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God d*** it, Why?

by TenderFalling4U


I lost the reins
My chest is about to explode
I have a washing machine inside of my stomach
That just got installed

My face got ignited
It’s burning my skin away
Fingers vibrate like tiny molecules
seeking to change state

Voice lost its purpose
Words don’t make any sense
My mind?
It decided to run away
God damn it
now I can’t think straight

And all of this
Because you are here
In front of me
Focused only on me
Trying to communicate

Those brown eyes
Are shining so bright
That smile
Is an absolute charming light

So then why my whole body feels like it’s about to die?


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Sat Jul 08, 2023 2:42 pm
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epotts1 wrote a review...



"I have a washing machine inside of my stomach" i love the way that you made
this sound, while also being 100 percent relatable.

"My face got ignited
It’s burning my skin away"
I love the way I can relate to this also, it almost makes me think of blushing and red, and it just goes perfectly with the prose.

"Voice lost its purpose
Words don’t make any sense
My mind?"
I also think it's clever that while this is happening you also illustrated your confusing to what was happening. You're getting flabbergasted what's going on?

I also think it's brilliant that you showed attraction, even though it's considered positive, to be painful sometimes and overwhelming.

GREAT JOB :)




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Thu Jun 29, 2023 1:52 am
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alpacaboss wrote a review...



Through the lens of a person who has not experienced love and is probably repulsed by the notion of it, this poem is an ode to their first experience of love (or possibly lust). Before the review though, late welcome to YWS! I hope you'll enjoy your stay here. :D

Just going to leave a quick review because I enjoy the emotions you presented here.

The descriptions you put are vivid and relatable, which help with letting the reader understand what's happening even if they may have not necessarily experienced the same thing yet. I also admire the continuity in your descriptions. You start with the stomach and chest churning like a washing machine. Then this sensation creeps up to the face and finger tips, paralyzing them. Finally it chokes your voice, making you breathless and voiceless. I find it fitting how the only thing they could say is the titular expression, showing that they can't find any other words to say. I like the contrast you put as well. The character loves (or lusts) the other so much that they feel like they're going to die. I say love or lust because the descriptions are purely physical. It may be love or lust. That's the beauty of this poem. it can go both ways.

Overall, this is a great emotional rollercoaster, having the potential to cause one to feel the same emotions because of how vivid they are.

This is alpacaboss, signing off.




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Tue Jun 27, 2023 3:08 pm
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WaffleLord21 wrote a review...



Hello! I'm not very good at reviewing other people's work, but I still wanted to share my thoughts on your poem. First off, I love the general vibes of the poem itself. I can relate to the feeling of anger that comes from love and i think the washing machine line really sums it up well. The specific message I got from the poem was that the narrator of the poem is angry at themselves for still being mad at their partner when their partner has forgiven them. That might not be right, but I think the whole poem fits with the vibes of that. If i could give one piece of criticism it would be to rewfine the message a little bit more (although if you wanted a little bit of vagueness you did perfect!) All in all, I really enjoyed reading your poem. Thank you for writing it!




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Mon Jun 26, 2023 1:57 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey there! Welcome to YWS, I thought I'd stop by to review your poem. :)

I'll be using the Review S'more Method (found here)

Graham Cracker: Overall Interpretation
The meaning of the poem seemed to be stated fairly clearly - the speaker is struck by the person in front of them (from fear, memory, lust or love - I'm guessing love based on the second to last stanza) and so they lose control of their mind and body - with their skin burning up and stomach getting nervous. The effect the speaker has on them effects every part of them and they end saying they feel like they're about to die.

Despite the reason for this feeling seeming to be love? or just lust? they don't really describe the physical reaction in a positive way - making me wonder if they are frustrated by their body or by the person in some way.

Toast Marshmallow: Critiques

I think you may want to focus the mood of the poem a little more - > if the poem is about love, you really didn't give any language towards the speaker to be interpreted as loving outside of "absolute charming light" which is a little vague, if instead you wanted to lean into the nervousness as a bad thing, I think you could lean into the why of why all that is a bad thing or uncomfortable. Focusing in on mood a little bit more (even if the feelings are complex or multi-faceted) will help readers come away understanding the intent of the poem a bit more.

I think a unique aspect of this poem is a person could read the first several stanzas and think the poem was about something the speaker was angry at / mad about, so the emotion switch half way through with the reveal is actually a clever turn - I just think since that's a unique aspect that seems to be an intentional turn, you could even lean into it more - make the angry part more ambiguous or seem more frustrated, and then the loving part can be a greater reveal if it came across as more loving (ie. giving actual reasons the speaker loves the subject outside of them having eyes and a bright smile which are fairly surface level and leaning more towards lust than love).

