Kambili-chapter one (edited version)

One.

The sky was so dark that night and there were no stars in sight.

I lay on the driveway, my legs akimbo in a pile of my own vomit. My sequin dress had ridden up gloriously, exposing my thighs in the bright light of the street lamps. I attempted to roll over and secure some of my dignity but pain shot up my spine. I could feel my entire body vibrating from the music.

What the hell’s happened to me?

I rolled slightly to the right, feeling the granite. Some kids were gathered around a small black Toyota, laughing and drinking. A few vague memories flashed by: Five of us sharing a beer Rotimi had stolen from his dad’s fridge, dancing in the lounge with some friends, in the bathroom with this boy that was shorter than I was for 7 minutes in heaven; the groping, the kissing, the gagging; rushing out here to throw up in the rose bush and the pulpy taste of Ribena residue. I probably passed out for a few minutes.

There on the floor, I had one of those life-flashing-before-your-eyes moments. Except my thoughts were limited to that day. I could taste the cornflakes I had for breakfast, I could see the colourful shirts hanging on the clothesline in Ginika’s house, The look on her mum’s face when she laughed.

Thinking about Ginika, I raised my head in the way you do when you’ve just had a bad dream, wondering where she was.

And there she was, in the middle of some boys, slightly out of place. One of them was talking and gesturing wildly about something and she was laughing hard, clutching her drink, in the way that meant she didn’t find it funny.

Adeniyi was fiddling with her hair and she giggled, pushed him away but not enough to mean she didn’t like it. Two years ago, we would have been rolling our eyes at that. Maybe we would have been braiding each other’s hair and she would have paused in the middle of a braid to oil her hands with more Soulmate and she would have said, ‘Can you imagine the idiot?’ Back then when boys were still a taboo and we used to listen to what mummy told us and we were still best friends.

Someone ran past me. One of the twins; Taiwo or Kehinde.

He stopped and took a few steps bacl, peering down to figure out who it was.

I was suddenly very self-conscious. My braids were all about my face and my eyes were probably puffy and my dress was stained. I really needed him to go away.

“Kambili, are you okay?” I shook my head, no. “What’s wrong? Jesus, how much did you drink?” I wanted to say: I’m hurt and I have a headache and my best friend has abandoned me and I want to go home. I managed a weak smile. “What time is it?” I asked. He shrugged. “Not sure. It should be like 10:30 now.” We just stared at each other and I stood up. He nodded and walked quickly away.

It’s a funny thing how we can think about so many things at once. As I walked slowly back, I thought about how I didn’t want to be there and how I didn’t fit in and why had I let Ginika bring me, in fact I’m never talking to her again and I just needed to get home before midnight.

I pushed the side door slightly but it didn’t go all the way. I stuck my head behind it and there was a couple, really going at it. The right thing, the normal thing to do would have been to walk away quickly. But I stood there, watching them for a few minutes. How their lips intertwined and how she held onto the back of his neck. I was in such shock/awe. A balloon popped and they stopped.I put my head down and walked briskly away, like I had something to do.

In the main living room, everyone was gathered around a huge blue cake. It had candles and a huge ‘18’ on it. Rotimi’s mum was ushering everyone together, “Closer, closer” and taking pictures. Someone made a comment and the others laughed. The couple joined in the photo and everyone was smiling and linking arms and saying “Cheese”. I waited for someone to either notice me standing there, halfway behind the glass door or to notice I wasn’t in the picture. They didn’t.

Suddenly I just really needed to get away from there. I tried to feel my way to the bathroom and nearly tripped over some stairs. I made my way past a door, into the guest room. I didn’t turn on the light. I just sat at the edge of the bed, hugging my knees. The bathroom door was open so I went it. On the left, there was a small tub with the shower curtain spread across. I stared at the bath tub for some time. Then without thinking, I drew the shower curtain and climbed in.

I’m not sure how long I sat there. I sat with my knees bent and my right arm across my eyes. I fell asleep thinking of nothing and I woke up to my back cramping and the sound of someone peeing.

I peeked out of the shower curtain but I couldn’t tell who it was. He squirted some soap unto his hands and lathered ever so slowly and he even went between the fingers and under the nails. He rinsed and turned on the lights. I was slightly amused at this point. He looked in the mirror and cocked his head, smoothening his eyebrows. Then, he spotted me.There could be no explanation for this.

I had this image of how ridiculous I probably looked, sitting here half smiling in a bath tub and I burst out laughing.

Refusing to be the awkward one, I sighed and sat up. “I was hoping you’d just leave.” I said. I attempted to stand up and slid back down. He coughed, uncertainly but did not look away. “Well, I was here first.”After another failed attempt, he gave me a freshly cleaned hand and I stepped out.

We were both unsure of what to say. I was straightening my dress and trying to keep a straight face. He had really high hair cut that was sort of flattened on top like he had been balancing books on his head. “Are you alright?” He asked. His voice was deep and warm and wonderful and it gave me goose bumps. “Yeah”, I croaked, and coughed. He cocked his head. He didn’t go to our school. “I’m fine, it’s fine. I could just leave. I’m about to go home anyway.” I looked around as if I had dropped something. He looked away and then looked back. “It’s okay. Neither of us seems to have been enjoying the party.”

