Chapter 2
CHASE
I drove over to Joseph Middle School of Chicago, hoping to find the girl. It didn’t take long. She was sitting on top of the fence of the playground, twisting some sort of coin with a hole in her hands. “ Who’s the stalker now, huh?” she said and looked up at me.
“Well, at least I’m not trying to attack you, love, shouldn’t you be in class?” I asked jerking my head towards where all the other kids were coming into the building from the playground.She shrugged. “ Bugged the classroom, i'll get the stuff later, they don’t really notice if i'm gone anyway.”
“You’re a smart kid,” I mused. “ It helps to be smart, living on the street.” She elaborated when a gave her a frown.
“My parents died when I was five, then I moved from foster home to foster home until I was eight, then I ran away. Since then I lived on the streets.”
“Alone?” A loud shriek cut off her reply. “What was that!?” I exclaimed. Molly jumped off and took off running towards the building.
“Oh my god, Cassandra!” she screamed. Teachers pulled students away from a young girl’s dead body in the doorway of a classroom. I pulled Molly back. “That’s my best friend,’’ she cried, blinking furiously to stop tears.
“Yes, and there’s nothing you can do,” I said, pulling her close and stroking her curls. I noticed the scratches from the girls arm to her neck, where two gaping holes oozed blood. This was no ordinary murder. That’s the work of a Blood Beast.
“Is there somewhere we can go, to talk,” I asked. She nodded and led me to the back of the parking lot. We sat down on the curb. “Ill kill him, I’ll kill whoever killed her,” she muttered bitterly. “It might not be a person.”
She glanced at me, her eyes glistening. “The scratches and holes are usually found on the victim of a Blood Beast. The nastier, deadlier cousin of vampires. A fifth order shadow. I hunt those demons, called shadows.”
“I know, I saw it in my dream. Last year, I realized my dreams were different. They come true, not déjà vu, its real. I see murders, kidnapping, robberies, days or weeks before they happen and come on the news. Two nights ago, I had a nightmare. Everything was hazy, and in red. I saw a body, but it was too blurry to see it clearly. I also saw you, and heard your name. I should have warned her!”
“Its not your fault. You wouldn't have understood. I can help, and send the demon back. I just need to get in."
She nodded. "I can help with that."
I called Jack and told him to bring supplies. He came about a half an hour later, when everyone cleared out. "Molly, this is Jack, he's here to help," I said introducing them. " My class is on the first floor, we can come in through the window," Molly said, leading us to an open window on the side of the school.
We hoisted ourselves in. The enterence was covered in police tape. I went through anyway, to inspect the scene. blood was still on the floor. I took out five seer stones, threw them in the blood, and cleared my mind to recite the spell. " Ancient spirits, hear my word, and show us the evil that lurked here."
Black clouds came up, and showed the image of a woman with long black hair, and black robes. her eyes were red and fangs protruded from her upper lip. Black veins ran up her neck. The image faded.
"Is there a science lab on this floor?" I asked Molly. She nodded. "First door to the right."
I took a microscope from the lab to analyze the blood. Molly was looking at a desk in the back of the room. "This was hers. She was also a foster child, that's why we got along so well. I should go to comfort her family," she said with a sad sigh.
I nodded. "I just need something personal from her." She threw me a sparkly blue folder. "Here." She left. Jack pushed his stringy blonde hair from his face. 'I'm guessing she's legit," he said. I nodded. "She's useful, I'm gonna go after her, you finish up here," I replied, Jumping back out.
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Canary word: Present
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Hi Tallon45. Back to review Chapter 2!
- “Since then I lived on the streets” needs to be “Since then I’ve lived on the streets.”
- Woah! That sure came out of no where. I like the way you’ve thrown us straight into some action.
- I feel that he should be a bit more surprised that she is telling him she can see the future in her dreams? I mean, thats huge news right?
- I think that they way Chase uses the seers stones at the crime scene is really cool but you haven’t done enough explaining about what they do and what they are. Maybe you could get Molly to ask about them so that the reader will know to? Use your characters to ask the questions that we can’t.
- Overall, bulk this chapter out with some more information. Fill it with a bit more description and explanation as to who, what, where and why this is all happening! Even though you might know everything about your characters and their powers. We don’t.
Good luck! Feel free to ask me anything, anytime.
Olive <3
Hello there.
This chapter has some interesting information, but it feels like you left a bit out. This chapter could've been lengthened a bit with the following:
How did Chase find Molly? There are bound to be a few other places she could be, and it's odd that he seemed to find her right away with little to no information on her.
You might want to explain how Molly looks or acts when she talks. She says some pretty personal stuff, so emotional details could really bring out her character.
You forgot to include a sentence of Chase following Molly into the school.
What's Chase's reaction to Molly's powers? He should have some reaction to the revelation.
All of this is pure suggestion, so you can do as you please.
But really, this is an excellent plot chapter. Molly's dialogue in particular is exquisite, but remember that everything can be improved upon. I'll personally implore you to continue this novel, you've fully seized my intrigue. I can't wait to see what comes next. Cheers.
-Chaser
Hey Tallon, me again.
I must say this is awesome! I love the way you described the whole event, it was so sinister yet so well described it felt like I was Chase! Absolutely brilliant chapter!
I also like how you've done your research on the whole supernatural thing, seer stones? Spirits? This is only the second chapter and already I am so intrigued by it, I can't wait for the third chapter! Oh and I must ask, the whole thing with orders of demonic creatures, is it from folklore or your own imagination? If it is your own imagination then that's incredible!
There's just one or two points to take note of:
'ligit' change the second letter to e.
change 'come' to 'go' (future tense).
But still like I said, great work and I cannot wait for the third chapter!
LordofLit101
thanks! my knowlodge comes from research and watching Constantine and reading hellblazer comics. the demons are slightly adapted versions of my imagination.