As for formatting - I think the way you divided up stanzas was good for understanding, I don't think that the bolded words were necessary. Usually in modern poetry birds aren't bolded unless there's a specific artistic reason, as it's seen as a little distracting. The line that you had entirely bolded is already a very strongly emotional line with the swear word being thrown in there, so there's no need for the bolded text to make it stand out even more.

Overall I would suggest leaning into your metaphors and descriptions more to bring this poem to the next level.

Chocolate Bar: Praise
My favorite aspect of your poem was that first stanza where you used a few metaphors to get at the feeling of nervousness you were describing - while chest explosion is a description I've heard before, I thought the washing machine stomach was a great vivid description and rather unique - I'd love to see this aspect expanded even more. The fingers vibrating in place was also a good description that I found to be unique.

You did a great job editing this for spelling / grammar - I didn't catch anything like that that seemed out of place and your capitalization and punctuation choices seemed consistent all the way through which goes a long way in making a poem seem professional and polished.

Final Graham Cracker: Last Notes

Overall I enjoyed the read, and hope you keep writing, reviewing, and posting poetry! There's a lot of great poets on YWS and it is really easy to grow here and learn a lot, so I hope you stick around and enjoy the site.

Happy writing!

alliyah




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Mon Jun 26, 2023 4:28 am
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cookiesandcream123 wrote a review...



Hey, TenderFalling4u!

It seems like you just recently joined, soo, welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here! :D

Alrighty, so.. I'm not good at reviewing poetry or analyzing stuff, so I'll just talk about the first impression I got. From how I see it, the narrator is falling for someone! <3 I really love the metaphors that you use, especially in the first and second stanzas. Very creative imagery, and it shows instead of tells that they're blushing, having butterflies in their stomach, etc.

Buut there also seems to be an underlying anger in their tone, and I feel like the last line really cements this:

So then why my whole body feels like it’s about to die?


(Also, off-topic but you might've forgotten to include the word "does" here^)
The bolded why and the word "die" makes it sound very intense. Also, since it's placed after the more light-hearted stanza, the contrast stands out darkly. So because of that, and along with the title, I agree with CornDog that the narrator at least has some angry or conflicting feelings here. I'm curious, though, if they really firmly hate the person they're falling for, or if it's just like, shy anger if you know what I mean. If it's the latter, I Think that could be made a little clearer, because some lines are certainly very harsh.. but I'm not 100% sure, so ultimately it's up to you.

All in all, this is an awesome poem! :D I really enjoyed reading it. Looking forward to seeing more of your works!




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Mon Jun 26, 2023 3:21 am
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TheCornDogEnthusiast wrote a review...



Hello!
This poem is a great way of saying that despite being with someone special, your anger still stays with you. Or at least that's what I saw. Bolding "God d*** it" and "why" and then that being the title is extremely creative. Never seen something like that, it really shows the meaning of the poem. It stands out from the rest. THe use of detail in how anger looks is so accurate, especially mentioning "a washing machine inside of my stomach".
Oh my god, it is so relatable.
I'm impressed how well you described anger just in a small poem. It's truly amazing. The vagueness of the poem can represent anger over little things or nothing. Just a bad mood.
I'd like to see more poems from you, I enjoy them and diving into their meanings, or at least how I see them.

Approved by the Corn Dog Enthusiasts Association (CDEA)




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Mon Jun 26, 2023 2:49 am
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LuminescentAnt wrote a review...



Hello! Extra quick review for this poem!
Usually I don't review poems because I am bad at reviewing them, but I'll give this one a try.
Your first sentence is good, it shows that the charater has lost complete control over theirself. Although, I thought the line where you wrote,

That just got installed

I thought that it was uneccesary, since I wasn't really sure what the purpose of th line was. Was it to say that the washing machine is running very fast? If so, maybe you could use another line like, "Shaking the ground" or something (that's just an example)
A line I thought was interesting was,
Fingers vibrate like tiny molecules
seeking to change state

I wasn't really sure what this was trying to describe, but maybe it's just me. I'm curious as to know why you chose molecules, because you could have chosen any other thing that vibrates violently.
I'm gonna skip the next stanza, because I think it is overall pretty good. It has a lot of emotion in it, which is very descriptive in this kind of poem.
Focused only on me
Trying to communicate

I was again, a littl bit confused because I thought that the person that the narrator is looking at is the one causing them all this pain. I also was confused about what exactly they were communicating.
I had the same problem in te next stanza. I was again, confused because I thought that this person person was harming the narrator, yet they say that their eyes have a charming light.
Otherwise, I think this is a good poem, like I said, it has a lot of feeling and emotions and really shows the struggles that the reader has. Keep writing!





You know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart? They're both ridiculous.
— The 12th Doctor