Young Writers Society

It's difficult for me to explain how I'm a fan of this, but let's say that your narrative bob and weave are simply seamless, and my notes for improvement fall into flow, execution, and resolution. So let's talk about that.

Flow!

The first stanza, the draw-me-in stanza, is broken due to the adjective dump, and by proxy the setup of syntax to let the adjectives drop into the desert. Upon reading many times I want to forgive it because it sets up the remainder of the poem, but I want it to come across more seamlessly, and the way you're going now doesn't seem correct? I think, perhaps, the narrative of brewing the coffee/tea, or a stream of consciousness while stirring the sugar before it all cakes down anywaybecauseitalwayscakesdownanyway would work nicely for you? It's worth an experiment, at least? Maybe?

The flow throughout the rest, I believe, comes down to line break choice and positioning. I'm not tooooo picky about this, but I also don't want you to lose quality points for presenting something that really could be smoother with just some finishing touches.

Execution!

The main course of understanding up in here is that the bitterness spreads deceptively upwards and outwards from the bottom (at least that's how I took it--"the sugar always settles at the bottom") and on route to the top it just has the butterfly effect on things far away, causing callousness in the world. This is what sold it for me. I mean, I already think this has happened and I already think it's true, but it made me reflect on how with each new generation born the previous sugared generation has to instill the good traits of humanity into their progeny and move on until they're bitter as well. It's a cynical cycle that would depress a bunch of folks. And it's executed well, save for lacking more exploration, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Resolution!

The ending isn't quite the ending with me because I find it ended at the beginning, which can be a ploy, but it was a nice theory to have. It ties into my previous thoughts on the generational teaching deal I took away from this--all inferenced, of course.

It's a good poem. You're a good poet. Keep it up.

All my best,
Ty

Hello Stormcloud! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

This review courtesy of

Hi, Stormcloud! Pan here to review. I'm not a big poetry writer, but I'll try to do my best to be helpful. I'm going to break the critique down, looking at the style first and then the message, and work through what I liked and what needs work.

Style

I quite like your decision to write in a stripped down style with limited punctuation, as I think it actually contributes to the apathetic tone of the poem. Part of me thinks you should go the whole hog and do away with the commas and full stops as well, as it seems a bit neither here nor there to have those but no capitals. Consistency is key.

One thing that does bother me about this poem is the line breaks. They feel random. It doesn't feel like you've thought about whether they're appropriate or not, more like you've just chucked them in because you felt like it was time for a new line. If line breaks occur in the middle of a clause or an idea, they can be jarring to read.

If you don't already, make sure you read your poem out loud repeatedly as you write it. It's crucial to testing the rhythm. Toy around with where the line breaks occur and see whether it makes the rhythm more or less disjointed. Experimentation is the route to good poetry.

Even though you have some great lines and some good moments of imagery - I love your opening line, and the metaphor 'worming between petal lips' is excellent - it doesn't always hold together. I was a bit confused by this:

and that sweetness becomes cloying,

coating my mouth until it is bitter