The Edge of Death

Wow. At first when I found this, I first noticed how short this was. Then I noticed how real and beautiful you managed to make it, in only four lines. I am sorry I can't offer you any help on this, but I guess that is a good thing! Keep Writing!
-SnazzyPencil

Hi, Tealessence! It's Em101cats here to review.

I was drawn in by the intriguing and poetic title. A title isn't just telling readers the name of the story or what the story is about. It sucks readers into the story because they want to know about "the edge of death" that this poem speaks of. You did an AMAZING job with this.

As for the poem, it was even more AMAZING! I loved every line! Usually the last line hits the impact in a poem, but this short poem had an insanely large amount of impact to my heart on every line. I love that. You did wonderfully on this!

Since I have no nitpicks, I'll tell you this instead: This deserves its spot in the Featured list!

Congrats for the title of Featured Work. You deserve the spotlight!

Keep up the fantastic writing!
~Em101cats~

This deserves to be here. Great job, Teal!

WHOA WHOA WHOA, WAIT.

Erhemm, welcome to YWS, and CONGRATS for making it to the Spotlight! :O I mean, a very new member and the first work posted appears on the Literary Spotlight? And the poem itself has a very powerful impact to the reader? You have given us the impression that you are one promising writer.

I appreciate its abrupt shortness, how everything is put into four simple lines with breath-taking imagery. I don't have much to say, a work which is short is usually one with less mistakes, and I personally think this was magnificent.

Great work, and make yourself at home here on this site!

~Brunnera

As stated before, as diminuitive as its size is, the poem truly IS read better at a slower pace. You drew sooo much emotion out of the readers without using more than 30 words. It usuall takes me about 100 words!!

I love your use of words as well, very very much. Words such as " scraping " and " foul " , and also " abyss " draw sooo many different emotion from me --- fear, desperation, suspense, pain. It's FANTABULOUS!! <3

Finally, I seriously treasure your ability to tell a story with, ( and I'll say this again and again and AGAIN and a thousand million freaking times over!! ) quite frankly, hardly any more than twenty words!! I wish I could write just like you are able to one day in my life. *prays*

) KEEP ON WRITING!!

Highest Regards ,

--- Sophia ( a. k. a. sbf1102 , loll. ) <3

Very small but is actually really inspirational.

That was an awesome poem! Welcome to the Young Writers Society. It's great that you've already published something! I'm RavenLord and you can ask me about suggestions for good dark poems, because I am that kind of writer. Just ask if you need anything.

Hello! I'm here to review your poem for you, which, by the way, has a beautiful title that definitely grabbed my attention and made me want to read it, because it's just very gripping.
The poem did not disappoint me, it was equally gripping and, hm, I'm losing my words. I don't want to say dark, but, I don't know, emotional? It made me feel emotion, which I always think is a really good characteristic for a poem.

So, review.

I don't really like the 'yet' in the first line. I just don't see how it fits and in a poem this short and powerful, every word really needs to count. I realize that taking out 'yet' may mess with the rhythm and flow of the poem, but I think if you could figure out a better replacement or just a way to take it out entirely that might be good.

Nice word choice with 'churning' it seems to really fit the overall feel of this piece.

Okay, so I realized I just said I liked the title, but I'm not sure if I like that it's the same as the third line. I mean, since this is so short it just seems weird to repeat the same thing twice. I don't know, you're call, of course. Also, walking seems like a bit of a weak word after churning and scraping. It's just, so, normal, and definitely doesn't have the same connotation of the other two.

I'm not sure about the word 'of' I mean, I guess it works and I don't really have any alternative suggestions, but it just felt weird when I read it the first couple of times.

I think your ending could be a little bit stronger, but it certainly isn't bad as is. Nice poem, great job of conveying emotion and painting a feeling here.
Hope this helped some!

I just realized I should be going to a meeting right now... Oops. I guess I should go. Anyway, enjoy, write tons, let me know if you have any comments or questions and of course feel free to disregard anything and everything I said.

Four lines... and my heart skipped a beat.
Incredible!
Tealessence, it seems you're new here (I'm pretty new, too), but I can already tell you deserve great success.
Perhaps it's because I relate very deeply to this poem as well (I, too, continue to struggle with such illness), or perhaps it's the application of the note you provided (to read slowly), but this made my stomach flip! In a good way. A great way, actually.
I have nothing to fault here. No suggestions I could think of. I was entranced.
This is brilliant.
Perhaps I'm over-praising this, but in my opinion, this is is the most touching poem I've read all day.
The best poems to me are the shortest that give the greatest meaning. You displayed that perfectly.

Welcome to YWS and keep up the great stuff!

~iron.n