Chapter One
The Return
He felt the oxygen wash from his system in the pattering rain. Jason Ember was a pale, cool, shaking sliver along the empty midnight highway, red rusted pickup idled nervously on the side of the road while Jason inched across the slick ground. It was rural enough for the shy universe to expose a naked body of stars most nights, but now it was lightless with exception to the car’s headlights and the tiny flashlight in his hands. The world felt vacant, heartless, empty, and perhaps it was. Perhaps it was too late.
Jason didn’t want to think about that. He inched closer still to the road’s curve, where a girl likely no older than him was lying motionless, curled in a fetal position as though she was resting in the crook of someone’s arm rather than a divot on the side of an empty street. Finally his steps brought him to her, though they felt slow and soporific in the weary, weathered night. He leaned closer. She was wrapped in tattered sheets and wearing clothes far too large for her body, her face hidden by the dark rain-drenched hair falling over her.
Her eyes were closed and blood had formed a dried red river across one cheek.
There was blood on her exposed fingers.
Her nails were chipped.
Her skin looked pale.
Slowly, Jason reached out a hand to feel her – she felt cold.
Too cold?
He didn’t know how to tell if she was dead or alive without checking for a pulse or a heartbeat, and he was scared to do both. Trying to convince himself that she could be alive, he ran to pull a blanket from his truck, wrapping it around her body and cradling her towards his chest. His breath rolled out like clouds of fog, and it only stopped when he thought that he saw the smallest fog escape the girl’s mouth in return.
Jason didn’t wait to see if this happened again, instead putting her into the backseat of his car and slamming the key into the ignition, wheeling out into the still-empty highway. It was funny, his parents would probably kill him for running away – but he might’ve just saved this girl’s life. Unless it was too late. Unless she was already dead. Unless –
“ ’Lo?”
Jason had to stop himself from pounding on the brake, but he whirred in his seat to see the girl feebly parting her lips, breaths heaving out in ragged gasps.
“Wh-where am -?”
She broke off with a weak moan that could’ve come from a child half her age. She sounded small and hurt and broken. It was familiar to Jason. It was the familiar undertone of someone who was trying not to break down or fall into a panic.
“It’s okay,” he said quickly with more calmness than he expected. “I’m bringing you to the hospital, it’s only a few minutes away. Can you tell me what hurts?”
“I…can’t feel…”
He could tell that she was slipping again, so he grabbed the phone and dialed 911. A woman picked up on the other end of the line. “Hi, I’m driving down Highway 37 and I have a girl who I found on the side of the road…condition…?...um, in and out of consciousness, I think…no, I don’t know who she is…I’m bringing her right now…yes. Yeah. Thanks. Bye.”
With a click he was disconnected, and inevitably Jason knew that his parents would be at the hospital to meet him. St. Roch’s was small – knowledge of his disappearance would’ve spread like wildfire, and he’d recognized the voice of the woman who picked up at the police department. It was Sheri Warner, his mom’s best friend. No doubt she’d recognized his voice, too, but hadn’t acknowledged him in an effort to find out where he was going and track him down. His dad was a police officer – there was about a 90% chance that he’d been in that very same room. Maybe Sheri had even put his call on speaker.
“Shit. Shitshitshitshitshitshit.”
He thought that he heard the smallest laugh from the girl in the back.
“What’s your name?” Jason asked, peeking through the rearview mirror. She hadn’t moved, but her eyes were open, glinting a shock of green as a car passed and the light sparked momentarily in her gaze.
“Opal,” she wheezed. “Street.”
“Opal Street?”
“Opal Street.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m not sure…”
“You sound a little –“
“Shitty?” she mused.
“Sorry for cussing like that.”
“I’m pretty sure I’ve heard it all before,” she murmured permissively. “You can cuss more if you want. It’s kind of funny.”
“Funny?”
Heaving a laugh, she managed, “You don’t sound like you cuss a lot. You don’t say ‘shit’ right.”
Jason found it funny that this girl was right, but maybe he was just that transparent. No one had ever seemed to find anything exciting or unpredictable in his personality – one of Jason’s greatest disappointments. Everyone knew everyone who knew everything in their tiny little town. Especially about him. But now even this stranger from the curb seemed to know this much about him. Feeling a little exposed, he argued, “Well how the hell am I supposed to say it?”
“See? Hell you’re not afraid of. But your voice catches when you say ‘shit.’”
