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E - Everyone

Don't forget

by Sunflowerdemon3712


I sat there same room 

same click clack of the keys

nothing will change I know it won't 

people laugh around water jug closest thing to a musical note

but this place was bleak no music no art

but I was to scared to seek more 

because despite my hope it wouldn't pay bills

so I was stuck in the cycle it almost felt like a skill

~

that night I sat in an office with all lights turned out

I was working late into the night in hope of more

tonight I felt off like the world didn't like me right now and was trying to get rid of me

my computer screen was the only thing that felt right 

but then on turned a light 

it was a tank with a simple fish 

he was deep red and shiny but then he split into a grin with teeth

but not like a sharks but ones like you or me's

I then stood up I do not know why but I walk slowly over to the tank

my heart sank when the fish smiled wider

"you've been here a while dear"

in the voice it was so low all I felt myself shiver 

"I know I wish to leave but the thought gives me fear"

the fish let's out a deep and sorrowful laugh

"well you better wake up and reach for the sun before you forget how"

I stood there nothing but shock for I believe I had forgotten even the look of the sun

~

the tank goes dark and I walk back over to my computer 

I was tempted to sit back down and continue 

continue my melody of the click clacking that I was used to

but instead I click the button slowly watching as the screen fades to black

I then saw a door open light spilling out

I began to walk through it  and I never looked back 


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211 Reviews


Points: 15331
Reviews: 211

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Sat May 01, 2021 2:49 pm
LittleLee wrote a review...



Hey there, Sun! I hope you're having a good day wherever you are!

To begin with, I quite enjoyed the tone and structure of this poem. There's a very distinct flow of thought present, and the idea of rebirth - so to speak - is intriguing and fairly well executed. All in all, good job!

There are just a few things I think you could work on.

While it isn't a norm for poetry to have a lot of punctuation, I think this one could do with some. The complete lack of it leads to sentences appearing to be enjambments, which confused me while I read it the first time. And there are a lot of sentences like this one - "I then stood up I do not know why but I walk slowly over to the tank" - which are difficult to read because all the clauses are mixed together without the right joining words/punctuation.
Semicolons and commas will be sufficient in this case.

I also noticed that you seem to have a little trouble with spelling certain words, so I've corrected them:

he was deep red and shiney but then he splint into a grin with teeth

It's shiny, not shiney. And I think you meant "split into a grin." And there's no need to "with teeth."

but not like a sharks but ones like you or me's

*but not like a shark's; one like yours or mine.*
See what I did there? Adding a semicolon introduced a pause in the right place, and I changed the grammar as well.

the fish let's out

There's no need of an apostrophe here. :)


The last thing I want to point out is this line:
so I was stuck in the cycle it almost felt like a skill

I feel like this line is there more for the rhyme than anything else, and I don't think that's a good thing. Rhyme schemes can inhibit you if you don't execute them well.


But all in all, it's a good effort! Keep writing, and I'm sure your skill will improve greatly.

Have fun!

~ Lee




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55 Reviews


Points: 2523
Reviews: 55

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Mon Apr 19, 2021 12:46 pm
akanbright wrote a review...



Akan bright here for a review.
I really live the outline, synopsy, and layout structure of your poem, and its really wonderful to read. I love how it encoded.
The poems really a good one and most of all, what kept me reading is the simplicity and low level language used, which makes it more easier for the reader to comprehend. I do not like high level sounding words, as they are too cool to be comprehensible for the reader. The idea you were trying to layout, for whether it was a real fish or an imaginary one can understand the angle you were driving at.
In as much as I don't have much to point as a review, yet I think that the way you write, should be able to hook the reader. I wouldnt like to say that I forced myself to finish up the poem, for that would be a big blow, but rather, try to create a mental picture of what you actually want the readers to see in their minds.
I think you should also work on your format, as verses and stanzas make up a good poem, unless its a one structured poem. Anyways, I think that is your own choice to make.
Thanks for the poem, it's really nice.





If we choose, we can live in a world of comforting illusion.
— Noam Chomsky