z

Young Writers Society



The story of #53 Chapter 2: New Friends

by SuperGamer991


The Riolu suddenly came running full speed at Snivy. You just hear a deep and quite voice say "Freeze!" All of a sudden the Riolu stops in its tracks the second he hears the voice. Snivy couldn't tell where the voice came from but after a couple seconds the Grininja started walking towards Snivy at a moderate pace. Snivy got in a position ready to fight but the Grininja could tell that he wasn't sure if he could take him. When the Grininja came up to Snivy he said "Sorry about that. My apprentice and I thought you where someone else." Grininja's voice was quiet but you could hear him clearly and it was impossible to miss understand what he was saying. "So then you don't want to fight me? Then why was your apprentice come running at me huh?" Snivy stated with a really irritating voice. "He was just tying to protect the land that my family has kept safe for thousands of years. So young Snivy what is your name?" Grininja said. "Well I'll tell you my name if you tell me who you two are called." Snivy said as the Riolu walked up next to Grininja. "Very well my apprentice Riolu is called Ryan and I am Master G. And you?"  Master G said. "What Master G isn't good enough, whats your really name." Snivy said getting frustrated. "Master G is my really name." Master G said very calmly. "Fine I'm #53." Snivy said. "What, why are you called #53?" Ryan said. "Quiet, if he wishes to tell you he will." Master G said very orderly. "Yes Master." Ryan said with a wimpier in his voice. " Then shall you follow me to Ryan and I's home?" Master G asked very politely. " I guess we shall."  #53 said. As they walked #53 was asking himself some question. "Should I really trust these people, why does this land need protecting. What is so special about this place, it looks ordinary. I'll have to  do some investigating." All of a sudden they stopped right in front of a thick forest. "We live in a cabin inside this forest, follow me and don't stray or you will get lost and this forest shall be your final resting place. Got it Snivy." Master G said very seriously. " Yes I do." As they entered the forest the sunlight slowly dwindled until the bear minimal was visible. They slowly walked through the thick forest that may soon be his final resting ground if he strayed off from Master G and Ryan.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
1220 Reviews

Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Donate
Sat Mar 14, 2015 9:34 am
Kale wrote a review...



Hello SuperGamer991! Im here to review you this fine night as I frantically try to get as many reviews in as I can tonight.

I haven't read the previous part as far as I'm aware, so if I bring up something as an issue that was already addressed in the previous chapter, feel free to disregard it.

I'm going to be keeping this review general since I'm on mobile at the moment.

First things first, your formatting needs some tender, loving care and consideration because it's giving off a pretty intimidating first impression right now, and I wouldn't be surprised if that first impression has scared away potential readers. I'd strongly recommend fixing the formatting of this chapter so it's less a brick of text and more inviting.

If can't figure out how to fix the formatting (it happens), feel free to PM me or leave a post on my wall and I'll be happy to help.

With that said, I noticed that you use a lot of adverbs, especially variations of "suddenly". You will want to try to avoid using so many adverbs because they weaken your writing. There's more often than not a vivid verb that means the same thing as an adverb-verb combo, and using the vivid verb helps keep your writing more concise but just as descriptive. Generally, the more things each element of your writing does, the stronger your writing will be.

Right now, even with all the adverbs, your writing isn't very descriptive, so I encourage you to play around a bit more with the verbs you use and how you describe the characters and their actions. It will really help to make your writing more exciting.




User avatar
767 Reviews

Points: 26330
Reviews: 767

Donate
Sat Mar 07, 2015 11:03 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello, again!

Ah, I see we have the brick here. I assume some kind of formatting with YWS must have messed up l one way or another, because your previous chapter was perfectly spaced out. Nothing a quick look through wont fix!

All of a sudden the Riolu stops in its tracks the second he hears the voice.


As I was reading through this, this particular sentence really tripped me up. It has two dependent clauses hooked into it ("All of a sudden..." and "... the second he hears..."). Now, I would chose one and stick with it, because it's not really all of a sudden if he has a reasoning for it. Otherwise it's just overloading the sentence and a little confusing.

... but the Grininja could tell that he wasn't sure if he could take him.


At this point, I'm a little more confused. It seems as if here there was a sudden switch in narrators, like the Grininja was saying this. I recommend you stick with just Snivy's thoughts in the narration so it's not swapping all over the place. (Also, why would this Grininja not think that he could win? He's like two stages above Snivy and probably a ton stronger, type disadvantage or not.)

So, I see we get some more answers on what's up with the Grininja and the Riolu, but it is a little strange how openly Sniny trusts them. Sure he has some after thoughts, but he still follows them, doesn't he? Perhaps include some more indecision in his head about whether to trust the pair before the blindly follows them into a forest were he said himself could get him killed?

I do like your take on the Pokemon world, how the Pokemon will communicate with each other and even have names for themselves. You have captured my attention in wondering what is so special about this place? What's with the Snivy?

Here, I'd say you should hold off a little on the dialogue. Too much dialogue can make the story seem really choppy and really boring, but at least it's not loaded with information. Perhaps try to stick in some extra narration here and there about he Snivy's impressions of the two. Is he intimidated? Do they look fierce? Or just as calm as his demeanor suggests? Things like that make all the difference.

Another good little part, and work in those descriptions. The last two lines had that start to it, but maybe add in some more on what the characters actually look like. (Something different from the standard, perhaps?)

Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~





The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else doing it wrong, without comment.
— T. H. White