He sat on the edge of the bathtub and got out a lighter. “You smoke?” I said in disbelief. Smoking seemed like one of those things you saw on TV but never actually saw. “Do you see a cigarette?” He asked, slightly amused. I felt stupid. He was dark skinned and when he looked down, his eye lashes fanned his cheekbones.

His fingers played with the lighter, rapidly flicking the cap back and forth. It made a low, metallic clicking sound. The small fire was exposed and then it was not. Fire, no fire, fire, no fire. In truth there was no cigarette. I have no idea why I did not just leave. “So you like to just play with cigarette lighters.” I said. Fact, not question. His gaze left me again and he looked at the lighter, as if he was just seeing it for the first time. “Some people bite their nails, others chew their lip. I play with my lighter.”

I was convinced he was slightly mad. “Why?” I asked. I sat cross legged on the floor, staring at the square patterns. “Why not?” He answered. I nodded, like that clarified everything. “I like your T-shirt.” It was black and it had “Dear God comma” written on it. “Yeah?” He looked down at it. “Thanks.” He offered no more information, like where he had got it, how old it was…

We both sat silently, unawkwardly. He wore purple contacts.

“Why did you come here?” he asked. I looked down at my folded legs. I shrugged. “Felt like” I said to my thighs. “I saw you.” he said. “Standing at the door. I wanted to call out and tell you to join in but then you left. Why didn’t you join in?”

He noticed.

I shrugged, again.

“I don’t know”

He sniffed. “You should look people in the eye when you talk. You’ve got really nice eyes.”

I looked up and laughed, very manically . “Except the left one’s kind of lazy, like you’re half asleep.”

The said eyes widened. “It is not lazy!”

“Do your teachers always think you’re sleeping in class?” He laughed and put away the lighter.

I examined the eye in the mirror, convinced he was messing with me.

“You should talk to your friend… Ginika right?” He said, suddenly serious. “Why?” I was so confused, that was so abrupt. He paused a little, thinking of what to say. “She’s a bit…I don’t know. All my mates downstairs have passed her around. Her dress is probably dirty from all their hands. It’s just a little uncomfortable watching. She just keeps drinking and…it’s somehow abeg. You just need to talk to her.” I laughed a little. He thinks she would listen to me. Not in this life.

“Why do you care? I bet you’re just like the rest of them.” I was partly joking. He looked up again. “Don’t do that. Don’t slot me into that category you have in your head of older boys. I’m not one of those boys your mum warned you about. I would never do something like that with a girl that’s so vulnerable. Ah! I fear Baba God if you don’t. Jesus take me to heaven hallelujah, amen.” He resumed flicking his lighter.

Jesus this boy is crazy. I laughed again, falling to the tiled floor.

I was a little startled. My brain had finally begun functioning again. I smoothed down my hair and my eyebrows, grimaced at my now exposed imperfect face and made my way for the door.

“So this is how you play me? We start talking and you leave me sitting on the edge of a bath tub and then you walk out? So I’m like a crazy person yeah?!” He tried to imitate a serious face but then I laughed.

In the smaller living room, below the bright lights, some girls were passed out on the floor. I pitied them for when their mother’s heard. Ginika appeared and dragged my arm. She was swaying and she reeked of drink. “Kambili! I’ve been looking for you since.” She hadn’t. “Eniola’s driver will soon leave. He’s meant to drop us at your house. Have you forgotten? Come, let’s go. This party is rubbish sef.” She sniffed and her mascara ran down her face, making her tears black. “Have you seen my bag?” I asked. She shrugged and dabbed at her eyes.

I tucked a braid behind my ear and looked around for it. I was on my knees, bum in the air, searching under the couch when cigarette lighter came out, dangling my bag from his arm. “Aunty mi, is this yours?” I did not even remember leaving that there. I looked up, flipped my hair back and sat back on my knees. “Yeah” I said, embarrassed. “You left it there when you were rushing to escape me.” I could see Ginika’s eyes going back and forth between the both of us. I took it and walked away. “Thank you”, I said. I couldn’t leave fast enough. His eyes bored into my back as we walked away.

A Mercedes jeep was parked in front of the house and the driver horned for us to hurry up. “You guys have fun?” Niyi asked. He sat on the front steps, left leg over right, sipping Pepsi. I turned around and gave him a small, polite smile. “Thank you for coming.” Ginika kept walking like she never heard him. I thought I heard him laugh. He said something mangled and I heard the word “slut”. Ginika had started to cry and she sprinted to the car.

I climbed in the back next to Ginika and shut the door. The driver sped out of the black gates. Eniola turned up the air conditioner and changed the radio station. Ginika’s crying had become louder. I glanced at her and sighed, pulling my best friend into my arms. She sobbed into my lap and I played with her hair.

We were young and we wanted so badly to be free. There’s a certain thrill, doing things your parents would kill you for if they found out. Especially as, they hide and restrict us so much. “Girls, close your legs!” “Boys, don’t bring home a pregnant girl o!” In some ways, I don’t blame Ginika and IJ and the rest for what they do. The car turned unto third Mainland Bridge and I dozed off.