This is an introduction from before the story begins. Working on this with 21gmu.
Characters
Nisha Jain:
Nisha is a smart and calm girl. She has jet black hair with natural black brown highlights. Her unique hair curls in at the ends. She has big, black, brown eyes, with naturally curled lashes. Her eyebrows are practically perfect. They are bushy enough to eliminate the need for filling in her brow. She is very tall for her age, being 11 years old and 5’ 5”. She doesn’t like her height at all, so she slouches to seem shorter.
Her nickname is “Nish”. Summer is a very tedious time for her! She makes a lot of jewelry, simple and intricate works of art, just to pass the time. She has recently moved to a boarding school called Glittering Springs in Massachusetts, from her home state Pennsylvania, with an excellent scholarship. Despite the fact that she was nervous and annoyed, she was very pleased to know that she would have her dorm room all to herself! Her parents told her to move to Massachusetts early, in order to have time to decorate her dorm room. It was very difficult for her because it meant she had to be separated from her best friend, Alexis Europe. Apparently, Alexis had moved into a clapboard victorian mansion! The news was crazy! Well, it was time for Nisha to discover what a boarding school was like! She couldn’t wait to tell Alexis both the good and bad things about her new school!
Alexis Europe:
She is a bright, curious, and happy girl who loves to write, hang out with friends, and explore the outdoors. Her chocolate brown hair is flawless and gracefully cascades down her shoulder! Alexis` hazel eyes seem to constantly change colors, like a kaleidescope.
Alexis just recently moved into an old, dusty mansion. To be precise, it was a clapboard victorian! After the death of her grandmother, her family had inherited the mansion, but Alexis was sad to leave her old life in the tiny little apartment she was used to. Her best friend was devastated to know that she was moving. However, there was a lot going on in Nisha’s life as well! Nisha had recently moved to a boarding school! It was for her education, as it would be good for her. Nish knew that it really would help her with all her weak spots in learning and that her parents only wanted the best for her, but it was still hard for her to accept it! With all that was going on, Alexis felt very unfortunate and felt bad leaving Nish behind, as lonely as a lost puppy. She knew that Nisha was brave and would be able to handle the situation, but it was still difficult leaving her. Before Alexis gazed at her glittery, happy world for the last time, she had made a promise to Nisha...a promise that would change her life forever. Who knew there was so much secret to writing...writing letters?!?! Apparently, writing was an art of mysterious magic and Alexis was soon to discover it.
It is said that curiosity killed the cat, but in Alexis’ case, it led her to discovering fascinating secrets!
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi! I'm here to review this
#4000BF ">Nisha Jain:
She seems realistic and someone I would personally be friends with.
#4000BF ">Alexis Europe:
I think Alexis is my favorite of the two. I love the victorian mansion.
I don't think this is the way to go for an introduction. It's way more fun for reviews to find this out while they are reading. It's a lot of information at once. It's hard to review this because I don't know what this is. I don't think I would put this in the novel/chapters section.
Hi, Mad Writer 7. Thanks for the review. Thanks for the compliment. We based the personalities of of ourselves. 21gmu and I worked on this together. As I said before, the rest of the story is in the form of letters, so we weren't sure how to include that. You can read the first letter, it's up now.
Hello there. Holographic Ladybug here with a short review.
(I apologize if I sound a bit nasty. I'm really just trying to help and voicing what I think. (Nervous smile))
-Classification-
I'm not sure if an 'introduction' is the right word for this. But maybe it is, I'm not sure. Most of this is introducing what I take are the main characters of your novel. I would call this more of a character Bio.
-Idea-
I'm not sure if introducing your characters like this is the right thing. Readers usually like to discover these types of things while reading. It can also make writing it a lot more fun!
This leads to the whole 'showing, not telling' thing, too.
-Punctuation-
You use exclamation points a lot in here. I'm going to warn you: if you use them too much, they lose their meaning. It's ok to use them once in a while during your writing, but that much is not the best thing.
-Description-
I like the description, though! You're describing the girls like they're real people, which is a trait that I rarely see.
-Showing, Not Telling-
This kind of loops back to what I've already mentioned a bit. Your reader wants to discover what happens to your characters. Your reader wants to discover what they look like. Your reader wants to discover that there's some art of mysterious magic. Your reader wants to discover that Alexis is to soon find it. Show these while you're writing your novel.
And I personally want to discover that there's magic, so I feel like this kind of ruins it for me.
Like I said previously, I'm sorry if I sound a bit gruff, I'm only trying to help.
Anyway, merry Christmas!
~Holographic Ladybug
P.S. I love your username!
P.P.S. Welcome to YWS!
(Holographic Ladybug fades away....)
Thanks for the tips, when my friend and I wrote it we weren't sure what to call it. Since the rest of the story is in the form of letters, we wanted to do something like this to kind of tell you about the characters and a little about their personalities. This didn't sound nasty at all.
It was just critiquing, so it was understandable. Thanks for the help.
Oh, now it makes more sense.
Yaaay!
I'm happy I didn't sound mean!
Your story sounds very interesting, though. Can you notify me when the first chapter is up?
Sure, just need a few more points. Gonna keep writing reviews. Just so you know, I did not write this by myself, I worked on it with 21gmu. She wrote the first letter, and I edited it and helped in the little bit of writing. We both plan to work on these over the summer and school breaks. We do not have a set plan for this, so based on the previous letter is what the next letter is based off of.
Ah. I see. Good luck with the reviewing!