading, I had to recollect myself because I was so absorbed in the story. You're writing technique is very well developed, and though you lacked description in the main character, and at the beginning I was confused as to whether the story was 1st person or 3rd, I still had visual images of the white room, the black android – I thought of sort of beetle actually ^^ – and outer space!! The ending is sad but very lovely. I love how you've drawn it out, not so much that the reader becomes bored, but just enough so that you wish the story hadn't ended.

On a side note, where you wrote: “Would. You. Like. To. Know. How. You. Died,”, It should be: “Would. You. Like. To. Know. How. You. Died?"
Another tip is when you write stories, and you're writing down numbers – that aren't coordinates of course – you don't write the number, but with words (probably very confusing) so instead of writing 15, or 30, you write fifteen and thirty.

Over all, I loved the story!! Brilliant job and keep on keeping on I'd love to see more from you!!

Basil X3

I loved this story. This story was heart touching and warming, however this is sad also. But it is sad in a good way. To see that he gives up his last life so his wife and child could have a better life than living on the streets. That is true love, and even more honorable than dying on the battle field.

I think you could expand on this story though. There are some unanswered questions. For example, in the story you mentioned his home was ripped apart. I am not sure if he went to fight for his home planet or what... I question this because if it was planet destroyed how is his wife alive?

Second, if he went to war in a space ship why would he buy it in the first place? Was that something the military would provide for the soldiers?

Thirdly, if the man had a choice to regenerate why did he? Would his wife still be in debt if he chose to keep his one life and not regenerate?

A little more background information would be nice. Other that I loved reading this story, and you did a wonderful job. Keep writing.

Shalie

Hey it's Neverland here to review! I would like to ask two quick questions before I proceed. First is your username reference to Doctor Who? And second this reminded me a lot of Doctor Who, is this purposeful? If so you did a good job. If not this review will be awkward, so if not ignore my questions. Now to get to the actual review:


'"Would. You. Like. To. Know. How. You. Died,” A tinge of irritation now crept in the voice.'
After the word 'died' you should have a question mark instead of a fullstop. Also ‘A tinge of irritation now crept in the voice’ should be something like ‘I could hear a slight note of irritation creep into the voice.’

'He was neither hot not cold, there were no smells, and the silence was absolute, except for their voices.'
This is a bit of a contradiction I think it would sound a bit better if it was:
'He was neither hot nor cold, there were no smells and the only noise to break the silence was slight, their voices.'

^Maybe that’s just me but anyway. I believe you should continue this; even if you just add another short story on the end, make it a two part.
But yes I really enjoyed reading this and you wrote it well.

Now quickly referring back to what MooCowPoop said. The only reason I can think of that you could possibly make a typo and it be that name is that of course you were thinking of the amazing Captain Jack....... <.< >.>

Anyway I do hope to read more of this adventure. Keep writing and I shall return at one point to review more of you work. Good luck with writing!!!
xx
~Neverland.

I have been meaning to review this since yesterday but haven't had a chance to do so yet. At long last, some free time has blessedly come my way, so here goes!

My reaction when I finished reading? Wow. To think that I was reluctant to read the story because of the title! What is frustrating about, 'Would you like to know how you died?' is that, personally, I thought that it was going to be somewhat bland and, to be perfectly honest, a mediocre ripoff from a piece written by a more experience author. Nevertheless, it pulled me in anyway, which is why I decided to give it a shot. Boy, I could not have been more wrong.

You had me in the bag from the word 'go', and considering that I read this during a lecture...pretty much says it all. However, the point of this review is to provide constructive criticism, and this is what I am going to attempt to give you.

It's all very well that every person has more than 1 life (kind of like a 'cat' thing - did I get it wrong?), but still, I would be pretty damn huffed up about losing one and having to use up another. More than that, the protagonist seems to be relieved about his death - the whole thing does not add up. Is he 'sad' he died, "“I’m dead? I can’t be-No. No,”" or does he feel like the weight of the world is off his shoulder because everything is going to be fine for his family? Personally, I find his initial disbelief rather...misplaced. He was during a war, what did he expect - to die in his sleep? Death is the main component of war, and he should have expected it.

I am not saying that your making him shocked at his death is at fault, but the way he recovers instantly is odd. When it comes to death, he should be either in a state of total dishevelment or experiencing relief. Pick a side.

Other than that...flawless. I'm talking about the story itself, not the nitpicking side of it (i.e. grammar and vocabulary and whatnot).

(Now I know I'm going to come out looking like a less-than-average intelligent person after this question, but I could do with a clarification - where does he go upon regeneration?)

I agree with what other reviewers have told you; mainly, you need to 'emotionalise' the ending. Make it more bittersweet. Lose the last sentence, it does not contribute to what should be the emotional last thoughts of a father who will never see his child (place it somewhere else in the story). One point which caught my eye was that he felt like crying but could not (the 'lines of code' thing was frawesome, by the way) - so technically, his feelings are still present. Make the reader feel them, spring the tears to our eyes and make them flow!

Well, that is it. One last thing...I NEVER read sci-fi. You might just be the reason I start following the stuff. Curse you.

