Music To my Ears, Page 29-33

Hello! I'm here to review.

All right. I don't know if this is a screenplay or a stage play, so I'll try to give you some critiques for both mediums.

First of all, the scenes are very short. Realistically, in a film (or in a play-- this would be much harder to do in a play) you're not going to want to switch between scenes every two or three lines, which is what you're doing here. There needs to be purpose in every scene, and in every scene change (when I say "scene change," I'm referring to when you say "CUT TO:"). Have more purpose and more character development in each scene.

In the first part, you have Giselle running out of the room. However, in the stage directions, there is no mention of Giselle. Make sure you include all the characters in the scene in the stage directions.

I don't understand. Are they playing at a dance? I thought at first that they were just practicing, which really confused me. It might have been cut off from the earlier page, but it still confused me.

I feel like Melody doesn't have much motivation to just say what she says about Giselle. I think she would do it before the song if anything-- if she has a desire so strong to say something that she would say it on stage, she wouldn't wait till the song was over. Also, you should write out the songs in the script, if you want it to be original. If not, you should describe the type of song that everyone might play.

I don't know if I would describe the color of the set in the script. Let the director have some artistic choice instead of imposing it on him.

Giselle is being much more of a witch in the bathroom than I think is realistic. Most people would at least try to understand that Melody was trying to help, but Giselle is depicted as a rather flat character here with not much emotional range. Emotional range in characters is a powerful thing, and the full range of emotions can be shown off in one scene. Slow this scene down, and make something change instead of showing what is already happening.

Why did Melody get detention? She didn't do anything wrong. Nothing she said was offensive. Is there something she did earlier in the script that I'm missing?

The principal's decision changes too quickly. Make him actually kick Giselle out, then somehow get her back in. Create more tension here, then make everything okay in the end somehow. Scripts need as much conflict as possible to keep the audience interested.

Giselle's feelings towards Melody change too quickly, also. She has motivation, but it is rather weak if she was so angry at Melody earlier. And really, would Melody want to be friends with Giselle if she reacted that poorly earlier to Melody helping her? I wouldn't.

All together, I suggest you slow everything down and leave room for character development because right now, everything feels fake and forced because your characters don't seem real.

Here's something that might help you. With each of your characters, figure out what their goal is, what their obstacles are to achieving that goal, what tactics they can use to pass the obstacle, and what they expect to get when they achieve their goal. This is called GOTE (goal, obstacle, tactics, expectation), and it really helps create in depth, believable characters. It might take a while, but you'll be pleased, and be able to think more about your characters when you are writing them. I also suggest making biographies for your characters, so you know what's happened to them, and what's going to happen.

I hope you continue to work on this. I think it can turn into something really good. I hope this was useful to you! Happy writing!

Page four:

"MELODY can retake the midterms?"

Hello!

That was shorter than I thought it would be. Anyway...

I only noticed two things that just didn't seem likely.

1. Melody got detention. Why? Yeah, I know, she said that Giselle shouldn't have been kicked out. But why would that get her detention? She didn't do anything wrong...

2. The... entire... ending... Ok, do you think a student would really be allowed to stay in school just because her friends wanted her to? No. The principal would NEVER agree that easily. Obviously you need some sort of ending, however. Perhaps instead Giselle could be allowed to re-take the finals, and have her grades averaged together, so she gets a B or something?

Hope this helped!

Dominusatramentum

I'll get to this, promise. I really do need to do my hw though.