CHASE
Finally out of that bloody godforsaken hospital. Cooped up inside there for two months when shadow demons wreak havoc. It was just a couple broken ribs from a werewolf attack of the first order. Those things are not fun, believe me.
Shadows, as we call them, are a step up from regular demons. A whole lot deadlier. There are five orders, one being the most dangerous. Me, I hunt them down, send them back to the hell they belong.
So here I am now, discharged, and ready to fight. I walked through an alley shortcut to get home, when something jumped on me. I twisted, threw it over my shoulder, and pinned it to the brick wall. A young girl, no older than twelve or thirteen glared at me, green eyes blazing and breathing hard.
" Trying to mug me kid, 'cause it doesn't look like you're getting very far," I said with a chuckle, and released her to the ground. "I wasn't trying to mug you, Tallon," She said. "Who are you, and how do you know me?" I growled
"Ive been watching you, I'm not a stalker, I just want answers." I raised an eyebrow. "What answers?"
" I have dreams, something bad's going to happen, and you're going to stop it." "I've had my share of bad things, you cant be more than twelve, what do you mean?"
"Fourteen. My names Molly," she said. "You'll find out soon enough." and with that she jumped up, and climbed over a wall. I stared after her. For some reason, I took her seriously, even though she scared me half to death.
I pondered over that as I came to The Lab, the workspace/ house I share with my friend. I opened the door and breathed a sigh of relief as the familiar smells of faint burning and the spell books that covered half the walls with countless weird legendary magical items brought me home.
"Nice to see ya out of the hospital, Chase," Jack said, his cigarette bobbing up and down as he spoke.
"No thanks to you, mate, no calls, no visits, Ive been out of the loop for two bloody months." He grinned and slapped me on the back as I sat down on the couch. Its good to have my best friend back.
"So, a young girl jumps me on my way here, says something bad's coming," I told him as I lit a cigarette.
"Could mean nothing, and YOU shouldn't be smoking," he said taking the lighter and cigarette out of my hands.
" Something, or someone's coming, I can feel it Jack, and when did you start caring about my health."
"Since you decided to fight a werewolf of the first order and almost get yourself killed." "I almost get myself killed everyday, get some sleep, we have a new case tomorrow," I said and got up. "Chase! you just got out!" I grinned. Oh it felt good to be back.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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129,569 Literary Works • 671,508 Reviews
Hi Tallon45. Here to review your 2 chapters for review day.
- I think you should have an ‘I’m’ in front of ‘Finally’ at the beginning. Connect us to the reader immediately by letting us know that they’re talking to us.
- As Chaser has said, choose a tense that you’re most comfortable with and stick with it. It’s confusing when you switch between the two without a valid reason. I think present tense works best with your story but that’s up to you.
- Always remember to start a new line when somebody new is speaking.
- I like that you’ve left a lot of details out about who these demons are. It creates tension and intrigue. I just hope that you do fill us in on all the info later in the story.
- Your dialogue is very good. Effortless and natural. That’s very hard to achieve! Well done.
- Overall, I think this has really good potential. It doesn’t feel too cliche or samey. If you keep up with the natural dialogue, that will be great. Just fix a few problems with setting it out and tense and remember that you’re going to have to go into detail about the demons at some point!
On to Chapter 2!
Olive <3
Well, one thing I have to say is, you're very Tallonted. *dodges brick thrown at head*
Beginning with formatting, sadly, it's a bit confusing. The way this piece is written makes it sound like a journal entry, which is totally cool, but you're going to have to put the date at the top. (The reason it sounds like a journal entry is because you introduced it in present tense, but told the rest in past tense.) Otherwise, the tense shift can catch people off-guard. If you don't want that confusion, make everything past tense from your third paragraph onward.
In your third paragraph, there's a distinct lack of buildup. You introduced the setting at almost the same time as a major piece of action. My advice is to let the reader adjust to the setting of an alley. The information at the beginning of a story is often the most unfamiliar, so you might want to take a second to describe the alley (or Chase's thoughts regarding said alley) to allow the reader time to adjust to the setting. The stage is as important as what takes place upon it. But this is, in the end, a matter of personal style and opinion. Do as you please.
You may want to put some more detail into when Molly runs away and the Lab setting. I imagine that Tallon would be a bit stunned by the quick getaway, but you can decide his reaction. He should have one, though, whether he shrugs it off or stares after her. The Lab merits description, as I do not know what is there except for a couch. It's the lair of freaking monster hunters! There is so much cool potential here! But again, ultimately, you decide what merits description.
As has been said, your dialogue formatting is off. Each line of text said by a character besides the one who spoke last gets a new line.
Overall, this is a piece with some excellent (if a bit uninventive) foreshadowing, and it could be longer. I hope to see more of your work in the future. Cheers!
-Chaser
Hello!
This is a rather exciting and fast paced start to your novel, I really like it! Can't wait until Chapter two, so keep up the good work.
I have a few tips:
Check this 'bads' put an apostrophe in between the 'd' and 's' of this word, because you have combined and shortened the two words 'bad' and 'is'.
The same again with 'names' it's also a combo of words, so put an apostrophe between 'e' and 's'.
But other than those tiny points to change, it's very good start and I can't wait for Chapter 2!
LordofLit101
Hello!
This is a rather exciting and fast paced start to your novel, I really like it! Can't wait until Chapter two, so keep up the good work.
I have a few tips:
Check this 'bads' put an apostrophe in between the 'd' and 's' of this word, because you have combined and shortened the two words 'bad' and 'is'.
The same again with 'names' it's also a combo of words, so put an apostrophe between 'e' and 's'.
But other than those tiny points to change, it's very good start and I can't wait for Chapter 2!
LordofLit101
Hey there!
'Trying to mug me, kid? 'Cause it doesn't look like you're getting very far.'This seems like an interesting read when the rest of it comes out. I liked how nonchalant your main narrator for this chapter was and also the cliffhanger(ish) at the end. Though I would just like to point out:
Like what I did earlier, I think you should format this properly so the dialogue won't be so hard to understand, in the case of who's speaking. When you change speaker, that indicates a paragraph break to make it easier to read
You could also give your readers more of what your character's thinking, how old he is and how he looks like. More descriptions would also help catch your readers' attention and it would help them draw a better picture of what you're saying.
That's a wrap! I hope this was of help
Good luck with your further writings!
-Waltzing
This sounds like the beginning of a good story, your foreshadowing makes me want to know what is happening. There were only two things that confused me about your story though. Every time it said 'bads' was that supposed to be bad's? Then with some of the dialogue I wasn't sure who was talking. Besides those I like it, you should write more. :]