"One,
twenty one guns. Lay down your arms, give up the fight.
One,
twenty one guns. Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I."
Eight hours. Eight hours of playing the strings of her new guitar and singing until her throat had began to grow hoarse from the constant strain. To make matters worse, what started off as a bright, welcoming and warm day had soon turned out to be another miserable time of cloudbursts in constant succession; successfully drenching her poor choice of clothes.
Seating herself against the freezing and wet cobblestone sidewalk, she feels the rain quickly surround her bare legs and soak into her navy denim skirt; giving a loud sigh as her hand runs along the neck of her guitar. Muttering silently, she pulls the instruments case closer and puts a clear show of contempt across her face.
"Let's see... Five... Ten... Fifteen... Another day spent with the 'generosity' of this city totaling fifteen." The spiteful sarcasm in her words was soon followed by a deep sigh, placing the palm of her hand against her left cheek; and her fingers playing with the edges of her own jet black hair, scattered with deep red stripes streaking throughout.
The presence of the rain suddenly came to a halt around her, with only the sound of it patting against an umbrella above her. Quickly slipping a wicked smile, she doesn't even divert her green eyes before saying aloud. "Well, if it isn't Ken- sorry, I mean Mr. Money Bags."
Unable to contain it, Ken lets a short laugh escape and passing the umbrella over to her while the other hand extends in an offer to help her up. "It's good seeing you too, Nikki. Are you ready to go? Unless; you're fond of the rain and the dark?"
Nikki quickly snatches the umbrella from his hands, and getting to her own feet without his help, watching his grey hoodie and jeans become drenched, much like her own clothes. "Not a chance! But it seems like you'll have to be!" Quickly, she begins to sprint off and leaves him behind in the rain; spinning round and giving a sly wink to taunt him before disappearing round the corner.
He picks up the left behind guitar case, zipping it quickly and hauling it over his shoulder by the strap with a short grunt of effort; the jingling of change shaking about as he slowly walks after her. "I think it'll be a while before I see that umbrella again. At least till I get back to my apartment." Despite his quiet tone, his words seem rather light and carefree.
"Don't you know it's rude to keep a lady waiting?" Kens attention returns to Nikki's playful words, seeing her ahead with his umbrella and tapping its handle lightly with the tips of her nails. Opening his mouth to quickly respond with his own quirky words. He hesitates; spotting her crafty smile. A dead giveaway she was prepared for this one. All he can do is smirk, and deciding to walk into it anyway.
"You? A lady?" He slotted both his hands into his pockets now, and staring towards her; smiling softly as he awaited the surely prepared response of their repartee.
Nikki could only grin further, tightening her grip around the umbrella's neck in anticipation upon seeing her chance "Ha, like you would know anything about what a lady even is!"
At this point, both of them could only try to hold in their laughter, small giggles emerging from each of them in their failure. The rain seemed to have grown heavier, Ken's eyes look ahead as the stone walkway almost glittered in combination of the streetlights; things like this always seemed to have a mesmerizing effect on him.
"Hey,
walking-sleeping beauty! Your house is over there." A quick
nudge to his shoulder quickly dropped him back to reality, the
intense rain freezing his skin as he quickly noticed the near-by
apartment building.
"Whu-oh. Yea. I'll see you tomorrow
then, Nikki!" He simply stared towards her, receiving the usual
wave as she departed. His hand soon embracing the chilling door
handle; but the rush of warmth from the lobby.
"You're room 117, right?"
Looking
round, he soon saw the source of the one calling to him, a casually
dressed man with a white shirt, short, spiked ginger hair and a black
pair set of jeans.
"Yea,
that's me."
"Somehow, your letter ended up in
my room. I was going to throw it out you know; so you'd best take it
before I change my mind." The man's face didn't seem all to
joyful, and his blue eyes held a pressure as they gazed over
him.
"Y-yea. Thanks." Ken simply took the letter
from the man’s out-stretched hand, heading immediately up the
stairs as they departed each other in silence. "A letter? I
don't get letters from anyone... wouldn't hurt to see what's inside
though... I guess." Tearing at the white packaging, he opens it
to find his full name at the top written in a strange crimson shade
of ink and then immediately blank the rest of the way down.
"What
is this...? It seems unfinished. It must have been a mistake after
all." Opening the wooden door, his hand presses against it to
find a short black figure standing at the centre of his room; his
eyes opening with shock as he speaks with a flat, yet gravely tone.
