High Dive

Uh, that was strange.

What did I just read again?

You did a good job with this I think I'm going to have to revoke your card of "I'm not a poet" because you really are. Stop saying that. You're doubting yourself so that you don't have to admit that you might get criticism about something you think you can do by critiquing yourself early, well, stop. If you don't want harsh reviews, then put your everything into what you make and you'll be fine.

Onto the review. I think you have a really good start to the poem. You've got a nice soothing voice, a good tone, your punctuation and capitalization is refreshingly good, and I like how you ease into the water.

The poem sort of starts to fall to dramatic climaxing when you hit the third stanza, but I think that's because you didn't want to make this serious and actually give yourself a shot at being applauded for something you tried to do. You still maintained a very good flow for the words and you have a good syncopation to them as well. You did a good job with it. I think the last line of the third stanza needs some tweaking, either that or the last stanza because if the speaker laughed like that they would drown, which you have in there by sinking to the bottom, but I don't think the security guard is necessary. You can replace that with choking and then have the second to last line be something going back towards the beauty of the first two stanzas.

So overall, I think you need to work on the middle transition from laughing to security guard. After that you should be good.

And don't second guess yourself. Change the title.

Aley

Wow, I love this! The ending killed me!

Those last two stanzas, though.

Love 'em.

I like your unique style with the poem, and the last stanza made me smile. I think that the title could be changed to relate more to the actual poem. Also, the third stanza seemed a bit out of place. Maybe you could change it up a bit just to make it flow better into the poem. Other than that, I have nothing else that I would change about it. The poem was very organized and no lines had more syllables than they needed. I really enjoyed reading this poem. Good job!

Huh. That was pretty funny. Good job on this. Your title is actually somewhat amusing to me regardless of all the other people not understanding it because it doesn't really relate to the actual stanzas of the poem.

O.K.... THAT was a poem i didn't quite understand.... I didn't really find it funny either. I don't know, just not the poem for me. I didn't understand that last stanza. Is the narrator a really small mermaid/merman? What is a trout doing in the aquarium? If your in an aquarium are in an outside aquarium or inside. If outside i understand the sunscreen part, but why security guard? Typically aquariums are inside, and inside aquariums don't get much sun, so theres no need for sunscreen. Then the security guard makes sense, but outside? I dunno. I've never seen an outside aquarium. This is a really confusing poem. Unless you're doing it on purpose, if so then good job. You achieved confusing me VERY easily.

O.K.... THAT was a poem i didn't quite understand.... I didn't really find it funny either. I don't know, just not the poem for me. I didn't understand that last stanza. Is the narrator a really small mermaid/merman? What is a trout doing in the aquarium? If your in an aquarium are in an outside aquarium or inside. If outside i understand the sunscreen part, but why security guard? Typically aquariums are inside, and inside aquariums don't get much sun, so theres no need for sunscreen. Then the security guard makes sense, but outside? I dunno. I've never seen an outside aquarium. This is a really confusing poem. Unless you're doing it on purpose, if so then good job. You achieved confusing me VERY easily.

I was about to make a review but my mom told me don't talk to strangers.

I decided to come in the middle of the night to make the review(That's not true but I want to,to see the blood moon!)

Now I will make a review:


What title is that? THATS SO NOT TRUE!


Well it is funny that the MC laughed at cutting off a fish's head.

THE END OH MY GOD IS SO FUNNY WHY IN THE WORLD IS HE IN AN AQUARIUM,THE GUARD DIDN'T EVEN SHOUT HE SAID IT! HOW? AND HE SANK TO THE BOTTOM! HE'S A MERMIAD!

Why do I cap? I cap important stuff not to shout.

Advice:

"One man with courage is a majority."
~Thomas Jefferson

"Bye and keep writing with your great mind!"
~MrMuddypig

What's review day without reviewing a poem by strange, eh?

I think you may be Walking The Cow a bit in this poem. You have some interesting images, but there doesn't seem to be a point. It's all very dramatic, but it doesn't really mean anything. Walking the cow. You know?

With the back-hurting thing, is it hurting because there's not sunscreen? A sunburn?

I like the stanza about the trout and saying hi. The next stanza was quite a contrast to that. Perhaps you could make this poem about this contrast between peace and sudden anger, and maybe the consequences about that? You could do several different situations... I dunno, just trying to cut that cow loose.

I'm curious as to why there's trout at the aquarium, and how this guy got up to stick his feet in in the first place and as to why the security guard isn't doing more than just yelling when this kid is sinking to the bottom.

Sink to the bottom sounds like he's dead or something. I feel like that might be an important detail? If he isn't dead, why would he be down there? To escape the security guard? all fair questions, I think.

Uhm... your title has a definite disconnect, but the stanzas all surprisingly work together.

This is what I have! I hope it helps~
Keep writing.
~fortis

Hey Stranger! CHRISSY321 here with a review!

*Happy Review Day! *

I was drawn to this poem by the name. The title just made me wonder- you know?
So I read it- and it was not what I was expecting! But, but the end I was chuckling.

One thing is that you mention how this person rips off the fish's head, so why is the guard not chasing him? I think that you could maybe add a stanza or two with that to make it a little funnier. I don't know why, but it may just be me.

Also, I was wondering what kind of aquarium this is. Is it like a big indoor one, or is it one that you would see and like sea world or something? I mean, I inferred it, but I think that you could have make it clearer! I think that it is important for writers to make things clear and say what they mean to, or describe it very well so we can picture it. There was not too much description of the tank so it was hard to tell. (Just a helpful tip)

Overall I think that this was a very funny little poem, and I encourage you to write some more, and maybe use some of the tips I gave you! I know you COULD be a great poet with some practice.

Keep writing!

~CHRISSY

First off, this was quite funny. I would have chosen a different title though, even though it is "proving" you aren't particularly good at poetry.
"Once in a while, I go under water
and say hi to the trout
that tickle my feet."

You say "Hi". Not only should you use quotation marks, I would put "Hello". It just flows better.


The security guard says,
as I sink to the bottom.
There is no need for a comma here.

Keep up the good work!

~Waffle

"I sit on foam in the middle of the water" - how does one sit on foam?

"Once in a while, I go under water and say hi to the trout that tickle my feet. One trout attacked me so I ripped its head off and laughed hysterically." - what? Just, what? Noooo, the cute trout!

"Get out of the aquarium!" - LOL.

What an interesting character here in this poem! Is this a Percy Jackson character, or something? Or someone original?

This is just so oddball and off-the-wall.... I love it.