The last night of every month a forest appears. With this forest comes magic, spirits and the dead. Many humans think they have a hold on the reality of all worlds, but they are so wrong. There is nothing colorful or shiny about magic. The dead don’t limp around as rotting corpses. Spirits don't look a thing like humans unless transformed. Spirits are all powerful beings meant to be feared, forced to supress their powers with masks if they wish to remain isolated. They perform rituals in order to remain existent in our world. Otherwise they would not have the strength to exist among so many of the living.
But there is really nothing to worry about, the only way to find the forest is to already know where it is. Well, there is another way, but you’d have to be really, really lost.
Max could remember every word his older brother had told him of the forest. Everytime he was alone he could hear them, reverberating throughout his skull.
Shaina’s endless jabbering brought him back to the present, but he was far too bored to listen. He hadn’t wanted to go in the first place; festivals and summer just wasn’t his thing.
His friends dragged him from booth to booth ignoring his obvious annoyance. Why had they made him do this again? They knew he hated social events and the heat of summer, so why bother with him? Easy, they thought he needed a night out to rid him of his summer blues. Might have worked better if they just let him be.
A variety of things were being sold throughout the festival. He remembered buying some cotton candy but he couldn’t remember eating it. He lost several times at the ring toss and other games, not like it really mattered. There had been more booths of course, but he paid them no mind. They weren’t nearly as interesting as the next booth over.
He hadn’t planned on spending any of his money, and he hadn’t wanted to spend it on a mask that he didn’t need. If you asked him why he would shrug and move on. First he had been walking around and trying to kill some time, next he knew he was wearing a silver fox mask. Something about it had just called to him. Whether it was the simple design or the gracefulness of the inlay, it didn’t really matter. He couldn't remember the vendor's face, just that it had been a woman, let alone remember the price of the damned thing.
There was no use getting upset over it, what was done was done, he couldn’t give it back. Max sighed his resignation, he might as well try to enjoy the festival. Slumped, he turned to his friends behind him. No one, they had abandoned him for a fan vendor six booths down.
Max sucked in his gut and did his best to maneuver through the sea of people. He was elbowed, shoved, stepped on and even hit in the shin by some old lady’s cane. Holding his bruised shin Max realized that his friends had moved yet again.
He did a quick sweep of the festival grounds, there was no sign of them. Wonderful, he was lost in a sea of sweaty stinky people at a festival in the middle of the night. Even if he escaped he would have no idea how to make it back home. If he wanted any chance of making it home he would need to find his friends.
Desperately Max pushed through the crowd, his heart pounding. He went around in circles, triangles and squares for what seemed to be hours. Breathing deeply he collapsed onto an old wooden bench, sweat beaded on his brow. He closed his eyes trying to recollect his focus, this was taking a lot more work than he would have liked. It was about time to leave, he couldn’t spend too much time sitting around doing nothing. His eyes flew open and what he saw was absolutely impossible. Before him where a ton of people had once swarmed, stood a giant forest.
No, there had been another, but he had never been able to find it. Well, at least not until now.
Yes, he remembered it now, or at least some of it. His mother’s boyfriend had hit him for getting rid of all his alcohol. He remembered running, it hadn’t mattered where, just as long as it was far. Eventually he had ended up in this very forest, small and scared. He had sat there for hours, crying and screaming for his mother. No one came or heard him, that or no one cared, so he screamed his voice hoarse. Even when he could cry no more, the tears still fell, but then a woman had come. Raven black hair, pulled back into a thick braid, she was beautiful even in memory. Her name was Lyra, and even though she had no idea who he was, she had been kind. With no knowledge of his name, she had calmed his sobs and tears until they turned to joyful giggles.
He remembered playing with her for hours and hours. Undoing her hair and then learning to put it back up just as well. He told her about his life and his father, his real one. She never spoke of herself, and instead listened intently to his stories. There had been flowers too, tons surrounding where they had sat. Max could just imagine what someone would have seen if looking on as a complete stranger. To people laughing, one holding a crown made of flowers trying with great effort to teach the other, she hadn’t been very good with her hands. So being the young and impatient boy he had been, he had made one for her. Then as the sun had started to set he waved goodbye and was on his way home, wondering why she looked so sorrowful.
The next day after school he had skipped his way back home, enthusiastic about going back and telling Lyra about school. He walked, soon his steps turned to skips, and then an all out run. No matter how far he went in any direction he saw no sign of a forest. Several days passed with no success whatsoever and he had decided Lyra and the forest had been a dream. But sure enough, here he was in the forest that he had lost so long ago.