"The last has received his mark."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Alright!
First, I must apologize that it took you this long to get two reviews! I know how hard it is to have to wait for some, especially when it's in the Green Room. Anyway, on with the review!
To start off, just a little very nit-picky thing on the above sentence. Simply put, it is too long. Someone reviewed one of my chapters to my novel recently, and in action, they said that shorter sentences that were more to the point went well better - just because you could read easily through it... I'm not saying this is necessarily true with all works, but in this sentence I believe it is. Even by putting a little bit of punctuation it could work better. (Example: "Eight hours of playing the strings of her new guitar, singing until her throat had begun to grow hoarse from constant strain.") Or something.
I know the previous reviewer already mentioned this, but I'm going to go into depth a little bit: You are constantly changing tenses in the entire chapter. It makes it extremely hard to read- going from present tense (seated herself) to working-present tense (she feels...- at least, I think that's what I'm thinking of.
Honestly, the tense is the only really big thing about this that I found - but like I said before, it makes it hard to read. Let's look into depth a little more, shall we?
Take this sentence for example. He picks up the case, zipping it up, hauling it over his shoulder, he walks after her. This is an exaggerated look at what your overall chapter looks like. As you can probably tell with the example I gave, changing tenses is what you may call "a big no-no" in writing, especially in longer pieces like this. Anyway, moving on...
This is more of a minor irritation on my part. I feel like it should be "sleep-walking beauty". Let me explain myself a little more, by introducing a little Spanish.
In Spanish, you can't conjugate to verbs in a row, which means, you can't say something like "Hey you sleeping you walking beauty!" This is a weird example, and I apologize for it. I'm just trying to tell you the "why" of what I'm saying. Anyway, you can't do it in Spanish, and I don't encourage it in English - at least when it's not separated by commas. (A sleeping, walking, hopping, flying example. etc.)
Anyway, good suspense in the end! With a little work, this could be a nice novel! Good job and keep writing!
~Snazz Pizzazz
Happy Review Day!
Hey! This is Rachel~
I haven't read any of your other chapters but I thought I'd help you get out of the green room.
"Seating herself against the freezing and wet cobblestone sidewalk, she feels the rain quickly surround her bare legs and soak into her navy denim skirt; giving a loud sigh as her hand runs along the neck of her guitar."
There are two things wrong/fixable in this sentence:
1. It's a run-on sentence
2. I think "she feels the rain quickly surround her..." sounds weird. Try replacing "she" with the name of your main character
[side note] I think you use too many semicolons
I got really confused when you changed perspectives. This chapter was rather confusing.
I hope this was helpful somehow,
Rachel
From this chapter I am now gathering that this is in the young adult genre, I was unsure of where you were gong with this piece from the first chapter.
Onto the review!
You seem to have trouble with tenses and skip from present to past throughout. You need to figure out which one to go with and stick with it. To me it seems that it should be in present tense. I used to always have this problem and still do sometimes. It's hard to snap out of!
'The spiteful sarcasm in her words was soon followed by a deep sigh, placing the palm of her hand against her left cheek; and her fingers playing with the edges of her own jet black hair, scattered with deep red stripes streaking throughout.' - this is one run on sentence. Swap some of those commas from full stops. Also you use 'ing' too much and at the wrong times.
'The spiteful sarcasm in her words was soon followed by a deep sigh. She placed the palm of her hand against her left cheek, her fingers playing with the edges of her own black and red hair.' - this flows better.
There's a few more of these run on sentences. This is one too, 'Nikki quickly snatches the umbrella from his hands, and getting to her own feet without his help, watching his grey hoodie and jeans become drenched, much like her own clothes.' Just do the same thing with this and see if you can spot the others.
I liked the banter between Nikki and Ken, they seem like good friends. And I like how you didn't bog down their interaction with too much detail.
Towards the end there's a lot of dialogue that would be better fitting if they were thoughts instead. I know people talk to themselves, I do haha, but in writing it can come off a bit weird and awkward.
'Opening the wooden door, his hand presses against it to find a short black figure standing at the centre of his room; his eyes opening with shock as he speaks with a flat, yet gravely tone.' - here's another run on sentence I just spotted.
Anyway, overall I think this is a good piece, I like the cliff-hanger at the end- but there are some things you need to work on to make it flow better.
Hope this review helps!