He didn’t say anything, watching the road wind on until they finally entered the tiny town. Just as they passed the city limits, Jason saw the gleaming red-and-blue lights of a cop car, followed by the tell-tale siren. He looked back to see Sheriff Howard Hummel, donned in police attire and a look of disdain. And pulling up just before the bridge into town was none other than Eric Ember himself.
“Shit.”
“What’s wrong?” Opal coughed between the words, sounding weaker again.
“My dad,” Jason growled. He stopped his car only a foot before the nose of his dad’s police van, unbuckling his seatbelt and racing out into the frenzied rain that was now accompanied by growling thunder and bitter flashes of lightning that hit a stark contrast in the blackness. His father was standing outside of his own vehicle, arms crossed, badge gleaming, brown eyes meeting those of his son.
“What?” Jason snapped. “I ran away again. You can’t say anything. You don’t have anything left to say now so let me get through before this girl in the back of my truck dies. Okay?”
“We’ll take care of the girl. You’re my first responsibility,” he answered wanly.
“I’ll take her in.”
“Did you hit her with your car, son?”
“W…what?!”
The lightlessness couldn’t mask his disappointment. “Get in the car. We’ll talk later.”
Jason didn’t have many reasons to abandon his car in the middle of the road, but by now the ambulance had driven up and they had loaded Opal Street into the back on a stretcher. With a sigh, Jason took the cramped back seat of his father’s car, watching the rain drip down the window the way it had run down Opal’s cheek, listening silently to the applause of thunder, the one element of nature that seemed to approve of what he’d done. An officer took the driver’s seat of Jason’s car, failing to look him in the eyes as he revved the engine and pulled it out of the way.
Jason didn’t know where to begin. He’d run away. He’d come back. He would run away again, as soon as the road was cleared for the opportunity.
And next time, he wouldn’t come back.
[As a side-note, I wrote this really quickly so feel free to tear this to pieces. I'd really like to clean this up. Thanks in advance!]
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
First, this opening line is a bit unclear. Is he losing his breath, or is it some sort of feeling of fatigue?
You imagery is very interesting and vivid, I like it. However, I would suggest trying to condense the sentences, the first two look like run-ons. You don't have to get rid of anything, but you should try chopping it up and organizing it a bit further.
This run-on could also be fixed easily.
"He inched closer still to the road’s curve, where a girl likely no older than him was lying motionless. She was curled in a fetal position as though she was resting in the crook of someone’s arm, rather than a divot on the side of an empty street."
I believe you need a comma after "Finally"..? I'm aware that by "soporific" you mean "drowsy" or "sleepy", but it might be better to use an easier term for the sake of consistency.
If she's been sitting in the rain on the side of the road with even her hair drenched, would she still have dried blood on her face?
This part could also be condensed, and I would suggest changing a bit of the phrasing. Not perfect, but you could try this:
"Jason didn't wait to see if this happened again, instead he put her into the backseat of his car. He jammed the key into the ignition and started his car, then wheeled out into the empty highway."
Also, using the word "Unless" three times seems kind of unnecessary.
Could try: "Unless it was too late and she was already dead. Unless-"
*whirled
"She sounded small, hurt, and broken."*
"Everyone knew everyone, and everyone knew about everything in their little town."*
Starting a sentence with "And" doesn't always have to be frowned upon, but in this sentence isn't necessary.
The second sentence is a run-on. The last bit about the lightning contrasting against the blackness of the sky, while a nice description, makes the sentence longer than it should be. The reader is already aware of the darkness of the setting. Try:
"My dad.", Jason growled.
He stopped his car only a foot before the nose of his dad's police van.
Jason unbuckled his seat belt and raced out into the frenzied rain, now accompanied by rumbling thunder, and bitter flashes of lightning. His father was standing outside of his own vehicle, arms crossed, badge gleam, brown eyes meeting those of his son.
You might want to try a different word choice in place of "wanly". That word would be better used to describe the appearance of a character, not associate with how someone is speaking.
"shadows" or "night" might be more workable.
Again, not a perfect alternative, but you could try this:
Jason didn't have many reasons to abandon his car in the middle of the road. Though, by now, the ambulance had arrived and Opal was being carried into it on a stretcher. With a sigh, Jason took the cramped back seat of his father's van. He watched the rain drip down the window the way it had run down Opal's cheek, listening silently to the applause of thunder. The one thing that seemed to approve of what he'd done. An officer took the driver's seat of Jason's car, failing to look him in the eyes. The officer revved the engine and pulled away.
Other than those editing points, I like where this is going. When it comes to strangers on the road, the possibilities for an interesting backstory are endless. Keep up the good work, looking forward to the next chapter!