A strange sound broke through his thoughts. It wasn’t necessarily loud, but it wasn’t so quiet it went unnoticed. It was a low hum that echoed through the otherwise silent night, covering Max’s mind in a haze. His thoughts were jumbled and confused, up was down, or was that left? Nothing seemed to make sense anymore. The song. That was all his mind could focus on, he needed to find where it was coming from. It was like a message, a scattered and static message. It meant something, he just didn’t know what.
With his thoughts muddled and his lungs too hot to breath properly, Max stumbled off to find the source of the song. His now useless feet tripped over roots and pebbles, branches caught at his sleeves and mosquitoes bit his skin. This was miserable, he didn’t even know where he was going, but one thing that he did know was the sound was getting louder. He was almost there.
He knelt, or collapsed, behind a bush just as the song reached its climax. Nothing happened. No song, no breeze, and no bugs. Everything had gone deathly silent.
Slowly, Max parted the shrubbery branches, careful not to make a sound. He had to see what the source of that strange music was, but what he saw only confused him further. A giant lake expanded before him, that wasn’t physically possible. The lake was far too big to have gone unnoticed by the public. But that wasn’t the confusing part. People, no things, were moving on top of the water. They appeared to be dancing, and their faces were concealed by masks. The masks were plain wood, and given no room for sight it was amazing no one fell. But it didn’t seem like falling would change anything, no ripple in the water or focus would be made. This was a place free of time.
Max wondered how their masks stayed on if there was nothing to keep them on. Maybe they glued them to their faces? No, then there would really be no way of taking them off. Maybe there was a thin string tied to the mask around their head that was only visible up close. No, where would the string go? Again and again he went back and forth with himself, he was so into his internal argument that he didn’t even notice the moon. It had turned silver, and the moonlight along with it. The figure that formed from the surrounding mist also went unnoticed. When the music played his breath stopped.
The sound that echoed from the flute was astonishing. Max wanted to dance, cry and sing all at the same time. Like the others, the new arrival wore a mask, but that was all they had in common. Her fingers danced over the flute keys and her body twirled to the beat. All the other masked creatures seemed to circle around her as she danced and played. Her thick black braid was interwined with fragments of navy blue, ribbons from her mask.
Small silver chains tinkled on her wrists and ankles with even the slightest movement. A sheet of blue silk cascaded down her slim figure, accented with thin scarves of black and indigo. Bandages wrapped around her almost bony arms like white snakes. Her feet remained bare, calloused from years of wear.
The woman dipped and twirled, not a single note was the slightest bit out of tune. Max couldn’t help but stare, he was completely entranced. Tears creeped from his eyes as the sorrowful tune continued on. It went on like this for hours, a week could have gone by and he wouldn't have noticed.
She turned. Her eyes bore through his fox mask and into his soul. Instantly the spell was broken. What was he even doing here? But he couldn’t find the will to look away. She smiled, her hand held out to him.
Slowly, Max pushed aside the shrubbery and approached the woman. He didn’t even realize when he started walking on water. Max looked at her outstretched hand, calloused and thin, and then at her face. He accepted her outstretched hand, holding it tight. Together they danced through the night to the songs of the other masked ones. Alone the notes were hollow and sorrowful, but together they formed a harmonious melody.
Her flute was now gone with the mist, dissipating when Max had accepted her invitation. Each step was unplanned and random, but they seemed to work wonders when together. It was so easy to dance with her, she was warmer than he expected, less alien.
His guard was slowly dropping. What he was feeling was indescribable, the strong feeling of wanting to see her face. It was almost like an obsession. He was about to take his mask off when his brother’s words echoed through his brain.
"Right before the spirits suck the youth out of their victim they remove their mask. What they do next is a little like kissing, but you die in the end. They used to bite people’s necks instead, that’s where the legend of vampires came from. You know how the times change and so do fads, well by observing human behaviour their soul eating tactic was changed into a form of kissing.” Well it was decided, he needed to keep his mask on no matter what.
That was right, he was in the disappearing forest, these were spirits he was dealing with now, he needed to tread lightly.
He needed something to distract him, the urge to just rip his mask off was far too great. He tried staring at the girl’s mask. He noticed that it was even simpler than his own, covering all but her mouth. Pure white, the mask was fitted to her face, silver lines formed simplistic designs that caught the eye. Snaking up down and along her bright blue eyes. Max didn’t notice when his hand reached up to touch her mask until she pulled away. Something small and white fell to the surface of the water making elegant ripples beneath their feet.
