It was a nice and sunny day, and a Poliwag was walking through a lush forest. But what he didn't know was that he was being watched. By a pokemon looking for an easy fight. Out of nowhere two vines came out of the bushes and attached the Poliwag, it was a Snivy. The Snivy wrapped the Poliwag in its vicious vines, and started smashing it off the ground and throwing it around the forest.
The Snivy was having so much fun with this Poliwag that he didn't notice that a Poliwrath walked up right behind him. Without warning the Poliwrath grabbed the Snivy and lifted him up off the ground. In the shock the Snivy dropped the Poliwag, and the Poliwag went running off deeper into the forest.
"What are you doing to my son Snivy!" The Poliwrath said with an angry tone in his voice
"Having some fun Mr. Poliwrath." the Snivy smartly remarked
"Well it looked like you where hurting him. I don't think my child was having any fun." the Poliwrath stated
Before the Snivy could say another word the Poliwrath throw him and Snivy was sent souring through the sky out of the forest. When Snivy landed he made a giant crater,then everything went black.
---
When the Snivy awoke he was surrounded by the pitch blackness of night. He could see the forest in the distance.
"Wow that Poliwrath can throw far. And that hurt." Snivy mumbled to himself
Snivy turned around and started walking in the opposite direction of the forest and was saying "I was going this way so he actually helped me, if I forget the part of throwing me and making me pass out till night."
---
As the sun was rising behind the Snivy he was mumbling to himself angrily "I have been walked all night and seen nothing but this meadow. I haven't even seen one other pokemon!"
Out of nowhere a water shuriken came flying at the Snivy. Snivy jumped back and out of the way of the shuriken. Snivy turned his head to the direction it came from and saw a Grininja with another water shuriken in his hand and a Riolu to his right staring at Snivy.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello there!
Interesting prospect you have here, with quite the snarky pokemon you've given us at the narrator. I'll start off by mentioning, I don't think you use enough pronouns, especially in the beginning or they're referred to in the same way. Normally, I would say pokemon are just referred to by their names, instead of 'the' all the time, so it would sound more normal to be saying it all the time, or perhaps use their gender more, since for most of the beginning, they were called 'its' making things a little more confusing.
There are some points when your word choice is rather interesting, here for instance:
In this chase, I don't really think you can smash something off the ground. And since the part directly after talks about how Snivy thrashes the Poliwag around, then perhaps chose a different verb to describe the lifting motion.
I'd say that your dialogue is fairly flat, and it's not very natural sounding. While the father is confronting Snivy, his tone is rather robotic, almost when saying "I don't think my child was having any fun." Anyone actually mad at that point would be throwing around much more loaded language (emotional loaded, like accusations and such.) The anger would be apparent in the words, not just a plain statement. You what to play around with the wording a lot to make it fit each character's personality and give them a somewhat unique way of speaking. If you still need some clarification, just as and I can provide some really good articles on dialogue to help you out.
I do agree that some extra descriptions here would be really nice. So that there is a less straightforwardness to the story and we can enjoy it a lot more.
Final thing that I'll go on about is that there at some points where you prepare us for what's about to come. For instance, wouldn't it be much more exciting to be reading through how Snivy was harassing the Poliwag when everything was interrupted with the Poliwhirl grabbing Snivy and yelling in his face? Instead of telling us that the Poliwhirl appeared? And towards the end, with Snivy complaining about being alone, well, we really expected something to happen then, because he acknowledged it being quiet.
Overall, this was an interesting prospect, and I am quite curious to read on (though I wish this were a bit longer) and my attention has been captured. I assure you, this is a good start, but there's always room to improve. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
This is an interesting prospect, and I would like to see where it is going. You might want to try to revise before you post, and I think a teeny bit more descriptions would be the icing on the cake. I love the smart-alecky Snivy being the main protagonist, because a perfect hero is really, really boring to read. Try to use conventions and adjectives, and keep up the good story work!
Thnx for that I will make sure to take your suggestions to work in chapter 2. And I like that you noticed that the protagonist isn't the normal cookie cutter protagonist I did want the Snivy to be different and people to notice that.
Well, if I had to pick a word to describe it, I'd say; full of potential. I like how you've left the story open and given us a couple questions to ask ourselves. It would have been a strong opening, but there were small problems with sentence fluency. Also, watch for grammar mistakes. A quick revision should fix that. Keep it up. I really want to read future chapters!
Thnx man. I know the sentence fluency could be better and grammar suckes but I will get better at it as I continue. I did want people to ask themselves questions about it.