“Woah there, careful now. “ He grabbed her just as she almost catapulted face-first into an Orakian war-axe.
“Daddy, daddy, daddy, what’s this? And this, what does this do? Can I hold it?” She bounded around the war relic room babbling and pointing.
“Remember why we came?”
She made a face. “To learn about why…..bad….things?”
The prince smiled, “We must never forget our history. Because once we forget it-“
“-we’ll repeat it. I know, daddy. “
Her newly solemn attitude lasted for a grand total of four and a half minutes before her excitement got the best of her. She leapt around the corner and crashed right into a tall marble pillar. The column started to wobble, the fist-sized orange ball balancing on top. It rolled and leapt off the edge, right towards her. The soft glow lit up her smiling face as she reached out to touch the pretty.
“DON’T-, “ was all he had time to say before her small hand reached out and grasped the glass-like orb and –
Nothing. She laughed and turned to show him but the smile faded from her face as she saw his eyes. For a split second, relief passed through his mind, followed by absolute, utter horror.
* * *
Every child in Adaris grows up hearing the tales of the Baelaeran wars. Before the fighting started, the kingdoms had been enjoying the most prosperous age in millennia. It had many names: the golden age, the long peacetime, the age of the prophets. Before the war, prophecies were abundant, but after the slaying at Daenar Cathedral, the art of prophecy was lost. All but one prophecy had been fulfilled.
“The essence of Orakis will be captured, and without it, their forces will fail. None may touch the essence without dying but One. She will turn to the darkness and slay the Lion Prince. Should he fail in this moment to end her, darkness will once again descend on the kingdoms. In his hands lie the fates of all.”
* * *
The prince beckoned to his only child, the remnant of the woman who had changed his life, then abruptly left it.
“Come here, darling.” She ran, laughing, into his arms. With one hand, he held her tight, whispering how much he loved her, while the other grasped the ceremonial short sword he carried at his hip. She stiffened as the sword cut through her heart and passed into his.
They were buried as they were found, clasping each other, connected by the sword through their hearts.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Well, that was certainly original, and interesting. The start of the story led me to believe one thing, and by the end I was surprised at the outcome. I liked the overall plot theme of this, and I applaud you for that.
Though i was a bit confused as to what was going on. perhaps you could elaborate some more on what the kingdom went through, who the prince is exactly, how his wife changed him, those types of things, to add more character depth to it. Thought processes and emotion descriptions will also add tons of characterization to this piece.
And his daughter, how old was she and where were they? I got the distinct picture of a castle somewhere, but not much else than that. This story has so much potential, but I just didn't feel a definite connection, and/or a strong emotion to accompany this. The end was a good emotion stirrer, but it was bland. My advice would be to add more detail and diction into your writing, because this plot is such a grand idea it's just another example of human capability to be creative.
Keep writing!
Hi, I'm Celticmusicgirl and I'll be reviewing your work today.
Wow. What a surprising ending. Although I do not understand why the prince did that. Maybe you could elaborate some here and there to explain things and fill in the gaps. I didn't spot any spelling/grammar errors except one.
You said, "She made a face. “To learn about why…..bad….things?”" I think the why should be removed. It does not make sense.
Otherwise, I think this piece is great. Just watch where there needs to be more information.
For example, you said, "“DON’T-, “ was all he had time to say before her small hand reached out and grasped the glass-like orb and –
Nothing. She laughed and turned to show him but the smile faded from her face as she saw his eyes. For a split second, relief passed through his mind, followed by absolute, utter horror."
I don't understand what is wrong here. Why is the prince scared? What is the orb? jsut add some more descriptions. ALso maybe describe the setting a bit more. I want to know what the room looks like. Is it cold in the room? Is it outdoors or indoors? What kind of weapons are in the room? Also, you could describe the characters a little more. Does the princess have long hair or short? Is she 5 or younger? Is she older than that? Does the prince have long hair or short? What color is his hair? What color are his eyes?
That kind of stuff is what is needed to make the story flow a little better. It will give the reader a better picture of what is happening in the story.
Overall, it was a good starting point. Just expand and add more detail. I would love to read this again after you edit. Please PM me when you edit this and when you post more.
Well, hello, would you like a review? PeanutPhoebe here to give you one. Okay, so I really don't know where to start. First of all, like the first reviewer, I think this could definitely use A LOT more descriptions for us to be able to understand what was going on. What was this ball? What was the prophecy? Why were they touring this? Why didn't he warn her? Information like that would really help us to know the point of this story. Then, the ending... I'm not sure what that did. Obviously the girl didn't die by touching it, so why did he kill his own daughter who he supposedly loved so much, as well as committing suicide? That sure doesn't seem like love to me. This just really seems to be lacking information to make it a really good story. Also, it's just so dark. Hope this helps. Keep writing!!
Lady Celestia, the Glorious Knight
The only problem I found in this story is -- why do Adarians let their children play near potentially fatal (at but a touch) artifacts? Haven't they heard of WHMIS? Her father knew exactly what that object was, and yet he neglected to warn his daughter about it before entering the relic room, or put some kind of protective mesh around it, or... anything, really. In a logical universe, this event would never have happened, if her father loved her even a little bit. Here, in the universe of our story, it happened because it needed to happen to move the plot forward. As a reader, I realize this, and it rubs me the wrong way.
Other than that, this is a fantastic short. It has a beginning and an end, as opposed to a prologue disguised as a short story. Unlike the previous reviewer, I don't really mind the lack of details about Balerian Wars, or the prophecies, or how many cats peed in the armory. Those details are extraneous, and would bring nothing of importance to the story. If it were a novel-length work, then perhaps; but this is a self-contained piece, and wonderfully self-contained, at that. The few clues that are given here are more than enough for me to imagine what the Balerian Wars may have looked like -- if I feel like it. The story doesn't force me to, because it accomplishes everything it needs to in its allotted time. What happens in this universe next is up to my imagination.
It's been a while since I saw flash fiction talent here. I will follow you, and hope to see more of your work.
Your battle-axe,
cC
Thanks, I was experimenting with using as few words as I could while still telling a complete story.
Wow. The ending wasn't exactly what I was expecting. It's so...dark.
The beginning seemed so cheery, so lovely, father and daughter touring the armory together. All of a sudden, he kills both of them. There isn't enough build up.
This is an excellent rough copy, but it does need polishing. I'm just going to list a series of questions about this story to show what you need to work on:
Can you tell me more about the kingdom(s)? What is the essence of Orakis? What happened in the Baelaeran Wars? What were the other prophecies? Who prophecied them? How was the art of prophecy lost? What does the armory smell like? What color are the walls? Is the floor made of stone, wood, or some other material? What is the source of light in the rooms? Who was this mysterious woman who changed his life? Does the prince have an eternal struggle with himself before slaying the child? What is the aftermath? Does the girl just stiffen as she dies, or does she scream too? What color was the marble pillar the girl ran into (pink, white gray)?
You can see that there is a lot that could be done to make this a better story. It needs more description.
It's a really good base to build off of! I want to see what else you do with this, PM me if you ever extend this!
Keep Writing!
yubbies21