P.S. I want this to be the start of a looooonnng novel, not a short story!

I just love this story. The ending is beautifully sweet and sad, the idea wonderfully written. It was executed extremely well. The length of it was just enough to tell the reader the story you wanted to and yet leave us wondering about this strange world you have made. You give enough information to probe our imaginations and not enough to spoil the uniqueness of it.

I think your main character here doesn't really need any further characterization (though this is just my opinion). He was going to be a father but he died before he could even see his son-- I already connect with him. Then when he goes on to think about the debts that would crush their family, it gives him personality; he's caring and doesn't want his family to be out on the streets. True, we don't know much else about him, but it's not necessary. You gave us exactly what we needed for this story to flow.

There were a few grammatical mistakes but I wouldn't worry about those. Give it a couple days and you'll be able to read through and spot them. (-:

Again, I love this story! Keep up the wonderful work and be sure to let me know when you post something again!

-Kev

A very interesting and sweet short story.
It was very complete on itself and had a very solid world to work off of.
I found the ending bittersweet but still, I loved it all the same.
I hope to see more work from you in the future.

This was really good. Wow.

I have nothing to review on so I'm just going to point out that you don't just die from a lack of oxygen if you get thrown into space. Remember in Toy Story? "My eyeballs could have been sucked from their sockets." Heh. Astronauts have to where sealed suits to avoid, well, I don't know. Having their insides strewn out all over the place.

Just saying.

Ooh, maybe you can have it so that he is in a space-suit type of thing, and he has an oxygen tank, and he dies by suffacation when his o2 runs out. That would make it a lot more suspenseful and tragic, I think. Like Beck said, I think you should expand on this.

(My second question was, what happens to people who have to regenerate and don't know their space coordinates? They could get planted in the ocean or a lava pit or something. That would be bad.)

SBC

This is a perfect length, perfect story, needs no improvement.

I have absolutely no footing in science fiction. First statement.

Second: This piece has some very provocative elements and ideas (the title the giveaway after being, first, the bait) and they transcend the barriers of genre, I think.

I do agree with beckiw, though -- I do think this could use some expansion. Just not in the beginning. More so where and when you really begin to develop the background and Jake and his place in this universe you've introduced to us; not the introduction itself. I think what you did to bring us in as readers was just fine.

I...would LOVE a continuation of this somehow. Honestly. You've created something that kind of gnaws at my own, presently singular, consciousness -- there's SO MUCH that this story leaves behind that starves rather than satiates. Not just a one-parent family surviving the captain of deep-space vessel, but an entire universe of prodded yet unexplored conceit and an alluring frontier of prospective plot...

Is it wrong to ask for something more?


End Statement: This was truly wonderful to read. I tend to stay far away from sci-fi, but this has definitely done something good for me.

Thank you.


- Max

Hey there Tennant!

Thought I'd pop by for a review. Actually my 250th review!

Let's get down to this.

So my main thought after I finished was just one of 'Expaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!' Basically I wanted more. I love the idea you have here, the concept, but I felt like there wasn't enough room for me, as a reader, to fully invest in that concept. Just as I was beginning to wrap my head around the story, it finished. Plus the ending is supposed to be quite emotional. I think it's supposed to hit hard but I didn't have enough time to know this character, to know his situation, to feel his situation. So instead of being quite upset, or annoyed, or moved...I just felt a bit blah.

And it doesn't need to be extensively expanded really. Perhaps at the beginning you could spend a little time setting things up. Maybe have the disorientation last longer. Have his situation come to him a little slower. That would give the reader a little time to be with him and know his thought processes and think 'Well what would I do in this situation?' Or maybe you could have him try something else before he starts to think through his realistic options. It doesn't even have to be something that would actually work. I just feel like he's way too calm? There's only a slight moment of denial for him at the beginning and then he's moving on.

I guess I just felt like there needed to be more emotion. Right now it kind of feels too clinical. I want to get into his head more and feel this moment in his life. That could be personal preference though. Maybe there's a reason you want it to be more clinical!

Also the part just after the android asks him if he wants to regenerate felt a little expositiony. Perhaps you could phrase more in the way that it's his thought processes rather than it sounding more like you're just telling us stuff. You've done it in other paragraphs so you definitely can do it!

And one reaaaally nit-picky thing that I noticed was that you used the word absolute quite a lot and once I noticed that you were doing that it became very distracting. So perhaps you could think about switching up your word use a little bit.

But I did enjoy this! I think it's a good idea and it's worth kind of exploring further, worth expanding and seeing where it goes. You definitely have an eye for Sci-Fi!

Let me know if you have any questions And I hope you're enjoying the site!

Bex x

I immediately liked this story because it was science fiction. The idea was so great! I loved it! And the the dialogue is great! I especially liked the end. I felt sad for the character, poor little Jake!

Technical stuff:
a little bit of the vocabulary was funky for me. Like when you say "the silence was absolute" . I don't think absolute is the best word. And the description of the character isn't the bes, can you give a little more context on him? You say hes a line of code... can you desxribe that more?
Do you think you can shrink down the coordinates? They are little overwhelming.

Great job though! I really liked this story!