Max bent down to pick up the little white circlet. It was beaten and well worn and made of white flowers. How, how could after all of these year, it was still alive. That was impossible, but here it was, in his very hands. Lyra, that’s what her name had been, Lyra. Song. But Lyra hadn’t worn a mask when they had first met, why would she be wearing one now?
No, he refused to believe that she was one of THEM. After all, if she had been then why hadn’t she taken his youth back then. She would have gotten far more than she would be getting now.
"Lyra, what are you doing here? Why did you never tell me that you were a spirit?” Lyra didn’t respond to his sudden outburst, but Max could tell she was tense. “Do you even remember who I am?” No, of course she didn’t, he was wearing a mask after all.
Irritated, Max practically ripped off his mask. His angry eyes dark as the night and his pale skin glowed in the moonlight. Recognition gleamed in Lyra’s eyes, this was the boy that she had met so long ago.
* * *
"Come on Mom! Tell me what happened next. Did Max and Lyra fall in love like they do in fairy tales?” The little girl’s eyes bore into Lyra’s own. She had Max’s eyes and hair. Sadly she had inherited her mother’s impatience and stubbornness.
The little girl crossed her arms and puffed out her cheeks. She wasn’t moving anywhere until she heard the answer. “I don’t know, it doesn’t seem like their story has ended yet. I guess we’ll see how long they stay together, your Daddy has been very stubborn lately.”
"You’re one to talk, you’re the queen of stubbornness.” A tall thin man leaned against the doorframe, smile lines surrounding his dark brown eyes.
"Daddy! Can you tell me a story? Mommy’s really bad at telling stories.” She was just like her dad, no tact whatsoever.
"Okay sweetie, would you like a story about a princess and a prince, you like those don’t you?” The little girl clapped and squealed in delight, Lyra couldn’t help but smile. He was just so good with kids.
But there is really no need to worry, they got their happy ending. Just in case you wanted to know.
(I think that I shall also make an alternate ending for those of you who like soul sucking and such. Hope you might like that too.)
*here is the url for the song that inspired me to write this piece. Sorry but the song's in Japanese with english subtitles. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wko-Iw49sHY&list=PL6B6745674A1ACC2F&index=1
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Hi there, SushiSashimi333! My name's Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your short story this evening. ^^
Wow. This is actually pretty amazing. I really liked it, though I struggled a little bit up until Mas sat on that bench. Once past that not-so-engaging part, it got reaaaally good. Perhaps fiddling with that first part could help engage readers and would flow better. Like I said, I struggled to get through it. But when Max sat down on that bench, everything changed. Suddenly, I was thoroughly engaged. I couldn't stop reading. I had to know what happened next. So yeah, that was pretty cool.
Now, for nitpicks. As I was reading, I noticed a few things, such as your choice of words in places. Like here;
"existent" doesn't seem to work here. If you read the sentence out loud, it sounds a bit awkward, doesn't it? I would suggest replaces "existent" with "here" but it's really up to you. This is just a suggestion, so you're welcome to ignore it.
And this line;
seems to be missing something. Her braid does what? There's just this and not saying what it does. Does the braid sway, do the ribbons swaying with it or what? Please expand a little here.
I saw a few other places that needed a little work, but otherwise, this was great. Once past that bit I was struggling with, this was amazing. I love the idea you have here, about this disappearing forests with its spirits. It's a fascinating idea. Sadly, my computer is being stupid and I only caught, like, 30 seconds of the song you added, but I can guess, from what I heard, how inspiring the music is. Must be pretty inspiring for you to write this. ^^
So, other than what I've pointed out, there's nothing here really that needs fixing. Just a little bit of fiddling for the beginning to make it just that tiny bit more engaging. Remember, if you can catch a reader's attention right from that very first line, that's a good thing. It means you've got something here and it's great and people will want to read it. If you don't, you'll find that your readers sort of struggle a bit until it actually gets interesting. You do have something here that can be great if you try to engage your readers right from the start, though, so don't be discouraged by anything I say. You've very welcome to ignore it if you want to! Thanks for the lovely story, Sushi! I hope this review helps, somehow. ^^
Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scarli. <3
Yeah, I must say I struggled to write the beginning too, and I think even the character Max was dying of boredom XD. I shall definitely see what I can do to fix the beginning, spice it up somehow or other. Glad you liked it!
I really enjoyec this. I wish you would have described him more though. I think its really good overall, and it makes me want to be in the forest with the spirits. Lovely
Thanks, I realized after I finished the story that Max wasn't described at all. Then I tried to cramp it all in at the end, ha! That's what I get for writing when tired.
