Okay, so I've written a longer screenplay, and I've decided to put it up in chunks. Here is the first part, pages 1-14.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxlkaGVj2itcSmw5YWFpMmkxZ0E/edit?usp=sharing
UPDATE: Grammar fixes.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
InuRa here for a review.
Literary comments:
1. i thought that it was really great opening, but i don't really understand what was going on at first. Then I understood. Great idea leaving it up to interpretation.
2. I go to an arts school to, so I was able to relate to this.
Conclusion
In conclusion this was a great story. it will take me a long time to write a review for the other pages though.
~InuRa signing out
Thanks!
Hey there icannothearthings! Pompadour here to review as requested! I'll be reviewing in the usual way, so lemme go over the technical stuff first.
Technical
OK, to be honest, I've never written a screenplay myself. I've gone for a couple of school plays, but I don't know much when it comes to screen writing. So I'll just stick to critiquing the dialogue instead, yeah?
Overall
Wait, are you trying to poke fun at stereotypes by writing about stereotypes? Because if that's the case then you're doing a pretty good job. I'd suggest you post the actual script on YWS instead of the link, since that makes it easier to review. I found myself chuckling near the end, but I can't help feeling as though Melody is kinda transparent. She's a blushing, flushing tomato! I'd suggest you add a bit of character to her, even if you are going for a stereotype. even stereotypes have character, after all. Also, create at least one contrary character; someone who doesn't contribute to stereotypes. I feel that that would add a firmer foundation to your story.
Overall, brilliant work! Keep it up! Keep writing!
I hope this helped.
Cheers,
~Pompadour
I'll change those little grammar bits.
Yes, the stereotypes thing is correct.
About the script, YWS can'y upload PDFs
And about Melody, I'll work on her.
Thanks!
For starters, this was very well written. It was a little unexpected, as I am used to writing comic book scripts, which read a little more like a script for a play, while yours was definitely more like a movie script. Your characters and the dialogue are very believable, and the conversations flow pretty naturally. The only part I had any problem with was the section toward the end where time passes so quickly and abruptly. From swimsuits to the New Years concert. I could see it after re-reading it, but it still seemed confused at first. Overall however, a very good start to a nice teen slice-of-life story!
The scene at the end was a montage, but thank you! I'm typing up part two now.
Yeah, I kind of figured that out after thinking about it from a movie script p.o.v.
Looking forward to part two!
Thanks! Parts 2 and 3 are up.
Last one!
Since it's in the Green Room, I have to write a half-decent review. Ok.
First, Melody's clothes. Ok. I get that she loves music, and that her name is Melody. All the music stuff is cute. But four things is over-doing it a little. I think just one would do.
Next, Giselle says, "What're here for?" On page 5. Should be "What're you here for?" I'm not going to point out all the grammar mistakes, though, because there are A LOT.
Page 3: "Asher smiles creepily." What? Why? Is this because he's ginger? Anyway, why isn't Melody affected by the creepiness of his smile? And why would you even add this in anyway?
You have about two pages of a montage. I think just a few scenes would be enough to show that they are friends.
Ok, it's a pretty short review, but I gave you some decent advice. I think that's good. It probably doesn't help that it's almost midnight. Oh well. If you would like some more advice, I will gladly tell you at school.
1. JUST TRYING TO MAKE IT QUEERER
2. Kk
3. It's a stereotype. He's all: Perfect class President! (Smile, wink)
4. The reason it's so long is because of all the locations and descriptions.
Thanks!
1. Why do you want to make it queer?
2. Umm... I don't know what do say here.
3. That's still weird...
4. Still, I estimated the time in my head. It's a bit long.
Hellooooooo
This is not a review by the way.
Just my thoughts while reading.
Maybe I'll write a review later. If I feel like it.
Here we go:
I didn't know you ever went to Westerhoff!
The writers are using... typewriters?
Of course Alex decides to show off her German.
Guitar, viola, drums… and she also plays the piano and sings... Hmm... What a coincidence that those are all the instruments you play...
NOW POST THE NEXT PART
BAHH
I've never been to Westerhoff, I just like the outside.
IT'S A STEREOTYPE, making fun of writing.
Um, yes.
I want Will, Liv, Chloe, and someone who plays the guitar to be in it. It's also easier to write for things I play.
Ok.
NOW POST THE REST
No, review all of my pieces!
Oh. I meant all of the parts of "Music to my Ears..."