The cloud-heavy sky darkened as yet another stormy night approached outside the window, Elias Elderman shuffling through the papers on his desk. His meager income didn’t make up for the fast-stacking bills. Elderman rubbed his aching head, fingers running through his silver-streaked hair.
The door opened suddenly, a melancholy ding announcing the arrival of a new customer.
“We’re closed,” Mr. Elderman said, though looking up from his desk in curiosity.
A man stood at the doorway, trench coat cloaking something beneath the crook of his arm. “I won’t eat away too much of your time,” the man assured solemnly, approaching the desk with weary hopelessness.
“Alright,” Elderman sighed. “What is it?”
“I would like you to keep something for me. To…stow it for a while.”
Elderman stared inquiringly at the man now. “Well look ‘ere Mr…”
“Knight.”
“Mr. Knight, I own an antique shop, not a storage shed,” Elderman finished. “Why on earth should I keep this 'ere?”
Mr. Knight looked out the window, brown eyes seeming to scan the nearby shops and sidewalks. They were empty. He let out a broken sigh. “Because I need this hidden,” he confessed, casting yet another wary glance over his shoulder. “Please, it’s incredibly important.”
There was a look of desperation in his eyes, but Elias Elderman was no person to give out charity. “What’s in it for me?”
“Five thousand dollars,” Mr. Knight decided. “I’ll pay you five thousand dollars to keep this out of sight and not sell it to anyone or tell anybody about it. And when I come back to get it, I’ll pay you five thousand dollars more.”
Mr. Knight took out the weathered object from behind his coat, setting it in front of him.
“Y--you’re paying me ten thousand dollars to…to hide a dollhouse?” he asked in surprise.
“Yes,” Mr. Knight said, a hint of bitterness in his voice. “Clearly this is more than a fair deal for you to simply keep it out of other's hands. Do we have a deal?”
“Of course,” Mr. Elderman agreed, though suspicion crept in his mind. “Thank you, sir.”
Mr. Knight nodded, racing out the door and disappearing around the corner. Elderman slid the dollhouse beneath a curtain in the backroom, the little toy soon forgotten.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey Storyweaver,
I'm Tanya and I loved this prologue. It was intriguing but I have to agree with Mochi. There is no hook at the beginning, no description and the mc isn't very likable for now. We don't feel for him; we frankly don't care that he has money. On the other hand, I found MR. Knight interesting and can't wait to find out what's the story with the dollhouse.
Please keep me posted for the next chapter!
Tanya :d
wow this was really cool i can't wait to see more. i only had one problem...
saying suddenly kind of takes all the suddenness out of it. you could just say the door burst open or something along those lines.
other than that, i loved it. i couldn't quite picture the dollhouse clearly but all the other descriptions were great! PM me when you post more.
-fighta
I think this could use more description, personally. Description and emotion. What does the house look like? I don't exactly have a clear picture of that. And the thoughts running through your character's head? What are they thinking? How would are they reacting inside their minds? I think you're writing from third person omniscient, because you switch from one character's thoughts every paragraph or so. I personally think that's a harder thing to do and I would stick to a single POV, especially for a prologue. It often adds intrigue. Other than the description and voice, it's quite good and I would keep reading. Definitely. ^^
Wow, this was very good, even though it was not particularly long. The only thing that I need to say is that, and the end of the first sentence, you need a period, not a comma. Other then that, keep working on it! I cannot wait until the next part comes out. I would like it very much if you would PM me when you put it up. Thank you! Keep working!