Hi there!
An opening paragraph is very, very important in a short story. It's the first impression that everyone gets of the story. It has to be interesting, captivating. It has to pull that reader in, make them want to finish out the story. What you've got here is really, really close to that. I personally would've loved more mystery in the opening paragraph, kind of like the prologue to a novel, but it works well like this. But I'm going to go through and make some suggestions on how you could make it a stronger intro.
*this sentence is a little confusing to me. I understand it now that I've read it a few times, but upon first glance, it just doesn't sound right. Maybe say something like 'Humans think they know everything about magic, but they're wrong'. That way we know that you're specifically talking about the fact that they don't know what the magic in the forest is really like. Otherwise it sounds like you're going to a completely different subject.
*nitpick
*I absolutely love the sentence that I bolded. It's so simple and plain, but there's so much written in between the lines here. (I suppose 'the dead' refers to zombies) Whenever I think of a zombie I imagine just that, a rotting corpse walking around with their arms straight out in front of them, blood staining their lips, screaming "AAACHHHWWERHAAAHHHHHHH!" Or, you know, something along those lines. Yup. Um, I really don't know what I was saying when I started this, but, yeah. Zombies.
*The rest of this about the spirits is a little awkward to me. You first write that spirits look nothing like humans in their natural form and then you simply describe them as wearing a mask and performing rituals to stay. To stay as what? Give us a short description about what spirits look like in their natural form so we can have a general idea.
*you jump from one thing to another in this last part. I would suggest breaking it off and beginning a new paragraph so the readers aren't thinking that this forest is directly linked to the lamb and the wolf. Makes sense? You're sitting here talking about the rituals and them bam! forest. Doesn't make much sense like that. If you break it off and start another paragraph, the reader will understand that you're talking about something new now.
*I think this really helps these two sentences flow better. This is just how I would write it so you aren't obligated to use my corrections. What you had before was good, but this adds more tension. You're talking about Max's brother and then bam! it's the last day of the month. Now you've got the reader hooked, no doubt wondering if Max is going to go to the forest or not. I know that's what I'm wondering.
*nitpick
*I think you should omit this sentence. You've already told us that it's the last night of the month.
*in this half of the paragraph you have a sentence put out of order. The one that talks about him not remembering what the woman looked like should go in front of this last sentence about the price. See, you go from the mask to the woman to the reason for buying the mask, then to not remembering the price. If you switch it around, you go from the mask to the reason for buying the mask, then to not remembering who the woman was or what the price was. It flows a lot better that way
[quote]Two people laughing,[/quote
*nitpick
Eck, the ending! Not that it's bad, I'm just not a huge fan of happy endings. Good for the characters, but bad for me. I want action! I wanted Max to get sucked up because he took off his mask! I wanted it to be a warning story for those who go into that forest! Noooo!!
Anyway, despite the fact that my inner writer is evil, the ending is good. I like how you use the part at the end to explain how Lyra and Max ended up together. That was really sweet. But if Max had met Lyra when he was little, how much older than him is she? I'm a little curious about that.
Overall this is a good, sweet story. I really like your description of the forest. It's plain and simple, yet paints a complex picture in my mind. Good job with that. I would've liked to see Max be more developed than he is. I don't know much about him except that he wants to find this forest. And instead of having his friends ditch him, I think you should have him ditch his friends. It makes more sense because he doesn't want to be there in the first place. If his friends had dragged him there, they would've made sure he was having a great time, you know? There aren't many spelling or grammar errors here so good job with that. Your story was really good.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks, I was thinking about maybe adding a little background to it in another story, maybe I'll even make an alternate ending... Who really knows? I will get to work on editing as soon as possible, I wanted action too but I felt too lazy. Do you mind if I use a bit of your idea for the alternate ending?
nice story, kinda want to know which song you got this idea from. ok, first off, grammar and stuff were pretty good, but some comma issues. second,shim? I know it's shin, but come on! One thing I thought could be changed was when you used "tons". I was kind of in a mood, and that kind of, just maybe, shattered the mood. Another thing was this sentence didn't quite make sense to me, "he could have gone a week without and not have noticed." yeah, over all though, great story! specially like the happy ending, though it was kind of confusing with the transition between the story told and the little girl. And the ending was clique. In a good way though, happy. =)
wait, you mean cliche? Yeah, I kept changing the ending then got impatient. Also, there is no shim, probably meant to say him, I'll change the stuff that was confusing.