Her feet danced over the cold ground, the chains tinkling around her ankles. They seemed to form a melody of their own, but still fitting with the surrounding spirits’. Her mask glittered in the moonlight and her eyes, dark black with specks of silver. He gazed upon her graceful swirling motions and matched her rhythm the best he could. Together they danced under the moonlight, swaying to the wind and creating slight ripples on the water, well, at least Max was.
Only after what seemed like mere seconds of dancing did Max realize that the surrounding spirits had stopped singing. Instead a beautiful sound echoed from the girl’s throat. Sorrowful, it seemed to tell a tale of loss, death and broken love. Max’s throat tightened, tears threatening to pour from his deep brown eyes. Slowly a haze crept into the back of his mind, but he was too busy, distracted by the threatening tears.
His thoughts clouded and his expression drooped. The barrier to his tears weakened, then broke altogether. Ripples spread throughout the water forming from his falling tears. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore. Why was he crying again? Who was that beautiful person standing before him? It didn’t even occur to him to wonder how they were standing on water. Instead the mournful song continued on and his brain continued to malfunction.
His sight started to dim with the moonlight as a cloud covered the moon. There was a sharp pain in his neck, perhaps a mosquito? He couldn’t think anymore, why was it so dark? Who was he, Mat, Ma... M. The girl watched as the light faded from his open eyes. They had been beautiful, she had to admit, but now they were no longer. Clouded by death, she frowned in disgust. Just another weak human, she thought that he might live through one feeding, but no, he was like all other humans. Her hands fell away from the corpse in her hands and she disappeared into the dark, it would be another moon’s cycle until she was able to come back. She didn’t even bother to look back as Max’s corpse sunk deep into the pond, slowly resting on others that had come before him.
A week later there were reports of a missing person in the paper. His name had been Max Simmons, medium height and brown haired. Dark brown eyes shone in his picture broadcasted on missing posters. Slightly on the skinny side his cheek bones jutted out in sharp angles. No one found a trace of him, the search eventually diminished as time passed on and nothing was found. Max Simmon’s soon disappeared from the world along with many others. This is a warning to all humans. Curiosity killed the cat, satisfaction never was enough to bring it back.
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141,256 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Hi again, SushiSashimi333! Scarlett here to review again.
Well, that was certainly very different. Dark, somewhat scary. Definitely of soul-sucking. I kind of liked this side of the spirits, even though it was nice to see a happy ended in the original version. Then again, Alternate Endings can be so much fun~ You did a lot right here. You had my attention from the first sentence, and that's definitely a good thing! Be proud of this!
Now, onto nitpicking and the like. I don't think I can help much there, I'm afraid. You've got it pretty down pat and I don't think I can see anything more or have any suggestions for you. I did like the feel you gave this ending, which is far darker than the original I read. So. Thanks for the dark alternate ending to a lovely short story, Sushi! I hope this review helps, somehow. ^^
Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scarli. <3
Thanks! I am very glad that you liked this piece, I was worried that I didn't quite capture the darkness I wanted to, thank goodness I did. This actually helped tell me my strength, which apparently is writing dark pieces XD.
Hello SushiSashima,
I must say that I love your story, mostly because I am a fan of the gender myself. You really have a natural talent at creating mystery. I don't really know what to say because the story is written so good with no grammar or typing errors at all. What I can say is that I don't agree with noelsugarcube about the story being sad, I believe it's actually very intriguing especially the girl. I don't know if she is a ghost or some mythical creature but it brings up in my mind the mermaids in the Germanic mythology. Like Lorelei. Was she you muse in the beginning?
Anyway I think a bit of physical description of the girl would do good. But of course not all at once just a little here and a little there so as not to destroy the fluidity of the story.
Apart from that I just want to say that I admire the way the narrator talks directly to the readers in the last two sentences. I don't see this often and I really think it's a good way of giving a piece of advice to the readers.
Just continue to write such stories because they are delightful.
Actually to get more physical description of the girl you can check out the other piece I wrote, this is just the alternate ending. I must also thank you for your review, I have heard of the german endings to fairy tales but I have never actually read one. Thanks again!
Ok, very dark.... so sad, Max should have lasted at least two meals =3. So, review time, no spelling/grammar issues as far as I can see. the one thing that bugged me a little was when it said, "With the barrier to his tears no longer able to withstand the weight of the song they fell." To me it sounded a little chopped up and confused me. hmm, what else, well, the name personally didn't flow well with the story. possibly have a more elegant sounding name next time sushi? Oh, and I like the last sentence. It's really true, 'cept humans don't have 9 lives. not bad over all, but I liked the other ending. All though, what would happen if you combined the two ending together? that would make it more emotion confusing. =)
I would rip myself apart if I combined the endings, I was going to but then I found myself needing a good stitching. The name says what it truly is, anything else and people might get confused. That sentence now that I read again needs fixing, shall be on it.
Hi there!
Yes! I love this ending! I think I'm an evil writer at heart who wants to see their characters suffer.
Anyway, this ending is just as good as the other one. I like how you described him losing his mind, like how he couldn't remember his name and the sharp pain in his neck. Good job with it.
Just wanted to stop by and let you know. I stumbled upon the novel you posted and I think I'm going to go check it out.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**