Every day you look in the mirror and find dissatisfaction
But every day you look in the mirror you hope for a new reaction
But the reflection stays the same, and the image becomes blurred
By the sharp memory of a harsh glance or unkind word
But you are not defined by the extra skin that folds over
You are not defined by a surreal, intangible number
You are defined by the things that make you distinctly you
You are defined by how you live and what you do
While outward appearance is not means to identify,
I reject out of hand that a person is more than meets the eye
Because what makes an individual truly individual can't be seen at all
A body meets the eye, but a person meets the soul
You are not controlled by the emptiness of your reflection
Because numbers, letters, and faces cannot be a definition
It seems stupid to trust in what withers, fades, and dies
When immortal are the things where true importance lies.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello! I thought I'd take a look at this for you
I really like this line. You don't even need to define what that number is and I love how it could be weight or height and either too much or too little of either. The line about extra skin folding over was very specific but this pulls it back very nicely and allows more people to relate.Specifics
1. I think the second line should start with 'And' rather than but as the sentence is accumulative. It's adding to the dissatisfaction rather than contradicting it, if you understand me? I feel that would make the But on line three much more powerful as well.
2. Good rhyme scheme. There's a nice use of half rhymes and that makes it flow very smoothly.
3. I think it would help the formatting if you broke this into stanzas - start a new one every four lines. This would support the rhyming couplets pattern you're using and just give the reader something that's easier on the eye and easier to follow.
4.
5. This line is very nice as well.
6. This line is not strong and feels really out of place because until this one, all your other lines are imperative and commanding. That use of the word seems really throws off the balance and adds a level of uncertainty which makes your message weaker. Maybe try 'How foolish it is to trust in what withers, fades and dies'.
7. I'd suggest re-wording this to 'When immortal things are where true importance lies'
Overall
This is a lovely piece with a strong message and a powerful flow. Keep it up!
Heather xx
This was a very interesting piece! I tried to draw my eyes from it but found I could not stop reading!
The first little nitpick I found was the repetitive use of the word "but" in the beginning of the poem. As much as I like the freestyle flow of this, the reptition is only okay when either every line begins with "but" or every other line does. Just pointing that out
I also felt this sentence was a bit awkward (although I loved it!) :
"You are defined by the things that make you distinctly you."
I think that "distinctly" does not match what you are talking about in this poem adequately, so it sounds quite awkward. I would change it to "uniquely" or "individually."
As picky as I am, I cannot find any more nitpicks than that, so amazing job!
You have a great, emotional piece here. Keep on writing!