Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
Listen
to the World inside my head
to the thoughts
Scattered
Sprinkled
through the folds of insanity
Watch me put a word upon a page -
Can you hear me now?
.
Listen
to the beating of my gnarled Heart
to the hurt
Tucked
Twisted
in the deepest chasm of my soul.
Watch me put a razor to the skin -
Can you hear me now?
.
Listen
to the light dance from my Eyes at last
to the screams
Festered
Fixed
upon the scars that dare not heal
Watch me put a bullet through my brain -
Can you hear me now?
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140,703 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
Very deep and emotional. I especially liked the message it was sending. I had a minor problem with the vocabulary you used in the second verse. Instead of "inside my head." You could have used "within my head." But, aside from that very small problem it was an amazing poem.
Nightmare's overall rating: 5 out of 5 stars. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!
Aouther2b here excited to review this wonderful piece.
What I liked:
1. The emotion behind it. Without using many words you were able to convey the hurt, the anguish and the pain behind this persons eyes. I think that is often hard to do without being too cliche.
2. The structure. With this kind of topic you can skim over it by making it too short or cause it to drag on by being too long. Your length is just right. In the way you structure the stanzas consistency is key. Be it free flowing or rigid outline, as long as it doesn't very throughout the piece you have done well. The two lines with just one word are great, plus i am a sucker for alliteration.
What I didn't like:
1. The Repetition. Okay so this is more of a personal thing. Some people will argue against it, and don't take my word as the only one on it. I think that you could have picked different words to start each stanza. "Listen" works for two of the three stanzas. You could explore the idea that the other senses are involved in these feelings. Seeing the light go from someone's eyes makes more sense than hearing it. Feeling or Touching someone's scars that don't heal has much more power. You talk little about the things we hear after the first stanza and it more about what we see, you could definitely expand on it, just by thinking of using a different sense.
The subject matter is definitely intense. As someone who has had all of these feelings, you capture them really well. I love this piece a lot, but it needs more development with more input. Great Job and Keep Writing.