Young Writers Society

hello there

i wanna say that your poem is the best well-describing piece about depression out of all those i've read.WHY? because of all those details you gave,you used very simple vocabulary but enough to make the reader get the message,it's so true and can easily relate to .
i love the diversity and difference in images which you draw in my mind with every single line.
seems like i have no suggestions, great job talia

P.S use some punctuation.

keep writing

Hi Talia,

I know a poem about depression must be a difficult thing to write, if it is close to your heart. Personal pieces of work are always hard to articulate to an audience, even more so when you know some jerk like me is going to come in here and slam it down. Hopefully I'm not slamming too hard when I talk about the work. Please remember that comments on your poem are never comments on your personal experience! They are just comments on the writing itself and how THAT might improve.

With that little disclaimer, I'll begin. I think that while you have obviously some strong personal words here and the emotion kind of comes through, you're missing a lot. Most of what is missing could be added through imagery. We're getting a list here, one thing after another in a way which lacks a feeling of connection, which we need as an audience. Your first line is strong and nice to read, it has some detail and we can see that, but then your next line can lose us because it isn't nearly as interesting or as evocative.

I think what might help is if you attached an anecdote or an image with the line to elaborate on the feeling or the short idea we're getting. I know that might be even more difficult because it asks you to dig in and be more specific, but I think it would aid your poem. Your audience can make a lot of connections between concept, idea and execution but you might want to give them a little more than you are now, to give us something truly unique. The idea of the missing molecule, for example, is something I haven't seen before, that's a great idea, but it's kind of lost in that line by line statement structure you have going on.

If you love your current structure and stuff, feel free to ignore me! But I really think that elaborating a little more, adding some imagery and loosening up will help this poem improve.

Good luck with any editing!

- Penguin.

I totally relate to you. Thanks so much for making me feel better through your powerful writing. I am very touched to know that there is someone else going through the same thing as I am. The only thing that I would change and I am offended it the god-damned because my family are Christians. But otherwise, you truly touched on my heart-strings.

Hi, TaliaSankEden. I enjoyed reading this poem. You used a great way to portray depression. I myself am not very fond of the subject, but it does inspire great poetry. I don't think there's anything I didn't like. Good job, keep going!

I really like the dramatic element. But to some people the word God Damned is kinda offensive. Just so you are aware. But overall amazing work of art. I really feel it down in my soul. great scenery and words. But also I couldn't really tell if it was a story or a poem. But really amazing! I applaud you.

Hello Tay01 here with a little review about your dramatic and narrative poetry. Well overall, I kind of like it. It is ( if you know what it is ) more like a slam poetry. It's when things do not really rhyme and it is about expressing your own feelings with your own metaphors. I hope you sort of understand it now, as I am moving on to your poetry right after this sentence.

Well, to start with this is, as I said, a slam poetry which is quite at a high level. And as the title of this little poetry, yes, everything, as in everything is quite in your view. It is as if you are telling us what you are thinking of. Everything went quite well, but there is something though.

You tell too much about your feelings that this has a little, tiniest bit turned quite into a story. But I believe that other than that, it is quite alright and fine. i really liked this part:


I see it in the songs that strike a chord within me

In the unbreakable razors in my shower

I see it in the bottle in my nightstand

In every message on my phone

.


It is quite a nice part trying to show and express all your feelings at one.

'I see it in the songs that strike a chord within me.' that part was great. It is as if you are saying that you think of something, then something else comes to you and you see that something in that something else in you. ( Sorry if you do not understand a word I was trying to say there ).

However, I don't quite get this part,

"In every message on my phone."

It has nothing related to your phone. I know you are trying to say that you are seeing it everywhere. Took me a while to notice that. Try and add an 'Even". Like this:

"Even in every message on my phone."

Now that is more like it, alright? Thanks. Now I'm sorry if you start to think that I'm beginning to be a little bossy. I always do it when I get overexcited. But nothing else.

Now back to the title, the view from here. You are trying to say what you SEE. Not what other's can. If you say the view from here, you are saying that you, me, him, her, they, we, everybody, anybody, nobody can see it from there. Try taking this as a title instead:

"The View from My Point"

That will fit your slam poetry much, much better.

Well I guess that's all for now. So long, and keep on writing, because it only gets better.