Muna stared at herself in the mirror. Sometimes she still wondered if she was mad for calling Mr.Ikechukwu . Immediately after calling him, she had informed her mother and of course, she threw a pandemonium. She had insisted Muna pack all her best ankara and uli powder. Muna could not see sense in all the fuss. The man had liked her when she was sweaty and from the stream, why should that change?
Taking a deep breath, she opened a wrapper in the corner and began applying powder on her face. She kept ranting in her head. "Muna oga diri gi nma" (Muna , all will be fine) .
Striking a pose, she admired the beautiful hair her mum had called sister Obi to do. Her hair was in big braids entwined with silver thread into a cute bun. She almost felt like a princess. She sighed at herself once more in the mirror and turned away.
Once she left the bathroom, she was overwhelmed with all the family members in her parlour. She wrinkled her brow at all the familiar but unwelcome faces. "Muna nwam, We have called the elders. Hasi kaha bia fu gi." (they say they should come and see you). Muna mentally rolled her eyes. She knew why all these people were here.They would pinch her cheeks with familiar cries of "I carried you when you were born" and "Buy us things from the city oo!" or even "I'm that your uncle!" Did they think going to the city automatically meant you were A-class? Life was about hard work. Blood, sweat and tears went put into success. They thought just going to the city, even if it was working as a mechanic meant you were as rich as the president. It was the unfortunate result of illiteracy and poverty that had left her village in this dire state.Mentally, she shook her head at the elders. They stood there with their red caps and horse tails; wearing the most expensive material and receiving respect and honour for their "wisdom". At heart these were poor men who sent their kids off to the city to get them rich and eat from their labours. Muna respected these people for their age and nothing more.
She managed a tight smile and shuffled her way past them. Her mum had enough palm wine and kola nuts to sustain the money-hungry bastards. Reaching her room, she grabbed her ghana-must-go bag. Looking over the bare room she had shared with Zimife, she smiled at the wrapper they had fought for on cold nights and thrown at each other on hot nights. The wrapper was worn and torn with long ago faded patterns. Turning around, she shut the door firmly behind her. This part of her life was over and she wasn't returning.
She dragged the bag out side and set it in the waiting car. Turning around to brush herself off, she noticed Emeka behind a bush signalling to her. Ensuring there was no one around, she hurried towards him. Climbing in the bush , she crouched low. "What are you doing here jare?"
Emeka put a finger to her lips. "I didn't want a public goodbye. I wanted us to enjoy our last moment together in peace so that whenever you are alone, you will forever feel my presence with you."
He reached into his back pocket and brought out a carving of them on their first day in SS1. The carving was very small and made Muna's head look large but she loved it all the same. She remembered that day so vividly. She had her hair back in untidy braids and was in her over-size uniform. She had been so self conscious about everything but Emeka had pulled her aside to the huge mahogany tree. He made her laugh and shared some of his moi moi with her. She even remembered the way he made sure they precisely divided the egg in the middle of the moi moi between them both.They skipped some classes and talked. At the end of the day, he retrieved a stencil knife and made the carving of the both of them.
Muna's eyes filled with tears as she knew Emeka wasn't usually one for sentimental objects but he had decided to dig this up for them. She flung herself at him and hugged him tight clutching his shirt, too scared to let go. Just as she was about to withdraw, he whispered in her ear 'I love you." With that, he got up and ran into the bushes.
Not being able to clean her tears as fast as they had fallen, she walked to the car. She hugged her mother good bye and kissed her sister's head "Behave yourself oo!" Zimife giggled and Muna managed a smile.
Sister Obi emerged from the house. "Nwam biagodi." (My child, come oh.) Muna ran to the plump woman and hugged her tight. Sister Obi peered into her eyes. "Take this kola nut. Always remember where you come from. No matter how much money out there, remember us in your heart okay? Nwam, ebela akwa. Ga wa." (My child don't cry. Go ahead now.)
Turning back on her family for what she hoped would not be the last time, she entered the car that would take her far away from the only family and the only life she knew.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey there!
Nice to know you've updated! I, Brunnera, shall now review on the third chapter of this story.
It's wonderful now the title is correct! Makes the title nicer to read. Anyway, on to the content.
" (...) She had insisted Muna pack all her best ankara and uli powder. [Muna could not see see sense in all the fuss.] The man had liked her when she was sweaty and from the stream, why should that change? "
Well, there are two 'see' in that sentence. This was perhaps a mistake, just remove one 'see' and it'll be fine.
" Taking a deep breath, she opened a wrapper in the corner and [brought out some powder to apply.] "
Try replacing that with (applied some powder onto her face).
" "Muna oga diri gi nma" (Muna , all will be fine) she struck a pose and looked at the beautiful hair her mum had called sister Obi to do. "
After the translation, a new paragraph should start, and "she" should be "She". Besides that, instead of "looked at the beautiful hair", try being a bit more creative with your words. Maybe using (admired her beautiful hair) can entice the reader better.
" Ensuring there was no one around, she hurried towards him. Climbing in the bush beside him, she crouched low. "What are you doing [her] jare?" Emeka put a finger to her lips. "I didn't want a public goodbye. I wanted us to enjoy our last moment together in peace so that whenever you are alone, you will forever feel my presence with you." "
There's a typo in this paragraph. "here", not "her", and there should be a new paragraph before Emeka's name.
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I don't know what else to find wrong with this draft, I guess I'm too lost in its beauty to even notice.
This was an emotional chapter, especially since it was the part where Muna finally leaves her family to head into the city, to make something of herself. I liked how it started, all the way down to when she left.
