Young Writers Society

Hello there Sunflowerdemon3712! Incoming review!

This has been in the green room for a while and I thought I should review it! I'm not the best with reviewing parodies, but I'll do what I can.

So I looked up the lyrics and I can see there has been a fair amount of changing. I think that's great because the original lyrics are pretty repetitive. I'm just going to talk about general surface level stuff because I see the previous review delved deeper. Here we go.

Eyes brow dark and romantic but she’s going down like the titanic

Don’t mind her she’s starting to panic cause her romantic is leaving her for somebody younger

Eyes blue like the atlantic but he’s going down like the titanic

Oh my god stop being dramatic your going into a panic and either way you should have enjoyed it

With the last line I just think it's too wordy with the other "second" line being shorter. Because it's a lyrical piece, and I try to hum the lyrics in a rhythm, it doesn't connect well. I think you can remove the "Oh my god." It's s little unnecessary and it makes the flow better.

Eyes hazel, sweet and dynamic but he’s going down like the Titanic

Isn't it funny how you were defeated but somehow it’s not concrete any more

Eyes black, mysterious and magic but they’re going down like the Titanic

Please dear your I think that it’s serious your becoming delirious I miss the way that you use to be

I like the use of hazel and dynamic for "he" pronoun eyes. It really brings more personalities into the song than were in the original.

The line, "Mysterious and magic" can be conjoined like, "Mysterious; magic," to keep the flow nice. I also see a small typo in the last line. I'm sure it's supposed to be, "Please dear you think..."

Eyеs grey, soft and metallic but shes going down like the Titanic

We watched as she help us at all costs but now we lost her to the sea of depression

Eyes amber, warm and dramatic but she’s going down like the Titanic

I think that it is fantastic that you completely ignored her till she crossed that thin border

The first "she's" should have an apostrophe. But the line that I liked the most was, "We watched as she help us at all costs but now we lost her to the sea of depression." It really shows the struggle of many depressed people, trying to help others to keep their mind's occupied but they get lost, either to isolation or worse.

Eyes green, quite the enchantment but I'm going down like the Titanic

I hate the way that you handle how people feel and that is why my friends aren’t here and I just want to be near them again

Eyes rainbow, proud and fantastic but were going down like the Titanic

We’re only allowed to be ourselves one month of the year with out cowering in fear.

But now you know that we are here we won’t won’t let fear be the one that dives are motives cause we are so much more than the person we care for

I see in the green line, you switch to first person to make everything more personal. And rainbow eyes I can see having two different meanings. First of which is pride, different eyes having different views of people. And the other can be a combination of all the different eyes colors in the world.

Well that's all have for today! I hope you found some of this useful! I really enjoyed reading this re-make of a repetitive song and you brought so many more perspectives into it! Have a great day! Anyway byeeeeeeeeee<3

Hello there!

I usually don't review songs because I find it hard to use the right words to describe my feelings? Since this is a remake of a song already existing, one that's pretty well known by most people who use the internet regularly, I hesitated a bit. Because of my general bit of confusion of how to review this, I will focus on the meaning of what you have written here and how it ties possibly back into the original material's vibe.

Now, disclaimer, remakes do not have to follow the original at all. Most people choose to keep it generally similar though, so that people can recognize what it's about and what it came from. i assume you at least put some thought into tying it back because of the usage of lines that come directly from areas written in the original. If you do not agree with what I have or think I missed a big piece of info, please discard my comments.

So anyway, let's look into the original. I assume you're talking about the part one and not the part two, as both of those are different in theme. Part one is looped to signify importance in what the lyrics stand for. The Genius page I found describes it as a couple committing suicide by drowning themselves, and the rest is basically unknown. That's a dark theme, a strong one, and lastly it's not easily noticed. If someone were to listen to the song and not have any of that info with them, it wouldn't be like that at all.

I doubt you've rewritten the second part, but I'll add this just in case. The part two is presumably what happened before all of that. It's about cheating and how the narrator found their lover in the act. Each verse tells a story with a similar theme, which is of course, the infidelity in literal and metaphorical terms. It's more of a darker love story compared to the other part, but they both have areas that make sense when placed together. Although, they aren't confirmed to be the same story in different sections.

Let's look at yours now -

Eyes brow dark and romantic but she’s going down like the titanic
Don’t mind her she’s starting to panic cause her romantic is leaving her for somebody younger

Classic. It's the old story of a man being unhappy with his lover because she is not as pretty as she was before, not as society pushes women to be seen, etc etc etc. It works for the overcast of romance that doesn't work out in the end, but it's not really working for me. The actual probability of that happening is slim, when what happened in the actual song has a big chance of being reality for some. Cheating is a terrible thing, and people react in ways that could harm others and then themselves in some unfortunate cases.

The bit of "she's going down like the titanic" doesn't work for me as well. It's probably the jump into that connection because there isn't anything actually with that general idea? Blue eyes and a sinking ship works because blue is seen as the colour of water. Both the shade of brown and being romantic doesn't because they bring up different thoughts. Romance and sinking is a great thing to play around with though.

Oh my god stop being dramatic your going into a panic and either way you should have enjoyed it

I'm one of the worst people to talk about lyrics and how they are supposed to work, but this doesn't sound right to me. It might be because of how wordy it is, and typically when thinking of a song, each line is sung or spoken on its own until a new line break happens. That changes depending on the beat and singer though, and since there isn't any of that provided, I can't say much on it without assuming a lot.

It also could be the endings of each line. There's commonly a rhyme when it comes to lyrics, and it could be slant, straight out, or just repeating a word. The choices of "it" and "younger" aren't any of those, so it could be affecting the way it sounds in my head. Again, all of this depends on the beat and singer and both of those aren't here, so saying anything about the actual technicality of the lyrics would be looking too far into it.

We’re only allowed to be ourselves one month of the year with out cowering in fear.

I love how this is tied into pride because pride month just ended a bit ago. Seeing representation like this even without it being obvious is nice, because I am personally a member of the community in more ways than one. Although, it seems a bit forced in this situation, as it does not ease into it and instead jumps into a whole other idea completely before the previous ones have even registered to me.

That's all I have to say. My biggest suggestion is just to work on pacing and the actual more nitty-gritty lyric details because that can do a lot.

- chi