By the way, I insist you keep the foreign language and translations. Some readers don't like it, but that just means those kind of people are not used to reading stories where the characters are of different origin from their own!
Keep the foreign language, and keep the transitions. It gives me a more traditional and realistic point of view of Muna's situation. I also like how the foreign language is in italic format, it eases me to differ it from their own words to English.
I adored the short flashback into Muna's childhood. All those moments where it seemed so ridiculous and meaningless soon comes back to us as one of the most precious memories we will ever have. It really sent a fuzzy feeling to my heart.
Oh and when the elders came to her house, that part was humorous. It's so true! So many relatives would come, pinch my cheeks till they hurt and then say cheesy stuff like that. I also liked Muna's mentality, how you wrote:
" Did they think going to the city automatically meant you were A-class? Life was about hard work. Blood, sweat and tears went put into success. They thought just going to the city, even if it was working as a mechanic meant you were as rich as the president. It was the unfortunate result of illiteracy and poverty that had left her village in this dire state. "
The pure honesty and gripping reality in these sentences were breathtaking.
My favourites part was nearing the ending, when Muna hugged Sister Obi, and when Obi gave her advice.
" Sister Obi peered into her eyes. "Take this kola nut. Always remember where you come from. No matter how much money out there, remember us in your heart okay? Nwam, ebela akwa. Ga wa." (My child don't cry. Go ahead now.) "
Just sent a sharp pang into my heart...I can't imagine parting with the people I love.
By the way, do you know how portfolios work? O_O Usually if you keep chapters of The Sun Will Rise Again in the same portfolio, the chapters will be easier to access, and links to the first and second chapter will appear on the side of the screen as I read this third chapter. Create one portfolio, entitled (for example) "TSWRA", and every time you upload a chapter of this story, be sure to submit all chapters under the same folder.
Anyway, I look forward to Muna's adventure of self-discovery and romance! Keep up the good work!
Thanks so much. I wonder if you read the first one? I might not be able to update a lot because I'm going back to boarding school this friday but thanks for all your help:D
Okay so I'm commenting on my book. Before reading this maybe you would like to read my other two chapters to avoid you confusion. Also, many people have been commenting on the translations. Would you like me to remove them and let y'all guess what it means? Its not published so I can't put the translations any place else. Thanks for reading.
I honestly think you should take it into Resources and ask the people there.
I honestly think you should take it into Resources and ask the people there.
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
What I really liked about this would be the constant flow of description and dialogue throughout. Truth be told, some of it was a bit stilted in spots, but it really didn't take away from the beauty of it all.
That aside, it would be nice to see the descriptions a little more flowing and not as much telling going on as there is at the moment. As I said before, it didn't take away from the beauty of this, but it was mildly distracting in some parts. So try and do more showing and keep your sentences flowing more into each other and the problem should be fixed in no time.
What I really don't really like about this, is the constant translation of the dialogue. Now obviously we're going to have to know what this person is saying, but I just absolutely hate the speech being in parentheses. It takes away from everything, and is very distracting. Foreign speech is pretty cool, but I really don't see the point of putting the translation in parentheses. But truth be told, I can't really think of a way to get around it either. I don't know the storyline for this book, so I can't make any helpful suggestions in terms of that. But it would be cool if there was like another person who would translate for her or something, or since this is being written in English, just mention that she's thinking in this certain language but the text itself is in English. Just a thought of mine. Like I said, I don't know how this storyline of yours works, so it would be best to probably ask somebody who is reviewing this consistently for you, or ask about it in Resources.
Here I spotted a wee bit of redundancy. There's a couple more spots like this throughout the piece, but I thought I'd use this one as an example. In order to really avoid redundancy, it's probably best to get in the habit of picking it out as you proofread through. Typically, you can just read it aloud to yourself and the redundant parts will stick out as you go.
This was phrased a bit funny in my opinion. Maybe switch the two familiar and unwelcome around and play with it a bit? When writing you should also try and make sure the order of your words are in the exact correct order. So if you have the order of verbs, nouns, adjectives, or whatever, off in your sentence, then it could ruin the entire beauty of the actual sentence. So just proofreading will help really.
Typo
Just a typo that I thought I should point out.
Insert hyphen here.
Woohoo! Cool name, if I may say so! What I see here is pretty obvious. Periods are in different spots, than where they should be. A quick edit is all it needs.
One thing I would like to talk to you about is paragraphing. Now a paragraph is one idea. I mean, typically this idea is usually around three to five sentences, because if you go longer than that, then you might lose your reader's attention. But the length doesn't really matter in the long run, as long as it is truly composed of that one idea. Some of your paragraphs aren't composed of just one idea. I saw around two or three that had around two to three ideas in them. Generally it takes a bit of practice to get it right, but looking at this, it shouldn't be that big of a problem for you to fix it up. Just remember this: One paragraph=one single idea. You can't go wrong if you keep that in mind for the future.
Alright, I guess my main pet peeve for this would the telling and not enough showing, really. It didn't give me that good of a picture when you did telling. So just try and focus on that in the future.
OK! I think I'm done for now. Let me know if you have any questions, and I'll be sure to answer them, as soon as I can. xD
Keep writing!
~Cricket
You haven't read my other two chapters so I don't think there is much I can do about you not get the "showing" I think when you read them maybe you'll be able to get it better. If I font put translations, you wouldn't understand. This isn't a published book so its not like I can put them at the back of the book or whatever. There are people farmiliar with the language but I did it to help those who don't understand it.
What I meant by the showing wasn't the storyline being shown clearly. Rather you need to look at your description and you're just telling us what everything looks like, without any showing at all. I mean saying "MC laughed" is an example of telling and not showing. See what I mean?